i've been reading the boards this morning and i've noticed a lot of people talking about "goal" and "wow moments" and stuff like that and how happy they are to have the weight off, etc. for some reason though, this is triggering a feeling in me that is absolutely ludicrous!! i feel like a failure. i feel that i've screwed up my "tool" and i'm on the precipice of some horrible disaster that will cause me to regain every single solitary ounce that i've lost.
i think mostly the reason i'm feeling this way though is not actually because of the posts. i feel this way because of the weirdness going on in my abdomen. i know i shouldn't feel like this, especially since the weirdness in my abdomen isn't actual "fat" or anything but i look in the mirror and i see this huge, hard bulge in the lower half of my abdomen and it freaks me out and makes me want to just lay down in the floor and cry my head off.
i went to my pcp this past friday and when i asked her about this (again!!) she told me (again!!) that she thinks i'm just "full of crap". (<--- that's a direct quote!!!) she thinks that i need to take a laxative and then i'll lose about 10+ pounds and she came to this diagnosis without even touching or looking at my abdomen. since sunday i have taken 22 dulcolax tablets. (2 at a time and spaced out over the course of these many days.) and YES! i have had many many MANY bm's. yet my abdomen is still hard and still protrudes and still causes me to have to wear pants two sizes larger than without the "bulge".
i'm literally about to lose my mind over this. my eyes are welling up with tears as i type this and i just don't even know what to do anymore. i can feel a panic attack coming on yet i'm completely powerless to stop it.
i'm scheduled for an exploratory laparoscopy with my obgyn on valentine's day and hopefully he can fix whatever is wrong (endometriosis? fibroids? something else???) but what if that isn't the answer? what if??? he!!, what if whatever's wrong gets way worse between now and valentine's day and i don't even make it to HAVE the exploratory lap???
and add to that the fact that my b12 and vitamin d are both extremely low and i'm just one mell of a hess right now! i called my surgeon's office the other day to at least let them know that my vitamin d and b12 were extremely low and the nurse called me back and said that i'm taking the wrong vitamins. umm... you don't even know what vitamins i'm taking!! der!! how can they be "wrong" if you don't even know what i'm taking? her reply? "you should ALWAYS be taking the bariatric advantage vitamins NO MATTER WHAT!" ok fine but the bariatric advantage vitamins come back up whenever i take them so isn't it better to take a vitamin that will stay down rather than one that won't?? because at least then i'm getting SOMETHING, right??
but they aren't concerned about my vitamin d or my b12 OR the weirdness in my abdomen. my pcp says i'm full of crap and my surgeon says i'm taking the wrong vitamins and i'm eating too much. HELLO!!! how the crap is 500-600 calories a day TOO MUCH??? god i'm crying now! i gotta go...
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