need moral support please

so i'm going to see my surgeon tomorrow morning and i need some moral support. there's so much background info related to this and i'm not sure how much i need to list here because i'm not sure who's going to be reading this and what (if anything) y'all know about me and my journey. i guess i'll start out by listing everything i can think of and just directing y'all to my blogs for further information.

i began my journey on 11-27-06 with lap rny. everything was going groovy until 12-23-06 when i had a perf'd ulcer. i was rushed to emergency surgery (if you can call waiting two hours for an ambulance to drive me another hour and a half to the hospital and then waiting another two hours for surgery "rushing"...) i was then kept in the hospital for two weeks "NPO" so the perforation could heal. (NPO = nothing by mouth)

since then i've had several strictures that i've had to have dilated and then i had my gall bladder removed and an internal hernia repaired on may 30, 2007. then in december (just two weeks after my one year check-up with my surgeon) i began to gain weight. i gained roughly a pound a day for two weeks without changing ANYTHING about my diet or exercise routine.

when i called my surgeon about this (thinking i might have an obstruction or something) he informed me that he believed it to be "dietary" and for me to come in and see the nutritionist. this upset me very much because when i was in his (the surgeon's AND nutritionist's) office just two weeks prior i was informed that my pouch was MUCH smaller than the typical rny'ers pouch because of the perf'd ulcer and the repair that had to be done and then because of the scar tissue that developed on top of it all. so basically he told me that i can't eat very much at a time and then two weeks later i'm all of a sudden eating like a cow again??? wtf!

so i DIDN'T go see the nutritionist because i thought that was just plain silly. i called my pcp instead because obviously my surgeon wasn't concerned. well, my pcp informed me (over the phone and without seeing me AT ALL!!!) that i was "full of $hit" and to take dulcolax. (i'm serious you guys. those were her EXACT WORDS!!!) and whenever i would call her back about this she would repeat herself. AGAIN, without even seeing me!!! so i took dulcolax. and i took dulcolax. AND I TOOK DULCOLAX!!!! and eventually one didn't work anymore. and then two didn't work anymore. and then three and then four, etc, etc, etc. (hmm... maybe because there wasn't anything left inside of me??????)

and NOW... i can't poo WITHOUT laxatives! **sigh** so i'm trying to get all this worked out so that i CAN poo without laxatives but it's very difficult. it's hard to admit that you need help. and it's even harder to admit that you need help with something this embarrassing. (even though it ISN'T MY FAULT!!!!) and btw, the mysterious weight gain was NOT dietary OR because i was "full of $hit". it was because i had endometriosis and a LOT of abdominal adhesions and it took getting my ob-gyn involved to actually get to the bottom of it all! (which resulted in YET ANOTHER abdominal surgery!!!)

i called my gastro doc last week to see if he could get me in and scoped to check for ulcers because i'm getting really scared about all this. i've been having "reflux/ulcer-like" pain for a couple of weeks now and i seriously don't want another perf'd ulcer so i was trying to seek help for this. well, i got the call back from my gastro doc on thursday morning and was informed that i've been "dismissed as a patient". idk exactly what happened except that i apparently had a balance with their office that i was unaware of and since they never heard from me (i moved and they don't have my new address) they sent it off to collections and dismissed me as a patient.

this freaked me out terribly because i was under the impression that this gastro doc was the ONLY one allowed to scope me after my rny. (per my rny surgeon's instructions anyway.) so i called my surgeon and explained everything to the nurse's voicemail and asked for help. well, they called me back and said that he wants to see me tomorrow and they went ahead and scheduled my appointment.

i called them back on friday and asked if i could have some blood work run in the meantime and hopefully he could have it back by the time i go in for my appointment. the nurse was going to fax the orders over but when she spoke to my surgeon about it he decided to wait until seeing me tomorrow to order anything and also said for me to be on liquids in the meantime. FULL liquids, not just clear liquids.

i've been trying to do liquids ever since but it's just so darn hard!!! i want to eat things and before i realize it i'll have eaten a handful of cashews or something and then sort of "wake up" and realize what i'm doing. so... i haven't done "all liquids" at all yet. heck even this morning i've already had about 6 saltines!! and add to that the fact that my girlfriend doesn't understand what's going on with me right now and thinks i'm just saying that they told me to do liquids because i "feel fat and don't want to eat". ok look, whatever. i can't call them on a sunday and have them tell her that i'm telling the truth. and because of this she's been "feeding me" ever since thursday because she believes this will somehow "help" me.

