my first blog in a year...

i sorta miss blogging and interacting on the various social networking sites that i used to be a part of. i really feel like i got a lot out of them while i was participating but right there at the end, everyone's annoyance with me just became glaringly obvious and the whole process was more hurtful than helpful. so yeah, like a moron i went and deleted my entire profile. sometimes i regret doing this. mostly just because of the loss of information that i had amassed over the years but also a lot of it has to do with the loss of friendships and the loss of support. but like i said earlier, it was more harmful to my self esteem than anything right at the end so, just knowing myself the way i do, i know that this was the best thing for "ME" to do. i wish that i could go back in time and maybe just stop posting so much when things started getting bad with me. apparently i mistook the friendliness that i received on that site as genuine and i honestly thought that all of those people cared about me and about my well-being and about what was going on in my life at that time. boy don't i feel like a fool...

so anyway, this is the first blog i've posted on this site in a year and with good reason. just like on the other site, i really didn't have much of anything positive to say. yeah, i'm still unemployed. i'm in school right now and hopefully i'll be able to graduate after spring semester 2010. i have plans to move far, far away from alabama after that but i'm not going to post the specifics here because i don't want to jinx the situation or anything. besides, the only person who's probably reading this blog already knows about my plans anyway, lols!! :~D

*sigh*

one more day after today. just one more day left in this place that i've called "home" for over 5 years now. i had intended on retiring from this job, you know? that's what i said when i first walked in the door. that no matter how bad things got i would do my best to stick it out until things got better again. i have plastered pictures of kensie all over my desk and cabinets so that i could draw strength from her, from being a responsible parent and doing things that i might not like just for the sake of a paycheck and a roof over my head. for her. for kensie, my darling daughter. she is the reason that i do everything that i do in my life (and the reason that i DON'T do certain things.) and she's also what's holding me back. i can't figure out what direction to take my career because i have to continue being "responsible". one of my oh.com friends said for me not to fall into the "paralysis by analysis" trap but i just can't help it. if i stay here i will be unemployed indefinitely. but if i move then who's going to PHYSICALLY be there for us in an emergency??? well folks, it ain't gettin' any better than this. i will *work* today and then tomorrow i will bring in several totes and pack up my belongings and at five o'clock i will walk out that door for the very last time. am i sad? yes, of course. and angry too. and happy but it's really difficult to grab that happiness now that the gravity of the situation is setting in.

7 more days of hell

and idk what i'm going to do. idk where to go or anything. i know that i have to move by the end of december but idk where to move to (or with what money.) idk where to look for a job because idk where i'll be living. and i can't find a new place to live because who's going to rent to someone who's unemployed?

there are lots of jobs out there for me but none of them are "local". i'd basically have to move either to another state or to a completely other part of the state in order to find anything even remotely close to what i'm doing now. but i can't because that would mean leaving my support system behind and i can't do that because then who'd help me with kensie?

and i'm really sad today. now don't get me wrong, i'm not sad about losing my job. in fact, i'm extremely happy that i won't be working here for very much longer. i'm happy to be leaving this area. hell, i'm happy that obama's the president-elect! but, in the grand scheme of things, i'm so very very sad right now. and scared. and lonely. and... alone.

i just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the next week+. at home. alone. in my own bed. with the blankets pulled up over my head. but i can't do that. OBVIOUSLY i can't do that. i have a child and a life (somewhat anyway.) but i really feel like i need a vacation right about now. i need to travel and get away from here, gain some perspective. but my car's fucked up so i'm not going anywhere. hell, my car is the entire reason i wasn't able to even drive to decatur to vote last night! but that didn't matter. my voice was heard last night anyway, even though i wasn't able to cast my ballot.

OMFG!!!!

there's this girl here (married with a child so... TOTALLY straight) that i don't usually talk to or have much of anything to do with. (she's one of the ones who's "taking my place" because she's a "sales assistant" now.) anywho, she's completely NOT my type but today's halloween and we all dressed up for work. guess what she dressed up as... a man. she's a fucking drag king and it's the hottest damn thing i've ever seen in my LIFE!!!! holy jeebus, wtf yo???

as of today

i am quitting taking all of my medication. my carafate, my prevacid, my elavil, my depakote... everything. cold turkey. and i really don't give a shit what happens. i'm done. i can't handle this any more. if i hurt, i hurt. if i get another perforated ulcer then i just get another perforated ulcer. i don't care. i'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors not believing me and trying to medicate the problems that i'm NOT having. so you know what? fuck it. and *IF* i have a perforated ulcer then you can just print out this blog and give it to the surgeon who fixes me. and *IF* i have a seizure you can print out this blog and give it to my neurologist. i just can't take this shit any more.

my favorite quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~ Anatole France

i just want to quit

taking all medications because obviously they're not doing a damn thing for my migraines. but idk how to quit without causing problems. and without telling my neurologist because i want to quit seeing him too because he isn't helping me either.

