i wish i was small enough to...

crawl under a rock. because maybe then nobody would notice me. nobody would buy me things. nobody would be mad when i didn't appreciate the fact that they spent money on me. money that we need for BILLS and GROCERIES and PRESCRIPTIONS. if i was small enough to crawl under a rock then maybe people would forget about me. maybe people would forget what i look like. maybe they would forget how fat i am or how thin i am or how ugly i am or how pretty i am or how bad my teeth are or how big my eyes are or how short i am or how frizzy my hair is or how big my hips are. maybe then they'd forget that i'm a graphic artist that never finished art school and still owes $40,000 in student loans. maybe they'd forget that i owe about $20,000 in medical bills from having a perf'd ulcer. maybe if i could crawl under a rock people would forget that my house is a mess and that my car is a mess and that my insurance is overdue and probably even canceled. maybe... maybe if i was small enough to crawl under a rock... people would forget to ask me if i've eaten today. and maybe i would forget to eat today. and tomorrow. and the next day. and maybe then i could fit underneath an even smaller rock. and eventually... maybe i could fit underneath a grain of sand. until it blows away... and takes me with it...

they're gone.

katie just took jazzie and miley to the pound. we tried and tried to keep them hydrated at home but it just wasn't working. the vet said there wasn't anything much we could do at this point since they'd already had their shots. it was really just a matter of keeping them hydrated and waiting it out to see what was going to take over ~ the shot or the parvo. i'm guessing the parvo won. i couldn't stand to watch them suffering any more and neither could katie. she tried giving them pedialyte and water and they kept immediately going into a corner and vomiting it all up. i feel so awful. i'm such a bad puppy mommy

**sigh** i just can't deal with this right now

so basically, my puppies are dying. all of them. well, all except for bitty. (thank god not bitty!!!) this is stressing me out so much and i honestly just can't handle it.

and my tooth is broken. and it's gonna cost $150 to fix it but there's no guarantee that this "fix" is going to even get me out of the parking lot. the insurance won't pay a penny on it because i just had this damn tooth filled last year! and if i don't fix it? it'll get worse. and worse. and worse. great.

and me and katie are fighting. again. or should i say "still."? idk... i'm just so sick of all of this.

i'm so stressed out that my pouch isn't tolerating food very well right now. heck, even liquids are making me nauseated right now. so i guess i'm just going to drink my protein shakes and my fiber concoctions for awhile now and hope for the best! (and hopefully i don't lose any more weight by doing this... or maybe i will. maybe i'll just be karen carpenter. fuck it. it doesn't matter.)

when it rains it friggin' pours...

oh jeez, now what? could anything else possibly go wrong in my life right now? please??? come on higher power, whoever you may be... BRING IT ON!!!! i am positively sick to death of "this" and "that" and "the other thing" going wrong ALL AT ONCE!! i mean heck, if you're gonna peck away at me WHY NOT JUST KILL ME NOW??? go on, strike me with lightening or attack me with locusts or WHATEVER. just DO IT fer cryin' out loud and quit fartin' around already!!

**sigh** ok so that was probably a tad bit melodramatic, eh? sorry. i'm just in a "throw your hands in the air and give up" mode right now. it seems like no matter how well i handle the "little" things there are always MORE "little" things waiting to pop up and become BIG things. remember my thread yesterday about my sweet chelsey baby-girl? well, i'm not entirely positive that it's over. my other two little girls are acting really mopey now too. they aren't eating, they aren't playing and they just basically look really sad right now. here's pics of them when it snowed in march. aren't they so pretty? my sweet baby girls...





thankfully bitty's still playful and still eating. idk what i'd do if we lost him too. he's my walking buddy! my itty bitty baby boy!! omgs, i don't think i could stand to see him suffering like that! here's a pic of bitty with my poor chelsey-girl in the background:



and then? i got to work this morning and i have obviously been grinding my teeth in my sleep again because i have a big chip missing out of one of my front teeth effing sucks yo! i just had nearly $1,000 in dental work done last year (mostly just fillings, lols. my teeth have ALWAYS been bad.) and now this?? not only that, it's one of the teeth that they worked on last year. and guess what? the FILLINGS are still in place but the TOOTH is just crumbling away!!!






and what else happened this morning? oh! of COURSE! me and katie got into an argument. again. because she was acting like a child. again. **sigh** idk how much more i can take. does anybody have any xanax they don't want? 'cause i sure could use a BOTTLE right about now!!!

rip chelsey-girl, momma loves you!

one of my dogs died this weekend. actually, she was still a puppy. she was less than 6 months old and contracted parvo. for those of you who do not know anything about parvo, it is a NASTY virus that KILLS dogs. (usually puppies but dogs too.) if you have a dog i beg you, PLEASE go get them vaccinated. if you love your animals or even if you just "tolerate" them PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO GET THEM VACCINATED!!! it really doesn't cost that much money if you get the medicine and needles from the co-op or something. this is a really simple and inexpensive thing to do and could possibly save your dogs LIFE!

rip sweet chelsey. momma loves you baby girl!!

you know...

you guys can leave comments on these blogs if you want to. i mean that's kinda why i posted the feed link in the first place... it's ok. i promise.

spent yesterday evening in the er

for two weeks+ i've had thin, stringy-looking ribbon-like stools that are very soft & lots of loud abdominal noises.

then yesterday afternoon i had a sudden intense abdominal cramp or spasm followed by wave-like pains of less intensity below and to the right of my navel & IN my navel as well as nausea and pain when i press on my abdomen.

i went to the er after work. the bloodwork, urinalysis and my electrolytes were all a-ok. x-ray showed a "definite slow-down" in my gut in that area but the cat scan was a-ok so it was diagnosed as being "inflamation" and i was sent on my merry way with a single dose of and a script for bentyl which is an anti-spasmodic. just so's you know...