i ended up going to med-plus on saturday because of the abdominal pains i was having. i didn't tell the dr. there about the laxatives or anything but i DID tell him about the surgery i had on valentine's day (when the endometriosis and adhesions were burned off) and he thought my abdominal pain could be caused by adhesions growing back but wanted to run some labs first to be sure. he did a cbc which came back "fine" and then he also ran a urinalysis. he came back into the room and told me that i had a LOT of blood in my urine (and asked me repeatedly if i was on my period and i am NOT and it isn't time for it either) as well as some bacteria in my urine. he thinks it's a uti or a kidney stone and gave me some antibiotics and pain pills to get me by until he can get the culture back on the urine.

i'm so nervous about going to see my surgeon tomorrow. idk what to tell him anymore. i know that i'm going to be screamed at tomorrow no matter what i say, that much is for sure. and knowing this makes me somewhat skeptical about how "honest" i need to be with him. i KNOW that i need to tell him EVERYTHING in order to receive the help that i need. but i don't want to get b!tched out. i'm really fragile right now (yeah i know, right? ME??? FRAGILE??? but alas, 'tis true...) and idk if i can deal with that or not. this is so intimidating!!! god, somebody go with me tomorrow. please? PLEASE????? i really don't think i can do this on my own. it's just too much...

scare me please

yeah, i can google with the best of them but you guys are sometimes tougher on me than my own momma (and that's saying a LOT!!!) and that's really what i need right now... some TOUGH LOVE. i know that i need to seek professional help. i know that you guys cannot REALLY help me here. what i'm asking for is some good solid scare tactics with cold hard facts about laxatives.

i KNOW that laxatives are dangerous. i KNOW that you shouldn't take them more often or more at a time than necessary. i KNOW that they don't help you lose weight and can actually cause bloating from gas and water retention. (and truth be told, i don't NEED to lose anymore weight! i mean, have you SEEN my avatar???)

but that doesn't stop me from taking 4-6 dulcolax LAXATIVES (NOT the stool softeners!!!) after nearly everything i put in my mouth. (i'm serious here folks. i had a slice of swiss cheese for breakfast and followed it up with 4 dulcolax's and a caffeine free diet pepsi.)

now, keep in mind that these things make me feel like absolute dog$hit for a very very long time after taking them. (imagine the worst dumping episode you've ever gone through times ten AT LEAST and there you have it minus the sleeping the day away part.)

like, yesterday i took 6 dulcolax's around 2:00pm. by 8:00pm (when i was planning on playing littlest pet shop monopoly with my 8 year old daughter) i started cramping and getting nauseated and lightheaded and had to sit in the bathroom for a long time. while i was sitting there i promised myself that i would never ever use another laxative again as long as i lived because i felt so bad. and then i took 6 more dulcolax's just before bedtime 2 1/2 hours later.

it's a compulsion and i can't seem to make myself stop! i knew i was in trouble when i bought a box of 100 laxatives a week and a half ago instead of the usual 25 count box but i did it anyway. i've already blown through that 100 count box AND an 18 count box of chocolate ex-lax. in 10 days. i also have a 25 count pack of dulcolax that's calling to me right now. idk why... i have no frickin' clue why i do this!!! i HATE this!!! (he!! i don't even like to poo!!!)

this all started in december when my pcp told me i was "full of shit" and to take a dulcolax. i had gained a pound a day for more than two weeks without changing anything about my diet or exercise regime and that was her response to my phone call voicing concern over this matter. so i took dulcolax. lots and lots of dulcolax. for a very long time. then my ob-gyn FINALLY did an exploratory laparoscopy on valentine's day and burned off a bunch of endometriosis and abdominal adhesions which is where the pain and bloating/weight gain came from.

and now? i can't poo without laxatives.

and now? i can’t stand to go more than a day without going poo because it hurts and my clothes don’t fit.

and now? it takes 5-6 at a time to produce anything.

and now??? i take anywhere from 6-18 A DAY!!!!!

again, i know that i need to seek professional help. i know that you guys cannot REALLY help me here. what i'm asking for is some good solid scare tactics with cold hard facts about laxatives. please don't patronize me or send me "great big cyber (((((HUGS)))))" and tell me that you hope i feel better soon. if that's your response, please save it for someone that it'll actually help. (i'm really honestly NOT trying to be snotty here so please please PLEASE don't take it that way.) i just feel like crying because i don't know what to do. well, i know WHAT to do (don't take laxatives!!!) but i don't know how to get to that point because i seem to do it without even thinking about it! like, you get up in the morning and go pee. well, i eat something and then take laxatives.

