*sigh*

one more day after today. just one more day left in this place that i've called "home" for over 5 years now. i had intended on retiring from this job, you know? that's what i said when i first walked in the door. that no matter how bad things got i would do my best to stick it out until things got better again. i have plastered pictures of kensie all over my desk and cabinets so that i could draw strength from her, from being a responsible parent and doing things that i might not like just for the sake of a paycheck and a roof over my head. for her. for kensie, my darling daughter. she is the reason that i do everything that i do in my life (and the reason that i DON'T do certain things.) and she's also what's holding me back. i can't figure out what direction to take my career because i have to continue being "responsible". one of my oh.com friends said for me not to fall into the "paralysis by analysis" trap but i just can't help it. if i stay here i will be unemployed indefinitely. but if i move then who's going to PHYSICALLY be there for us in an emergency??? well folks, it ain't gettin' any better than this. i will *work* today and then tomorrow i will bring in several totes and pack up my belongings and at five o'clock i will walk out that door for the very last time. am i sad? yes, of course. and angry too. and happy but it's really difficult to grab that happiness now that the gravity of the situation is setting in.

7 more days of hell

and idk what i'm going to do. idk where to go or anything. i know that i have to move by the end of december but idk where to move to (or with what money.) idk where to look for a job because idk where i'll be living. and i can't find a new place to live because who's going to rent to someone who's unemployed?

there are lots of jobs out there for me but none of them are "local". i'd basically have to move either to another state or to a completely other part of the state in order to find anything even remotely close to what i'm doing now. but i can't because that would mean leaving my support system behind and i can't do that because then who'd help me with kensie?

and i'm really sad today. now don't get me wrong, i'm not sad about losing my job. in fact, i'm extremely happy that i won't be working here for very much longer. i'm happy to be leaving this area. hell, i'm happy that obama's the president-elect! but, in the grand scheme of things, i'm so very very sad right now. and scared. and lonely. and... alone.

i just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the next week+. at home. alone. in my own bed. with the blankets pulled up over my head. but i can't do that. OBVIOUSLY i can't do that. i have a child and a life (somewhat anyway.) but i really feel like i need a vacation right about now. i need to travel and get away from here, gain some perspective. but my car's fucked up so i'm not going anywhere. hell, my car is the entire reason i wasn't able to even drive to decatur to vote last night! but that didn't matter. my voice was heard last night anyway, even though i wasn't able to cast my ballot.