FUUUCCKKKKK YO!!!!!

i want to go home so bad

but i can't. i've had this particular migraine since thursday i believe. nothing's working for it. i finally went to the er last night but since i drove myself they couldn't give me "the good stuff". what he ended up giving me was a shot of zofran and a shot of toradol. and i didn't realize until i got online and started researching that toradol is an NSAID and we had just got through talking about the fact that i absolutely CANNOT have NSAIDs and WHY and yet this stupid er doc gives it to me anyway!!!

i called my neurologist first thing this morning but he doesn't get in to the office until about 10:30-ish so i left a message. i called back at around 11:30 to see if the receptionist had given him my message yet and she said no but that she has my chart pulled out and will speak to him as soon as she's able to.

it's now 12:15 and i still haven't heard anything. and my eyes are killing me. i can't remember stuff for work that i've been doing for over 13 years!!! simple little tasks that i can usually do in my sleep are completely eluding me right now. i'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, like people walking behind me only there's nobody there. and then when i'm walking down the hall it appears that the people in front of me are going away from me except in reality they're actually coming TOWARDS me which means that i keep running into people.

will someone loan me a spoon so that i can dig my eyeballs out now please?

do you love it?

LOVES IT!!!

my halloween costume this year... my friend martitalinda sent me two boxes of clothes and one of them contained this beautiful dress and then i got the shoes for $1 at the salvation army yesterday, lols!!! i'm either going to nashvegas for a halloween party on the first or else i'm going to try and talk vann and ashley into going to quest in birmingham that night (but it's a gay bar so idk if vannie would be up for that...)

anywho, since it's the first it's not really "halloween" anymore so i felt kinda weird wearing an actual COSTUME. so this is okay. i can either say that i'm a "snake" (since it's a snake print) or just... my fabulous self! :~D

whaddaya think? (seriously folks, i want comments here. whaddaya think???)

thief!!!

okay so remember my last blog about the stupid bitch that katie was staying with and how she had some rings that belonged to me? well, i didn't know what rings she was talking about and i texted her yesterday to tell her to bring them to me (ALL OF THEM!!!) and then i'd forget she even existed. she got all haughty with me and said that she didn't know who she thinks i am, blah, blah, blah and that she isn't bringing them anywhere because she didn't bring them there to begin with. so i told her that fine, i'd just have the florence police department pick her up for theft and conspiracy to commit a crime and how's about defrauding the social security department while we're at it? (her boyfriend is working under the table even while he's getting social security disability. his name is john peden btw if anybody wants to report him, he lives on graham ave. and he's working under the table at h&h tires in florence and she's a co-conspirator because she knows about this and approves of it.)

anywho, she got scared and called the police department herself. somehow katie got involved and it was determined that she would put my rings in an envelope on her porch for me to pick up. i was under the impression that she had maybe 3 of my rings at the most. well, when i picked up the envelope it was unusually heavy and when i got home there were nine, count 'em... NINE of my rings in there!!! (and these are ALL rings that i know for a fact were at my house just a few months ago because i brought them inside myself! which means that katie did NOT just so happen to have them in her pocket from the move! this means that she STOLE them with the possible intent of pawning them off for cash!!!) here's the pics:



















the last one is the ring that i bought for katie for our one year anniversary. it was supposed to represent our union and was supposed to be a wedding ring of sorts (or at least a promise ring.) i have one that is smaller and matches it. these rings also include (as i'm sure you've already noticed) my class ring that has my name ingraved on the inside of it and also the sapphire ring that my grandmother gave me as my inheritance. (my grandfather got it for her when he was stationed in iran. there are also earrings that match it that i will get when she passes.)

