what do you do...?

when you suspect something horrible that could shatter your world and that may or may not have happened or that could possibly happen at some point in the very near future? do you confront the person? do you go along blindly and "hope" that you’re just being a paranoid neurotic mess... as usual? or do you try to "fix" something that may or may not even be broken?

edited to add: THIS is what i was referring to, for those who were curious...





katie’s new "friend"... :~(

i mean omgs!! how the crap can i even begin to compete with her??? she’s beautiful... and i’m so NOT :, ~( ...at all!

plus, they’re about the same age and have more in common than we do. they spend a LOT of time together and whenever me and katie are off work she’s all the time either talking to or texting michelle OR talking ABOUT her. "michelle this, michelle that, michelle said, michelle thinks, michelle wants, michelle is going to, omgs! you’ll never believe what happened to michelle!" makes me wanna SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmm... what to blog about today... gossip? SURE!

i think i'll delve into some thoughts that are rattling around in my head today.

first, i want to talk about michelle and betsy. maybe tomorrow i'll talk about my girlfriend katie. and then maybe the next day i'll discuss my daughter and my grandparent's/mom's role in her life.

so, first things first. michelle and betsy. betsy is a girl who USED to work at one of the local rent-a-centers. for those of you who don't already know, katie (my girlfriend) works at rent-a-center. she's been there for nearly a year now. not too terribly long ago she was talking about this girl named betsy that worked at the other store. she would come home (or text me while she was working) and tell me all kinds of craziness about this betsy-character. apparently she's 38 and she lives with her heterosexual "wife and kids". umm... ok.

turns out, betsy is in a relationship with a straight woman. weird. i totally do NOT get it. apparently, betsy LOVES this woman (her name is kim) and her kids and wants to have an actual "lesbian relationship" with her BUT... kim is straight. BUT... kim does not want to lose betsy either. so they live together. in the same house, sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms. betsy and kim share ALL the bills. betsy and kim both also take care of kim's kids. (financially, emotionally... you get the picture, right?) and, according to katie, betsy claims that she will never leave kim. that they are married even though they are not EVER in any way, shape or form INTIMATE with each other. she told katie that whenever she finally meets "ms. right" she'll just have to be content with the fact that betsy and kim are married and that kim and her kids take priority over anyone/thing else. (WTF!!!!) she also said that if kim ever decided to marry a MAN that he would have to be ok with the fact that betsy is her wife (again, WTF!!!!)

well then sometimes betsy gets lonely. (duh... i wonder why...) and she asks katie to set her up with people. idk exactly where she thinks/wants something like that to actually GO but katie, being the super-nice friend that she is, is constantly on the lookout for "someone for betsy". a few months ago she set her up with this girl that she had previously set her ex-girlfriend lauren up with. (or maybe lauren had already met this girl and then the four of us double dated once? idk... it was a long time ago and i can't remember back that far.)

this girl's name is leslie. leslie is 23 years old. leslie also has a daughter. a YOUNG daughter. (she's 3.) leslie... is also married. to a man. um... what? yeah. married to a man. but she lives at home with her mom. and her husband is currently serving in iraq. WHAT???? yeah, you read that right. iraq. and his wife is at home trying to hook up with all the women she possibly can while he's away serving our country and fighting for our freedom! how friggin' disrespectful is THAT??!?

anywho, things didn't work out with leslie and lauren. lauren is an idiot anyway, lols, so we won't go into that whole train wreck. (that's another blog for another day...) so then all of a sudden about the same time that betsy is pestering katie to hook her up with someone katie runs into leslie again. leslie proclaims that she's single (she says she's only married so that her daughter can have insurance. WTF-EVER!!! dood! if your daughter is HIS daughter then he's LEGALLY REQUIRED to PAY CHILD SUPPORT AANNNDDDD to carry insurance on the child!!! duh!!!) so katie somehow connects betsy and leslie via text messages. so betsy and leslie chat and then they decide to actually talk on the phone. they talked for about an hour or so and decided that they wanted to meet in person and see how things go from there and katie has the brilliant idea of inviting them both over to our house so that I CAN COOK FOR THEM and they can have a date without the pressures of an actual "date". kwim?