**whew!**

ok so i'm still not feeling so great guys but hopefully that's just the aftereffects of YET ANOTHER abdominal surgery. (and for the record, i feel much better than i did 4 days after my OTHER abdominal surgeries, lols!)

anywho, i'm sure that anna and renee were able to update you guys as to everything that went on last thursday but i figured i'd better check in now that i'm at work and have internet access and let you guys know exactly what happened and that i'm still around. (ya ain't gettin' rid of me THAT easy!! )

at the end of this post you'll notice that i've uploaded my surgery pics. my girlfriend said that my obgyn was kinda rude after the surgery and like he was smirking/laughing when he came in to tell me what had happened but i really don't remember that part. he showed me these images and best i can remember he said something about the tiny black dots being the endometriosis that he burned off (there wasn't very much of that though.) he said that my ovaries looked GREAT (which is FABULOUS NEWS!!!) so no problems there but there was a LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! of scar tissue from my previous abdominal surgeries (gosh i wonder how that happened...) so he burned that off hoping that would alleviate some of my pain.

and then... he showed me something else. lols, look at that first pic. notice the little clips in the middle of the image? well, those were down around my ovaries just kinda floating around. actually, there were "quite a few" of those little buggers floating around in my abdomen. he said that he removed them and that they were also from my previous abdominal surgeries. i'm guessing they're staples or something idk...

so i'm hurting and extremely swollen (WAAAYY more than i was pre-op!) and my abdomen is hard as a rock and the incisions look HORRIBLE! they're gonna scar so bad and i'm a little miffed about that. after all, i had THREE abdominal surgeries in 6 months using the SAME INCISIONS and they NEVER looked this bad!!! but hopefully time will help them to vanish somewhat. and in the big scheme of things, a couple of noticeable scars is a very small price to pay in order to have my health and my life back! (assuming of course that this procedure "fixed" everything. fingers and toes crossed...)

i have a TIME!!!

ok y'all, my day is finally here!! (LOLS!) i go in to ecm tomorrow at 7:45am for my exploratory laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and d&c (fun fun!!) with dr. woodford. my girlfriend katie will be there with me and will be caring for me after i come home. she also will be phoning renee (reneea aka i_ride_my_harley) and anna (magdalena aka anna g.) to let them know that i'm ok and what the results were. renee will post here on the main board and anna will post on the ds board for those who are concerned. idk what time i'll actually be taken back for surgery (there's no telling, lols!) but hopefully it won't be very long after i get there. (i'm very impatient. especially if i'm in pain.) wish me luck guys! the pain has been so bad all day today that my eyes have been watering and my nose has been running and i've felt nauseated and lightheaded. and then when the pain would subside for a bit i would have these nagging fears creeping in and making me think that it's all in my head and that i'm really not in pain after all and that he's going to open me up tomorrow and not find ANYTHING and just label me a drug seeker. (like he hasn't already... great. just great.) and then i also have the fear that i'm going to go in and have the surgery and he won't give me anything for pain afterwards because of what he said to me on the phone the other day about what he already wrote for me should've been enough to get me through, blah, blah, blah. so there you have it. that's all i know for now.

I AM NOT FAKING IT!!!!!!

ok so what's with all the doctors these days? why is it that every time i tell someone that i'm in pain they act like i'm lying or like i'm faking it? OMGS!!! i'm SERIOUSLY in some HORRIBLE PAIN right now! i had to go to the er this weekend to get a shot because the pain was so bad that two lortab 5's wasn't even taking the edge off. so the doctor this weekend said for me to go back to the er if the pain was still debilitating the next day or if the shot didn't work. well, the shot WORKED but i was still in horrible pain yesterday. BUT i didn't have anyone to drive me to the er so i just had to sit at home and suffer! and he also said to BE SURE that my obgyn (who's doing my surgery thursday) knew that i'd had to come in and get a shot because of the pain. so i called my obgyn to let him know and he starts telling me about the prescription that he wrote me and something that another doctor wrote for me and that it should've been enough to get me through and that all the computers are interlinked, blah, blah, blah and he can't write me anything stronger than lortab, blah, blah, blah. OMGS!!!! i'm fucking doing what the er doctor told me and LETTING YOU KNOW that i'm in PAIN and this pain medication JUST ISN'T CUTTING IT and you have the audacity to act like i'm some sort of pill seeker! MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I'M IN AGONY OVER HERE ASSHOLE!!! I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS AND YOU CANNOT FULLY GRASP MY PAIN BUT AT LEAST TRY YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!!!! i swear to fucking god man if something happens to me in that operating room and i don't make it out alive i will haunt him and every other person that has been shitty to me about this for the rest of their natural lives!!!!!

yeah... i suck. just so's you know...

just thought i'd log in and give everyone a quick update. please forgive the ramblings found in this post because i've just chewed up two lortab 5's and imma bit looooooo-peeeee

so anywho, i guess i'd better backtrack a little bit here... friday when i left yoos guys i had a pretty nasty migraine that i'd been dealing with since i woke up that morning. i had called my new pharmacy and asked them to fill my prescription for zomig so i could get some relief as soon as i left work. well, when i got there to pick it up they told me that i would have to go to their other location because they didn't have any there. so... i went to the other location and they told me that they couldn't fill it because the insurance company was telling them that it was too soon. (i haven't had this prescription filled since august 8, 2007 so there's NO WAY that it was too soon!!)