so now i am EXTREMELY ANGRY!!! this woman (katie) not only lied to me and treated me like dogshit but she also STOLE from me!!! the only things that i own that are actually WORTH anything (besides my second-hand furniture and my car...) so how on earth can i ever bring myself to trust anyone ever again? i know for a fact that these rings were in the new house because i brought them there myself and placed them onto the fingers of the hand shaped ring holder that my daughter bought for me for mother's day a few years ago. she STOLE from me and yet she was continually begging me to take her back. she had numerous instances where she could've brought them back and i would've never noticed but she didn't. she just didn't! and now she's getting mad at me for being upset about it! again i ask you, how on earth can i ever bring myself to fully trust anyone in that capacity in my life again as long as i live? if people aren't cheating on me and just generally treating me like shit then they're STEALING from me and treating me like shit!

so you know what? fuck everybody. i don't give a good goddamn anymore. i'm done!

asexual

"Lacking interest in or desire for sex."

yup, that's me. i am officially "asexual". i will never be with another woman or man again as long as i live. i will never allow another person to be close to me. if you know me online that's pretty much as close to me as you're going to get because the whole "in person" thing? it just ain't happenin'. i have been ruined. i don't trust anyone anymore and i really don't feel like working on that. i'd much rather just be me and kensie and not ever allow another soul into our lives. and when she grows up? i'll just get some cats or something. seriously, i don't want any friends, love interests... nothing. i'm not straight. i'm not bi. i'm not gay. i'm just a hollow shell of the person that i once was and the person that i could possibly be. i have been stripped of all the good emotions that i once had and right now, in this moment, i hate everyone. i have no trust for anyone and no love for anyone. katie made sure to take my soul with her when she left. and yes, she's gone for good. she isn't coming back from new mexico and had no intention of coming back in the first place. so that's fine. i won't have to deal with her and her bullshit anymore. and i won't have to deal with anyone else's bullshit anymore either. she's shown me just how ugly and cruel people really are and i want no part of it.

so idk what to think right now...

saturday i got a couple of texts from katie saying not to text her on the phone she had been using (that she got from the people she's been staying with ~ the people who ruined our relationship in the first goddamn place!) i didn't know what was going on so later in the day i CALLED her phone because i thought she meant i was running up her texts or something and to call instead. well no. turns out she gave the phone back to them. apparently they told her that she owed them $200 for the phone and when she called t-mobile to check on it they told her that the bill was only for $100. so basically, these people were trying to sucker her out of an extra hundred dollars (after they've been milking her dry for the last two months and my utilities and phone are due to be shut off because of her not paying her half of the past due balance because she's been giving all her money to THEM!!)

so then sunday katie boarded a plane to go visit her family in new mexico for a week. then sunday afternoon i got a phone call from the bitch that she's been staying with. since i had katie's number on my five faves it showed up saying "katie" so i answered it just out of habit. then that bitch goes "is this chelsey?" (one of katie's friends in new mexico.) i said no and then she goes "well is this katie's mom or sister or somebody?" and i said no and for her to not call this number again and hung up on her!

well then yesterday (monday) i started getting texts from her that went like this (and keep in mind, she's a dumbass hick and can't spell for shit and doesn't know correct grammar or punctuation):

her: "Who is this"

me: "i already told you yesterday to not use this number. if you contact me again i WILL press harassment charges!"

her: "What has katy told u im thinking she tokd u a lie like she told on amanda"

me: "wtf are you talking about?? WHAT lie?? spell it out in plain english."

her: "Is this amanda if so we need to talk"

me: "wtf is your problem? i'm working... a concept you OBVIOUSLY know NOTHING about! i don't have time for this bs. just say whatever you have to say and leave me be"

her: "Well when u get the time u need to know what katy told us i know its not true now its to much to talk about on here while u r working call me when u get off today gm sorry i borthered u at work im at work to"

me: "i won't be calling you. if you have something to say to me then say it. if it's too much to text then just call and leave me a voicemail."