betsy picked katie up from work that night because it was all last minute and i had to figure something out for supper since i so totally was NOT prepared and needed all the time i could get! then betsy and katie went over to leslie's house so that she could follow them over to OUR house. turns out leslie has her own apartment now. (oh wait, lols, i almost forgot this part! before leslie and betsy even met leslie was freaking out on the phone with katie because she had just been out the previous night with someone else and had a GINORMOUS HICKEY on her neck!!! i mean, it looked like someone had been BEATING that poor girl!! ahaahaa!!! and she's going out on a "first date" like that, omgs!!) so they get to leslie's apartment and from what i hear, it was a total wreck! like, all the doors were closed (presumably to hide her messy bedrooms, etc) and the rooms that were visible were cluttered and dirty and it looked like there had been stuff "everywhere" at one point but that someone had made a half-assed attempt at "straightening up" by kicking everything on the floor until it was in the bedrooms or underneath the furniture. (EW!)

not only that but she had not showered, she was wearing a football jersey, dirty blue jeans, a backwards ball cap, her hair was nasty and she smelled bad. (i witnessed this first hand. she was straight-up FUNKNASTY!!!) and then... there's her daughter. this poor child. it isn't her fault, it really isn't. but this child... is hideous. (BUT IT ISN'T HER FAULT, OK? i'm not saying she's DISFIGURED or anything like that. just that leslie doesn't know how to take care of her and it's VERY OBVIOUS!) the little girl is 3 years old, ok? 3 years old. and is not potty trained. AT ALL. seriously... NOT. AT. ALL.

when they got to our house katie and betsy went outside to try and round up one of our dogs that had gotten out. (it was storming and several sections of our privacy fence had fallen and our new puppies, that we'd just gotten the day before, had gotten loose. we got all but one rounded up but that last one was skittish anyway and we just couldn't get her back to the house!) while katie and betsy were looking for jazzie, leslie takes destiny (her daughter) into the bathroom. ok, keep in mind now that i'm cooking. i'm not paying ANYBODY any attention, ok? because i'm focused. i'm set. i'm cooking. next thing i know this weirdo comes into my kitchen asking where the garbage can is. (she was standing RIGHT BESIDE IT!!!) so i'm kinda in a daze or whatever and i point to it and she starts to toss this funky diaper into my garbage can! she didn't roll it up and tape it back down or ANYTHING! it was just a NASTY DIAPER FLOPPED OPEN IN MY TRASH CAN! i realized what she was doing at the very last second and said hold on a second and handed her a plastic wal-mart bag to put it in. so she put it in the plastic wal-mart bag and then puts it in my trash can! open! in an open plastic bag! in my kitchen trash can! right beside where i was cooking! fucking idiot!!! (i made katie take the trash out as soon as her and betsy came back inside. i was about to vomit...)

so then supper is ready and i fix bowls for everyone and they're all in the living room eating. i had already made up my mind that this girl was a weirdo and i wanted nothing to do with her so i started cleaning up the kitchen (it's AMAZING how busy you can become when you don't want to partake in a nightmare!) i just kept cleaning and cleaning and cleaning but i was listening too. i was hearing the whole conversation that was going on but unfortunately, there wasn't any conversation going on. well, not with leslie anyway. leslie sat there and texted the entire time she was at our house. she did not participate in any conversations at all. i take that back, she DID speak to her daughter a few times. erm, cussed at her actually. and yelled at her. and i was about two seconds away from calling dhr to take her kid away from her. (it was horrible.)

finally betsy and leslie leave and me and katie discussed the events of the evening and decided that leslie is rude and inconsiderate and she disrespected betsy AND she disrespected our house. therefore, leslie is no longer allowed in our home. leslie's excuse was that she's "shy". ok, wtf. I'M shy. but i don't sit there and smart off to people and ignore people and yell and cuss at my kid when i'm supposed to be on a DATE and making a GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION!!

