*sigh*

one more day after today. just one more day left in this place that i've called "home" for over 5 years now. i had intended on retiring from this job, you know? that's what i said when i first walked in the door. that no matter how bad things got i would do my best to stick it out until things got better again. i have plastered pictures of kensie all over my desk and cabinets so that i could draw strength from her, from being a responsible parent and doing things that i might not like just for the sake of a paycheck and a roof over my head. for her. for kensie, my darling daughter. she is the reason that i do everything that i do in my life (and the reason that i DON'T do certain things.) and she's also what's holding me back. i can't figure out what direction to take my career because i have to continue being "responsible". one of my oh.com friends said for me not to fall into the "paralysis by analysis" trap but i just can't help it. if i stay here i will be unemployed indefinitely. but if i move then who's going to PHYSICALLY be there for us in an emergency??? well folks, it ain't gettin' any better than this. i will *work* today and then tomorrow i will bring in several totes and pack up my belongings and at five o'clock i will walk out that door for the very last time. am i sad? yes, of course. and angry too. and happy but it's really difficult to grab that happiness now that the gravity of the situation is setting in.

7 more days of hell

and idk what i'm going to do. idk where to go or anything. i know that i have to move by the end of december but idk where to move to (or with what money.) idk where to look for a job because idk where i'll be living. and i can't find a new place to live because who's going to rent to someone who's unemployed?

there are lots of jobs out there for me but none of them are "local". i'd basically have to move either to another state or to a completely other part of the state in order to find anything even remotely close to what i'm doing now. but i can't because that would mean leaving my support system behind and i can't do that because then who'd help me with kensie?

and i'm really sad today. now don't get me wrong, i'm not sad about losing my job. in fact, i'm extremely happy that i won't be working here for very much longer. i'm happy to be leaving this area. hell, i'm happy that obama's the president-elect! but, in the grand scheme of things, i'm so very very sad right now. and scared. and lonely. and... alone.

i just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the next week+. at home. alone. in my own bed. with the blankets pulled up over my head. but i can't do that. OBVIOUSLY i can't do that. i have a child and a life (somewhat anyway.) but i really feel like i need a vacation right about now. i need to travel and get away from here, gain some perspective. but my car's fucked up so i'm not going anywhere. hell, my car is the entire reason i wasn't able to even drive to decatur to vote last night! but that didn't matter. my voice was heard last night anyway, even though i wasn't able to cast my ballot.

OMFG!!!!

there's this girl here (married with a child so... TOTALLY straight) that i don't usually talk to or have much of anything to do with. (she's one of the ones who's "taking my place" because she's a "sales assistant" now.) anywho, she's completely NOT my type but today's halloween and we all dressed up for work. guess what she dressed up as... a man. she's a fucking drag king and it's the hottest damn thing i've ever seen in my LIFE!!!! holy jeebus, wtf yo???

as of today

i am quitting taking all of my medication. my carafate, my prevacid, my elavil, my depakote... everything. cold turkey. and i really don't give a shit what happens. i'm done. i can't handle this any more. if i hurt, i hurt. if i get another perforated ulcer then i just get another perforated ulcer. i don't care. i'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors not believing me and trying to medicate the problems that i'm NOT having. so you know what? fuck it. and *IF* i have a perforated ulcer then you can just print out this blog and give it to the surgeon who fixes me. and *IF* i have a seizure you can print out this blog and give it to my neurologist. i just can't take this shit any more.

my favorite quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~ Anatole France

i just want to quit

taking all medications because obviously they're not doing a damn thing for my migraines. but idk how to quit without causing problems. and without telling my neurologist because i want to quit seeing him too because he isn't helping me either.

FUUUCCKKKKK YO!!!!!

i want to go home so bad

but i can't. i've had this particular migraine since thursday i believe. nothing's working for it. i finally went to the er last night but since i drove myself they couldn't give me "the good stuff". what he ended up giving me was a shot of zofran and a shot of toradol. and i didn't realize until i got online and started researching that toradol is an NSAID and we had just got through talking about the fact that i absolutely CANNOT have NSAIDs and WHY and yet this stupid er doc gives it to me anyway!!!

i called my neurologist first thing this morning but he doesn't get in to the office until about 10:30-ish so i left a message. i called back at around 11:30 to see if the receptionist had given him my message yet and she said no but that she has my chart pulled out and will speak to him as soon as she's able to.

it's now 12:15 and i still haven't heard anything. and my eyes are killing me. i can't remember stuff for work that i've been doing for over 13 years!!! simple little tasks that i can usually do in my sleep are completely eluding me right now. i'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, like people walking behind me only there's nobody there. and then when i'm walking down the hall it appears that the people in front of me are going away from me except in reality they're actually coming TOWARDS me which means that i keep running into people.

will someone loan me a spoon so that i can dig my eyeballs out now please?