her: "Ok when i get off after 2"

her text after 2pm: "Amanda dont be mad at me ive done nothing katy called me and ask if she could come stay with us cause you told her to leave and said she didnt have any where to go then she got to saying that you hit her (witch i told john i didnt belive that) then when u had to go to med plus she said u was going for the drugs and said she was going to call DHR i ask her why she said u was a drugie amd all u wonted was pills i told her not to then the day ur daughter was over here i ask why u didnt come she said u was on pills and couldnt take care of kinesey amanda what ever or if she said that i said any thing about u i didnt she left your rings here u can come by and get them please dont be mad at me i thought u should know"

so at first i sent katie an email through myspace and told her that kathy (the bitch she was staying with) was calling and texting me and trying to start shit and for her to call her and find out wtf's going on before i go off on her forreals. then after that last text i sent katie another myspace email asking her to call me so i could tell her what kathy had said. well she called me last night and i read the text off to her and she kept interrupting me with shock and indignation and saying that she NEVER said those things and blah, blah, blah and then she started yelling at me for even telling her about it! WTF???

and then starts going off and saying that kathy's been calling everybody and their momma (including her OWN momma!) and that she doesn't know how she got all those numbers because she deleted everything out of that phone. well the thing is, they own that phone and all they have to do is go up to t-mobile and ask for a detailed billing statement and viola! they automatically have every number she's ever dialed and every number that's ever called her! der...

ok so let me address the issues in that last text right now. first off, i never told katie to leave. she threatened to leave and i told her to be very sure that that's what she wanted because IF she left, she couldn't come back.

secondly, i have never hit anybody in my entire life! in fact, i've never even spanked my child except to spat the backs of her legs or her hands if she's running into the street or reaching for something sharp or dangerous (when she was way smaller.) and not only that but katie outweighs me by a good 150 pounds! wtf good would it do for ME to hit HER????

the pill situation we've already addressed and it isn't even an issue anymore. i'm seeing a neurologist practically every week and just had an mra and mri w-w/o contrast last week and go for a follow-up to that this thursday. i have legitimate migraines that require medication. period. end of story. yes... it got out of hand at first but i have control over the situation right now and not only that but i would NEVER EVER IN A HUNDRED MILLION YEARS put my CHILD in physical danger! seriously, i have put kensie on such a pedestal that there's no way in hell anybody could ever even imagine me doing anything that would cause her harm. (in fact, SHE is the sole reason i have ever sought out help in my adult life! if not for her i'd probably be lying dead in some gutter somewhere by now!)

and the only reason kensie went over there was because katie asked if she could spend some time with her! and the reason *I* didn't go is because i can't fucking stand them!!! i mean yeah, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were comfortable and we were working on things... until they started poking their noses around in OUR BUSINESS!!!

things wouldn't have happened the way they did with the move if not for them and THAT is where our relationship fell apart! the full burden of the move was placed squarely on my shoulders because she was hanging out with THEM instead of coming home from work and helping me pack and that's just not fair!

so anywho... that's what i'm dealing with right now. hooray. another thing to stress me out...

and now idk if katie's coming back or not AND if she DOES come back... where's she going to stay??? because obviously she can't stay with THEM anymore! so does that mean that she has to move back in with me again?? and if she DOESN'T come back... what about her stuff??? and what about her portion of our past due bills? what about my utilities? and my phone? and my brakes and rotors and tires? and what about my car insurance? and bitty? because she promised that she would pay for bitty's care (shots, heart worm medicine, grooming, food, etc) if i'd keep him with me and PHYSICALLY take care of him because he loves me but i can't afford to take care of an animal right now.

i told her over and over before she left to just be really careful because when i lived in atlanta i was staying with some people and was paying them rent but THEY weren't paying rent so we got evicted. (they were basically just pocketing my money.) and then, after i'd lost a lot of my stuff from the eviction we moved into a trailer. about a month after we moved in i had to come back home for a few days to have a wisdom tooth removed and i told them before i left too and that i'd be back in just a couple of days. well, when i came back all of my stuff (boxes of clothes, tv, vcr, etc) were sitting outside on the porch getting rained on. i told her that i had a bad feeling that something like that was going to happen to her with these people because they just seemed like that "type". she kept reassuring me that nothing like that would happen to HER and i was stupid for worrying. well... who's stupid now huh?

can your eye explode from a migraine?

this is what i think of every time my migraine is pounding in my right eye (like it is right now...):

so whatsa girl to do????

i'm really confused and i need SOMEONE ELSE to make the next few life altering decisions in my life FOR me (please?)

as we all know by now, i have a job until november 12th. then i will receive a lump sum check totaling 10 weeks of pay and i will have insurance coverage through the end of november. after that i can pay out of my own pocket for COBRA (which is MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE!) or just... be uninsured. (<-- yeah right! like THAT'LL ever happen!!) oh and i'll also be eligible for unemployment (my employer will not fight it, that's part of my severance package.)

so i'm really not quite sure what to do with myself right now. i KNOW that i'm about to be unemployed. that's a fact. i also know that i *could* apply to get my job back but i'd have to move to tuscaloosa to do it. this is a problem for a number of reasons:

1) i JUST moved!! i'm locked in a 12 month lease.