ok, rewind a bit. when katie and i first met we bought the first season of the l word. after that we were hooked and were on a quest to find the rest of the episodes for the rest of the seasons so we could get caught up. in this quest she went by one of the movie rental places in town (heck if i remember which one though) and met this lesbian named michelle. michelle said that her store was getting the NEXT season of the l word as soon as it comes out and that she would put us down on the list to be the first people to rent it when they get it in. well, michelle never called us. heck, we even went up to that store and were told that they were NOT getting the l word in, at all. (we found it somewhere else, i think we ended up renting it from netflix actually.) so then michelle kinda disappeared and we forgot about her until katie was near her house picking up a payment from one of her customers (it all goes back to rent-a-center... always...) and michelle was outside and recognized katie and called her over. so they started talking and katie discovered that michelle's single and looking. so she has the bright idea of hooking her up with betsy. (why??? omgs, idk!)

anywho, they started texting and talking on the phone for awhile and decided that they wanted to meet. so katie invited them over to our house so that I CAN COOK FOR THEM and they can have a date without the pressures of an actual "date". (wow. deja vu much?) this was wednesday of last week. katie's off work on wednesdays and she actually had been hanging out at michelle's house for awhile on wednesday. (makes my skin crawl but we'll get into that later...) also, wednesday my daughter kensie had invited a friend to come over and play. (her name's madison. she doesn't get to come over that much because we don't live nearby anymore so we try to make the most of it whenever she DOES get to come over.) so katie came to pick me up from work and she had madison and kensie in the backseat and we had to swing by the grocery store for the fixin's for supper since i was yet again caught off guard. when katie got out of the grocery store (i got off work at 5pm. she got out of the grocery store at 5:15pm AT THE LATEST!!) betsy called her and asked where we were.

WTF yo!! we live a good 20 minutes from my job! it wasn't even 5:20! plus, katie had told her that we'd call her once we got home and she could head over to our house THEN! i mean good god! i just friggin' worked 8+ hours, i have two little girls that i'm trying to deal with plus katie and two STRANGERS that i'm going to have too cook for and i don't even get to go home and change clothes and sit down for two seconds before we have company again??? i don't get to rest and relax and recharge my batteries before i have to deal with PEOPLE again??? UGGGS!!!! i fucking HATE that shit!!! (and for the record, katie was pretty ticked too.)

so we got home and betsy and michelle are parked beside our yard waiting for us. we went inside and i cooked and katie somehow forgot to get the noodles from the grocery store even though she paid for them. so, betsy and katie went to the grocery store to get my noodles. (shells, actually.) for some reason michelle decided to stay at the house (which weirded me out right away but whatever...) then, the girls were playing and i was cooking and michelle came over to "present" me with a care bear, lols. apparently earlier that day she had noticed my care bear key chain when katie was over at her house and she COLLECTS care bears so she thought she would give me one from her collection. (weirdo. nice, but still...)

well then she asks me if the girls can have candy before supper. she whips out this sleeve of starburst candies and tries to hand it to me to give to the girls. i said no for her to give it to them, lols, and she said no because she's shy. umm, what? really? just give it to 'em! dadgum man, they're 8 & 9 fer cryin' out loud! so anywho, she gives them the starbursts and they split them and are very hyper and happy. (LOLS! gotsta love that sugah rush, eh?)