so i called milner rushing (my OLD pharmacy ~ DO NOT USE MILNER RUSHING FOR ANYTHING!!!!) and they were extremely nasty towards me, cussing and laughing at me and hanging up on me while i was crying and wailing with a killer migraine exploding in my head. finally the NEW pharmacy called them to find out wtf was going on since i couldn't get any information out of them and turns out, those idiots filed my prescription as a 15 MONTH supply instead of a 15 DAY supply and that's why it wouldn't go through. (MORONS!!!! they also messed up my carafate back in october and told the insurance that they gave me a month's supply when they really only gave me an 11 day supply and then messed up my lortab elixer just last week and wouldn't fill it because they said the insurance said it was too soon even though i was in PAIN and was going to CASH pay it!)

so... i no longer use milner rushing and i highly suggest that if anybody lives in my area and uses milner rushing that they switch to a different pharmacy ASAP because these people are going to seriously hurt somebody with their negligence one of these days!!!

i finally got my prescriptions filled and went home. my head was still pounding and i was afraid that i had waited too long to get medication and that i would need to go to the er for a shot. my girlfriend came home about 30 minutes after i laid down in the bed (her grandfather died thursday and i had to drive her to hunboldt, tennessee thursday evening to be with her family but she had to work saturday so her uncle brought her home) and i just laid there crying and crying because it hurt so bad. but it came in waves so a few minutes later i was okay enough to get up and fix her something to eat (she hadn't eaten since lunch the day before so i MADE her eat even though she said she wasn't hungry) and then i ended up having to take ANOTHER dose of my zomig AND half a vial of phenergan gel AND a dose of some other pain medication that i have but i can't remember the name of it right now and i finally went to sleep.

when i woke up saturday morning i still had a lingering headache but not the migraine that i'd had the day before. i didn't have any more of my lortab elixer since milner rushing wouldn't fill it so i had to take my girlfriends lortab 5's for the abdominal pain that i was having all day saturday. and it got REALLY BAD saturday too!!! my girlfriend got off of work at 6-ish saturday night and we went to wal-mart looking for a vcr/dvd combo and the hook-ups for it so we could watch movies at our new house and i was hunched over the buggy the entire time just praying for us to leave soon! so when we wrapped up our wal-mart trip she just went ahead and took me to the er where they gave me a shot of dilaudid/phenergan and sent me on my way. they said that if the pain was still that debilitating the next day or if the dilaudid/phenergan combo didn't work then i needed to come back to the er ASAP for further testing.

so we went home saturday night and the dilaudid/phenergan did the trick and i got some good rest until i woke up sunday morning. katie had already left by then (the viewing was yesterday afternoon and the funeral is today) so i couldn't go back to the er even though the pain was as bad yesterday as it was saturday. so i just kept on chewing up lortab 5's and hoping that the pain would just go away. i'm not sure how many lortab 5's i took yesterday though which is REALLY scary. especially since i was still in so much PAIN! but there were 15 in the bottle saturday morning and only 4 in the bottle this morning. so somehow between saturday and sunday i chewed up 11 lortab 5's and was still functioning and still in extremely intense pain.

and here it is, monday morning, and i have to go to the hospital for my pre-op testing in about 45 minutes. i'm still in pain but guess what? when i got on the scale this morning it said 114! weird... that's 10 pounds below what i weighed the last two weeks at the doctor's offices (and their scales are the same as mine) but still 6 pounds above my lowest. so now i'm wondering, is this going to be like taking a car to the mechanic? it knocks and knocks and knocks the whole way up there but as soon as the mechanic gets in it purrs like the first day you got it? so... i'm hurting and hurting and swelling and gaining weight but as soon as my gyno opens me up **poof!** i'm magically going to be healed and he won't find anything??? so now what?

shouldn't this be getting better by now?

as most of you know (and if you don't just read back through some of my old threads) my b12 is EXTREMELY low right now and i've had to start getting b12 injections once a week for 4 weeks and then once a month thereafter.

so i've gotten 3 shots so far and i'm a little bit confused about this. the nurse that i spoke with at my pcp's office said that i probably was having difficulty thinking and remembering things and expressing myself due to having such a low b12 level. and YES, this is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!! but she said that i'd start feeling much better and more like myself after just the first shot.

well like i said before i've had 3 shots so far and it seems like my mental capacity is diminishing with each shot instead of improving. (and no, this isn't just a hypochondriac moment either. my girlfriend even made the comment yesterday that she's noticed my speech and memory getting MUCH worse here lately.)

i wonder why that is. does anybody here have any insight into this? i'm going to ask the nurse when i go in for my 4th shot next week but i wondered if anyone had any suggestions about possibilities that i could be researching in the meantime.

thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions that anybody may have