2) i can't AFFORD to move AGAIN!!

3) i don't even KNOW anyone in tuscaloosa and my family would be too far away to help if something were to happen to either me or kensie.

so that's pretty much out of the question :~/

OR, i could stay here and get the unemployment and *hope* that they won't force me to take a job, ANY job, whether i'm qualified or not (mcdonald's anyone? NO THANKS!) and also hope that i can somehow AFFORD to pay for COBRA until i get a job that will pick up the slack. and... of course, hope that a job that meets my needs and skill level will come available for me SOON (but not before the first of the year... i'd like to have the holidays off for a change, lol!!)

OR, i could move to pensacola and hope that i can find something suitable down there soon (i have family in pensacola.) OR, i'd LIKE to move to nashville or atlanta (if i moved to atlanta i could FINALLY finish my degree!!) except that i don't have any family in either place. i DO however have friends in nashville and one of them has offered me a position in the office where he's the manager (like an apartment complex or something like that i think, real estate... not really sure.) but again, no family close by and nowhere to live and no money to move on.

so... whatsa girl to do???

an update on "whatever your "thing" is, please do it today..."

so here's the deal. i just got called back for my meeting and yuppers, i got the axe. but it's cool, it's all good. (that's what i'm telling myself right now anyway.)

i have a job for the next 45 days and then i have to turn in my id badge and never look back. i will have insurance through the end of november, a 10 week severance package and then unemployment and cobra insurance.

whatever your "thing" is, please do it today...

we're being called into meetings individually later on today to be told about the upcoming changes in our department. so, whatever your "thing" is, if you pray, if you swing chickens, if you burn incense... whatever you do to wrap someone in positive energy, please do it for me today especially. i have no clue at this point what is about to happen. and i honestly don't know what i *want* to have happen. either way i look at it is going to mean a huge change and that makes me nervous. so instead of asking for anything specific i'm just asking that whatever happens be the thing that is in the best interest for me and my daughter.

thank you.

my eyes are burning

and my entire head is tender to the touch. i feel like my eyes are popping out like a lizards or something and they hurt so much. they're dry and burning and swollen and tender. idk what the dealio is, why i can't seem to shake this migraine, but i just want it gone. i got the call yesterday that my mri and mra have been approved through the insurance so we went ahead and scheduled them for this coming wednesday. idk how long it takes to get that info back but hopefully not too long. i also have a follow-up appointment scheduled with my neurologist on the 30th which is the day BEFORE my tests. i'm thinking i might should call him and reschedule that and see if he wants to see me AFTER the tests instead. (idk...)

god i just want this pain to fucking go away!!!!

gotta loves the migraines

i gots broken blood vessels in my eyelids from the constant pressure and i'm still waiting to hear from my neurologist's office about having an mri w-w/o contrast and an mra. in the meantime he's calling in something "stronger" for me to hopefully get rid of this lingering pain.

i've done a bit of research and it appears that i'm having what marcy has which is "status migrainous" which is very similar to cluster headaches (but not quite the same thing i don't think.) i'm seriously wondering though if the increase in migraine activity isn't somehow related to my wls. maybe a vitamin or nutrient deficiency? lack of fatty tissue? idk...

monday's musings...

lols, didja catch the double meaning in my header? lols!!! "monday's musings"? because... today is monday... and my nickname... is monday... and it's musings on monday BY monday... haha. :~/

anywho, i'm not really sure what i want to talk about right now. maybe i'll just ramble a bit and get some stuff out there and see wth's on my mind. right. okay. so here goes:

i had to work this weekend. hbg and all that jazz. supposedly this is our very last hbg though and it's going to tuscaloosa next month. yeah right. whatever. i should've worked friday night and/or saturday/night so that i could've gotten some o/t on this coming check but nOoOoOoOooo! i was stupid and lazy and waited until yesterday afternoon to come in. and i didn't even realize it until yesterday but i won't get any o/t because i'm going to have to comp that time because i'm going to be off work on thursday (or at least most of the day thursday) because it's kensie's birthday and i want to make sure that it's as special for her as possible. btw, here's the ad i'm running in the paper for her thursday:



i run an ad for her every year so that she can be a celebrity for a day, lols!!!! here's the ad i ran for her last year:



standard disclaimer: if they're cut off then just double click them and they'll open full size in my photobucket account.