katie and betsy came back and betsy wanted to go outside and show katie how to vacuum the pool out (or something, idk) and then michelle tells me that she's going to go outside with them. um, whatever. i don't care. then i got to a stopping point with cooking (i was waiting for water to boil. no sense sitting there watching it, right?) so i went outside to see my puppies since i hadn't seen them all friggin' day! i sat down and was busily talking to my babies and giving them lots and lots of lovins and then betsy and katie decided to go inside. but, uhm... michelle decided to stay outside. idk why. it was weird. and she was wearing a really nice black jumpsuit so idk why she wanted to stay outside with our dirty nasty dogs that love to slobber and jump all over people. i figured she wanted to be sociable for whatever reason so i pointed to where our plastic chairs were and told her she could pull one around to sit on if she wanted and she said no because they weren't "big girl friendly", lols. i said "oh yeah, sorry, lols, i forgot." and to someone who didn't know me previously or who didn't know my history that might've sounded really bad but honestly, i only meant it in the nicest possible way. i have very recently transformed myself from a super morbidly obese person to someone who is straddling the line between healthy and thin. (but still technically healthy.)

so she just sat down on the ground. well actually, on the bricks on our patio. just, right there on the ground! wtf! in her nice clothes and everything! omgs, i would've been so paranoid... well then katie came out and asked her if she wanted to come inside and she said no, that she wanted to sit out there and visit with the puppies for a minute. so katie offered her a chair and got the same response. then katie pulled up a chair and sat down. so... just the three of us... sitting outside with the dogs... meanwhile idk where betsy was or what she was doing or whatever but it was extremely weird and awkward.

then we all went inside and the awkwardness was over, momentarily. so i worked on supper while they watched a movie and hung out and talked, etc. i was listening to the conversations of course, just like before, but i was just observing for the most part. (like my own private drama unfolding before my very eyes, lols!!!) well then supper was ready and i served everybody, ate a teeny tiny bit myself and then went to work cleaning up the kitchen. (putting the leftovers away, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, moving laundry over, etc, etc.) when that was all finally finished and the counters had been wiped down i went to sit down and watch the very tail end of the movie with them. right as i sat down betsy stood up and said she had to walk outside to use her phone because kim was texting her because her car alarm had gone off which means that someone was trying to break into it. (whatever. that's RARELY EVER the reason car alarms go off, lols!! seriously.)

betsy went outside and used her phone and the three of us watched the rest of the movie together. (it was like maybe a minute away from being over anyway. pfft!) then when it was over, betsy walked back in and sat down and they hung out for MAYBE 5 more minutes and then... LEFT! ugg! wtf? so, i'm good enough to FEED you and for you to hang out in my HOME but... you can't hang out with me??? omgs! whatever...

it's almost the end of the day so i might have to turn this into a two-part blog, lols, because there's SO MUCH more to this than what i have typed out right now. **sigh** yeah, i guess that's what i'll do. the saga will continue... tomorrow!

bored. at work. not working. wanna go home...

**sigh** i'm supposed to be working. but i just can't seem to make myself do anything right now. i'm trying to surf the internet to occupy my time until katie comes to get me but unfortunately, i have reached the end of the internet! (lols!!! not really but still... you know??)

i went to the chiropractor today because my left knee has been hurting a LOT lately and my left calf has also been swelling up pretty badly. he gave me a MUCH NEEDED adjustment and pretty much just sent me on my merry way! he told me to use ice and/or this stuff called "biofreeze" for a few days, try to be easy with myself and that it should take care of itself after this. he believes it was due to something (gosh, i can't remember how he phrased it) with the way i was carrying myself because my hips were EXTREMELY out of whack. (nothing new there. they slip out of place a LOT!)

i also walked around downtown for the 45 minutes leading up to the appointment. i thought i should probably get some walking in since i've been slacking off on my exercise a lot lately. if i was at home right now i would take bitty out for a walk around the cul-de-sac a few times and get HIM some exercise too. and i might do that after i get home anyway. maybe i can sweet talk katie into going on a walk with me too, lols. doubtful but... one can hope.

but ah crap! i just remembered that katie's dad is coming to town tonight. **sigh** so it looks like i need to force myself to do some hbg's to occupy my time until he leaves. i hate that crap. i hate not being able to just go home, take a long hot bubble bath, put on some comfy clothes, start a fire and just chill. watch a movie, read a book, smoke a little... you know? hopefully he won't be spending the night though. oh god! i just don't think i could handle that!

b-12 deficiency (pernicious anemia??) and gastritis??

so i went for my scope yesterday and discovered that i do NOT have a stricture nor do i have ulcers in my pouch any longer. i DO however have gastritis which is why i've been belching so much lately and have been bloated and also having such horrible "gut wrenching" pains.

i don't recall everything that my surgeon told me yesterday after the scope because of the anesthesia but i seem to recall him stating something about aspirin causing this or that it LOOKED like i'd been taking aspirin or something to that effect. now, this is totally NOT what happened because i have been EXTREMELY DILIGENT in making sure that EVERY physician that i see knows FULL WELL that i had gbs and that i CANNOT take anything with aspirin or aspirin related products in it or NSAID's of any kind. matter of fact, last week the doctor at med-plus was trying to write a script for me for something called "UTA capsules" and i had a HUGE fit about that after i went to webmd and discovered that it has a "cousin" to aspirin in it and people who cannot take aspirin should not take this medication. he was skeptical but he wrote me a script for something else anyway. (trust me, when i get ticked off EVERYONE knows it!!! )

so when i came in to work this morning i started doing some googling and came across this page which states that:

Gastritis is not a single disease, but several different conditions that all have inflammation of the stomach lining. Gastritis can be caused by drinking too much alcohol, prolonged use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) such as aspirin or ibuprofen, or infection with bacteria such as Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori). Sometimes gastritis develops after major surgery, traumatic injury, burns, or severe infections. Certain diseases, such as pernicious anemia, autoimmune disorders, and chronic bile reflux, can cause gastritis as well.

The most common symptoms are abdominal upset or pain. Other symptoms are belching, abdominal bloating, nausea, and vomiting or a feeling of fullness or of burning in the upper abdomen. Blood in your vomit or black stools may be a sign of bleeding in the stomach, which may indicate a serious problem requiring immediate medical attention.

first off, i do NOT drink alcohol, i do NOT use NSAIDs or aspirin or ibuprofen and i also do NOT have h. pylori in my system. however, i DID have surgery on valentine's day (exploratory laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and d&c) and i also just finished a second round of antibiotics two days ago for a bladder (or was it kidney?) infection. AND i'm ALSO deficient in b-12 which is why i've been taking b-12 shots. (my pcp's office tells me that my b-12 was practically nonexistant back in jan/feb and we've been trying to raise it ever since with injections.)

so my question is this: is b-12 deficiency the same thing as pernicious anemia? according to this page it is but i wasn't sure if there were other factors to be considered besides just being deficient in b-12.

also, could the valentine's day surgery have caused the gastritis? (was that a "major" surgery???) or could it be caused by this wicked bladder/kidney infection that won't die? (is that a "severe" infection?) or possibly from the b-12 deficiency? (pernicious anemia?)

i have a call in to the nurse at my pcp's office because they can usually explain things to me in terms that i understand better than my surgeon's office can but they haven't called me back just yet and i was hoping that maybe some of my oh family could shed a little light on this situation.

oh yeah, and here are the pics! (lols, you KNEW that was coming, huh? ) idk why but i've always been weird about medical pictures, films, videos, etc. LOVES LOVES LOVES seeing my insides!!!

remember the "suture" that was hanging from my FIRST scope (way back a year ago?) well, my surgeon didn't like it hanging there because stuff was getting caught on it and causing pain and infection so he removed it. it bled a little but he said it should be ok. (that's what you see in the second pic only it has mucus on it and then in the third pic it shows where he removed it and there was a little blood.) the first pic shows the gastritis and the fourth pic shows my stoma. and he said everything else about my pouch, etc looked "perfect" so that's encouraging news

i'm doing what i CAN so lay off already!!

ok, just so's y'all know... i'm in a GREAT mood today (no really, i AM!!! i'm being totally serious right now, despite the angry smiley on my header...)

so over the weekend i got some pretty nasty emails and also some not-so-nice comments on previous threads, blogs, photos, etc and i just want to take a moment to address these issues.