so anyway, instead of working friday night i went to movie gallery and spent the $5 gift card that my job gave me for my birthday (woohoo.) i also added about $5 of my own money so that i could get three movies for $10 + tax. i went home and was texting ashley and watching borat (stupid movie btw) and then suddenly i was just completely exhausted and had to crash out. (wtf??!?)

then saturday i was waiting to hear back from my brother so i didn't go in all day because he didn't text me until late in the afternoon. then i had to drive all the way out to moulton to his dad's farm to give him some money. he showed me around because i've never been there before. the house is sort of rinky dink but wouldn't be too terribly bad if it was like, just me or whatever. certainly not big enough for me AND kensie though. but there's lots of land and we could have more animals there. they already have several goats and horses and there's a ton of open space where we could build soft release cages for some coonie-babies or more squirrels or rabbits or maybe even some baby deer!

we aren't going to be moving there but it's a thought if we ever come into some money and could possibly add on to the house. i'm sure that i could sweet talk my ex-stepdad into renting the property to us and making a few improvements like that *IF* i had a job that wasn't about to go kaput and *IF* i was more financially stable than i am right now. but it's about 45 minutes from florence and about 30 minutes from decatur so there would definitely be a good commute no matter where i worked. (it's also roughly an hour from cullman which is another place i could work.)

so yeah, i waited until yesterday afternoon to come in to work. my grandparents ended up bringing kensie home at around 8-ish and i had her sit up here with me for about an hour so that i could finish a couple more ads. then i took her to the ymca early this morning and came in to work at 7am so that i could wrap the ads up. i still had two on my desk when the workday actually *started* but i couldn't do anything with them anyway because they just didn't make sense. so lin put a note on them and had me put them in the sales reps bin so that she could explain them to me. they don't look like they'll take that long to put together once i have a layout for them both but as of right now they just don't make a damn bit of sense.

okay, so what else would i like to talk about today? erm, my finances are shit. my brakes (front and back) and rotors are shot. i need new tires before the first freeze because my driveway is an extremely steep hill and i don't have any traction on my tires as of right now. my debit card will no longer allow me to overdraft unless i use it as a credit card which means that i can't go to wal-mart and withdraw $100 over my purchase amount to live off of until i get paid again which means that i'm royally screwed until katie finally takes care of her half of our overdue bills.

speaking of katie, supposedly she's going to be moving back to new mexico. supposedly she's going to be doing this sometime around christmas or new years. and supposedly she's going to wait until AFTER she's paid me everything that she owes me. supposedly.

i'm not really sure how i feel about all that. i mean, yeah, she's a royal pain in my ass 99% of the time and yeah, it would be much better *for her* if she moved back to new mexico. and yeah, i'd like to be able to actually MEET people instead of being tied down to just one person right now. but at the same time, i DON'T want to meet anyone. at all. i just want to work and come home and cook supper and help kensie with her homework, make her take a bath and get ready for bed, pop a movie in and then go to bed after awhile. and then, get up the next day and do it all over again.

in case you haven't noticed, i really don't like people. *MOST* people that is. i have social anxiety disorder and sometimes it's under control, sometimes... not so much. my mom's trying to hook me up with some "nice guy" that she met in a karaoke bar. lols, she actually asked me a couple of weeks ago "would you like to meet a nice guy?" i was all like "umm... noooo." then she started telling me about him and i just sort of blew her off.

then on the way home i started thinking about it and i got really confused! because yeah, i'm trained in both equipment. but... since i've been with katie i've come to realize that... i really don't like the "other" equipment! BUT, also since i've been with katie i've come to realize that women are fucking insane!!! so there's my dilemma. i like "being with" women, being intimate with women, FUCKING women. but... i prefer the relationship that comes with being with a man. i like being taken care of. i don't want to have to be the *strong* one. i don't want to have to "talk about my feelings" or any of that crap! sometimes i just want my *partner* or whatever to just go the fuck away! kwim? like, go watch some football or something. let me go to the mall or wal-mart or whatever and don't be all up my ass all the damn time! good god man, let me friggin' BREATHE for a minute will ya???

so now i'm so confused. if i'm being totally honest with myself then i can see that i have a LOT of work to do on MYSELF before i venture into another "relationship". but that doesn't mean that i can't meet people and have fuck buddies or whatever, right? and FRIENDS!!! lordy mercy lets not forget about that! but then, where do i go to meet these people? and how do i explain to them that i don't want them to move in after the 2nd date??? take me out to dinner, take me to hear some live music, pamper me, woo me, make me writhe in ecstasy and then? go away. you don't have to call me after a certain number of days... in fact, don't call me at all. just... go away. and let the next one in line have a chance. only, there IS no line. there *should* be (i mean come on, have you SEEN me?? ;~P) but there just isn't.

i think i give off a vibe or something. a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe. and i think i've pretty much ALWAYS given off this vibe. lols, i actually contacted sam, my "first" (male), through myspace about a month ago. he's married now and living a fabulous life in the military (he actually went to boot camp the weekend after he and i "did it", lols!!!) i wrote him this huge long email, congratulating him on being married and having found that special person, told him that i'm still looking but not for him, haha, because i'm a lesbian anyway but that i just wondered, and be totally honest with me please, back in the day... was he even attracted to me at all? or did i give off a vibe even then? like... did he *only* have sex with me because i was available at that exact moment in time, or was there actually a physical attraction at some point? he read the email about two weeks ago but hasn't responded. lols, i think he probably doesn't even know who i am and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, lmfao!!! (he was a bit of a player back in the day... and omgs, so friggin' CUTE!!! in a johnny depp sorta way, kwim?)

and then... of course... there's ashley and vann. god i love them both to pieces!!! long complicated story that goes along with this one but basically, a long time ago, vann and i had a one night stand. then a few years later he contacted a mutual friend of ours and asked if he knew how to get in touch with me because he and his new wife wanted to have a 3-some with me. so we did, and i fell in love, hardcore!!! and it got complicated even though i kept my feelings to myself (for the most part) and i was eventually banished from their lives. i was devastated. seriously, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces and it was a very very LONG time before i allowed anyone into my life in that capacity again. and even then, even now, i'm suspicious of people who want to fill that void in my life.

well, ashley and i began talking a while back and vannie and i made up (clean slate he said! like an etcha-sketch where you scribble all over it and then shake the shit out of it and clear the screen :~) and i was supposed to come stay with them after she had her third baby because of vann's work schedule and she has two other kids and was having a c-section and just pretty much needed help around the house. well, just before she had sadie, i met katie. and katie was so jealous and possessive that i pretty much was forced to push ashley and vann out of my life (i'm so sorry you guys!!! y'all didn't deserve that and i will apologize to you every day for the rest of my life for that!!!)

but then ashley texted me the night before my birthday this year and we've texted back and forth a few days since then and *hopefully* i'll get to visit them soon. i haven't seen either of them in, gawd, 6 years or so? well, at least 5 because i've been living in the shoals for 5 years now. and i'm so nervous!!! i want to hop in my car RIGHT NOW and drive down there but at the same time, i kinda want to put it off indefinitely. i'm so scared of what they'll think of me now. because of the katie situation and because of how i look now. i mean, they never saw me at my heaviest (thank god!!!) but they've never seen me small either. i suppose i was around 185-ish when we "hooked up" and around 135-ish when vannie and i had our one night stand before that. nobody's seen me at 100 pounds before. in fact, i can't remember ever being 100 pounds before. even in high school i was always around 115-ish.

so i'm nervous. i'm a skeleton, i have skin hanging off my ass like melted candle wax, my inner thighs, good god, they look like a ginormous twat or something! my "boobs"??? HAH!!! my chest looks like that of a scrawny 12-year old boy! you can see my ribs, my spine pokes out, i'm LITERALLY skin-and-bones now! (well, and muscle too but that's just because i don't have any fat left.)

i just, idk... i'm just so insecure. always have been. i wish i had what they have. i wouldn't ever do anything to break apart what they have so don't misunderstand what i'm saying. i just wish that i could find that happiness, that commitment, that LOVE... for myself. i wish that i could have two more babies. i wish that i could be a stay at home mom. i wish that i had someone to love me and take care of me and to "do" for me, kwim?

owells. maybe one day my prince/princess will come. and maybe all the kings horses and all the kings men can somehow put this humpty dumpty back together again in time to actually recognize and appreciate it when it happens.

it feels so good to purge

...toxic relationships and prying eyes from my life. i only wish that i could somehow make THIS blog selectively private but idk how to do that. (wish i could block all the "anonymous" people from viewing it.)