1) YES, my avatar is ME.

2) NO, i do NOT like how i look.

3) i am TRYING to get help.

4) i AM under the care of SEVERAL physicians at this time.

5) i am NOT anorexic.

6) i am NOT bulimic.

7) i am NOT an attention seeker. i am a SUPPORT and HELP seeker.

8) i DO eat. in fact, i eat CONSTANTLY.

9) i am VERY AWARE of the nutrients that i am putting into my body and i attempt to consume the appropriate amounts of each nutrient on a daily basis.

10) i AM a lap rny patient and as such i DO belong here. whether you choose to support me in my quest to get healthy again is entirely up to you but PLEASE do NOT belittle me or attempt to scare me away from this site. i deserve support just as much as anyone else here.

now, with all that being said i feel like i should also take a moment to address the issue of my food consumption. i know i've stated this a hundred-billion times already but it is very difficult for me to get very much food into my pouch at one time. i had a perf'd ulcer at 26 days out. the repair surgery made my pouch EVEN SMALLER and then i developed scar tissue on top of that which again, made my pouch EVEN SMALLER! so, it takes me ALL DAY of CONSTANT EATING just to get in what i need each day. i am ALWAYS on the lookout for new products or new items that i hadn't considered before so that i may possibly be able to consume the nutrients that i need but in smaller quantities so that i might not have to be CONSTANTLY EATING for the rest of my life, ya dig?

these are the goals that my nutritionist set for me:

calories: 600-1000
fat: 10-40 g. (20-30%)
sodium: 0-2000 mg.
carbs: 40-80 g. (20-30%)
fiber: 20-35 g.
protein: 60-120 g. (50%)

this is my average for the past two weeks (and the past month, 6 months, year+ have all been pretty similar...)

calories: 1034
fat: 33 g.
sodium: 2365 mg.
carbs: 114 g.
fiber: 60 g.
protein: 106 g.

so you see??? i'm doing what i CAN and i'm actually SURPASSING a LOT of those goals!!! and what i haven't surpassed, i've at least MET so PLEASE!!! before you start telling me off and offering ill-gotten "advice" PLEASE know the full story m'kay? YES i have problems. YES i have LOTS of problems. and YES!!!! i AM seeking HELP for those problems!!! this isn't something that i can just snap my fingers and be magically cured of ok? it's a process. and i'm working on it. just because i've been griping about my problems for awhile now doesn't mean that i'm just sitting here griping and not doing anything, not taking anyone's advice, not seeking help, not FIXED YET!!!! i'm listening, ok? i HEAR everything that y'all are saying. and i'm WORKING ON IT!

please, if you're only going to try to make me feel bad with your reply then just go ahead and hit the block button located on the far right beneath this post. i'm sorry that i do not fit the "ideal" that we all hope to achieve with our various wls's. i sincerely apologize to any newbies that i may frighten with my appearance and my "problems". i didn't ask for this. this isn't something that happened to me consciously. "THINGS" happened, DOCTORS blew me off and gave me bad MEDICAL advice, I believed them, I trusted them, I did what they told me to do and now... here i am. so sorry if my presence offends you...

y'all have a great day now ya'hear?

MEMEMEMEME!!!!!

this is just a repost for those that may or may not have seen where i responded with it originally.

i saw my surgeon yesterday and told him as many details as i could bare to tell him and he sort of shrugged me off and told me to ween myself off the laxatives. (i told him the "plan" that i had come up with to try to reduce the amount and he said and to do it myself.)

he's planning on scoping me in a week too. apparently the gastro doc that i was referred to previously ISN'T the only person who can scope me. apparently my rny surgeon can ALSO scope me and that's what he's going to do in order to check for any ulcers/hot spots since i've been having "reflux-like" pain again. he cautioned me that everything might turn out to be "normal" and i told him that i was totally ok with that. i told him that i'd rather him go in there and not find ANYTHING than to NOT have him check and then have another perf'd ulcer and so that's why he agreed to do it.