*sigh* okay, so what that's all about is the fact that i went and made my oh.com profile private and also deleted about 8 pages worth of "friends" (<--mostly people i don't even know or backstabbing bitches.) so that left me with about 16 "friends" which is quite alright with me. hell, that's WAAAYY more than i have in real life! and of those people, i really only talk to about 2-3 of them on a semi-regular basis.

so, wanna know what finally happened last night? well, my mom kept telling me to take a cab so i finally hung up on her and called my grandmother. we talked for about 15-20 minutes (well really, i cried for about 15-20 minutes and she tried to figure something out.) so she and i decided that when i got off of work i'd go pick kensie up from the ymca and we'd go home and wait for them to show up and take us to the emergency room.

meantime, my mom (aka: nosy bitch that likes to start shit!) goes around calling everybody she can possibly get in contact with at my job and tells them EVERYTHING!!!! AND, she called the ymca about 10 different times and told them everything as well ANDDDD... she fucking called the police!!! stupid dumbass bitch!!!

so now today i'm having to deal with people staring at me and asking me if i'm okay and shit!!! god i hate that bitch!!!!

well, i got to the ymca and there was a crowd of about 5 people standing in the hallway blocking the sign-out sheet and asking me if i'm okay and if i need to sit down and if they can do anything for me. WTF YO??? no dude, i most certainly am NOT okay! and no!!! you can't do anything for me!!! just fucking get out of my way so i can get my kid and go home!!!!

so they went to get kensie for me and followed me out to my car and were undoing my seatbelt and turning my ignition off and trying to take my keys away from me! FUCK MAN!!!! i'm not drunk or anything i just have a goddamn migraine!!! AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT ANY EASIER FOR ME EITHER!!!! just leave me alone and let me go home!!!

finally they let me go but they insisted on having someone follow me home (RETARDS!!!) so then my grandparents got to my house and took me and kensie to the er at about 7pm. and we sat there until fucking midnight before i could get a shot because the waiting room was PACKED!

well, the shot didn't do shit for me. i was able to get some sleep but when i woke up i still had the migraine and i took a zomig thinking it might help (and because i am supposed to take it every morning right now any way because i'm expecting flo any day now.) so i texted katie and explained to her that i had a migraine last night and that my grandparents drove all this way to take me to the er so that i wouldn't have to disturb her last night but that the shot didn't work and i still had a migraine and would she mind going to med plus with me first thing this morning so i could get another shot.

at first she agreed but then she started calling me an addict and telling me that nobody has this many migraines and blah blah blah. so i told her to do some research because yes, it IS possible to have this many migraines. it's a DISEASE, not a choice or an addiction! YES, i got hooked on pain PILLS but that's because i have MIGRAINES and don't always have a DRIVER so i can get a SHOT to get rid of it right away!!! so she starts arguing with me first thing in the morning and all the while my head is throbbing and i'm trying to get kensie ready for picture day so i finally just told her to nevermind and that i'd just take a pill instead because i wouldn't want to put her out but to please educate herself in case the next person she's with also suffers from migraine disease.

so then she goes off on me AGAIN and starts calling me ungrateful (for what? because i don't appreciate her arguing with me all the damn time when all i need is for her to walk into med plus and "claim" to be my driver???) and tells me to just lose her number. WTF!!! and she goes on and on and on and ON!!!! and the whole time i was just sitting there blow drying kensie's hair and had no clue that my phone kept going off and she was getting more and more pissed off when i didn't respond to her.

anyway, that's my day. fucking sucks. my head is exploding (STILL!!!), i'm waiting for a call back from my neurologist, my mom is a nosy-ass damn pot stirring bitch and basically, the rest of my life is falling apart.