the claddagh, what a crock!

a traditional irish wedding ring called "the claddagh", the circular band forms two hands holding a heart with a crown on top, and signifies a bond of love, loyalty, friendship and lasting fidelity between the giver and the wearer. the ring is given with the phrase of the claddagh: "with these hands i give you my heart and crown it with my love."

girl scout cookies

here i sit, a failed relationship in my lap, a dysfunctional family that's causing me to tear my hair out, a job that's going kaput and what do i do? i stuff my face wtih all abouts. i have sat here and eaten half a box of girl scout cookies in the last two hours. just cramming them down my throat, one after another...

and then comes the weekend...

my boss went down to tuscaloosa today along with his boss, his bosses boss and the IT guy on sort of a recon mission to find out wth's going on and what we need to know about it. they weren't invited to go but they took it upon themselves to try and gather some information about how *safe* our jobs are right now. apparently we might also lose our jobs to some people in tuscaloosa. we *might* be offered those positions too (as well as the ones in manila) but I JUST GOT THROUGH MOVING!!! i can't move again right now!!! i have a hernia and haven't even finished unpacking from our move LAST MONTH!! and not only that, i don't even KNOW anybody in tuscaloosa and i CERTAINLY don't know anyone in MANILA!!! heck my family is an hour away which makes it tough enough for us to live HERE! can you imagine how difficult it would be for me and my daughter to be living EVEN FARTHER away from our family? jeez...

oh and btw, it's homebuyer's weekend too which means that i'll be working all weekend. (just so i can come in monday morning and find a pink slip laying on my desk...)

i'm at peace now

i've been thinking and thinking and trying to get a game plan together and here's what i've decided to do. i'm currently in the process of getting my work samples together so that i might have a nice portfolio when this is all over with. and i've also got my resume together and have put out a few "feelers" to try and test the market and see what i can come up with *just in case* this actually happens.

i've decided that i'm going to basically ride it out and see what happens. several people in my department have already decided to jump ship and that means that they will be needing the remaining team members to pick up the slack in the meantime. so, that means overtime for me and several others until the "end". so i will accept this overtime and sock the extra funds away until i need it. they've also mentioned the possibility of a severance package but i have no idea at this point what exactly that would entail.

and IF it actually happens? **sigh** i guess i'll go apply for unemployment, food stamps, section 8, cma and any other assistance that i might possibly qualify for. and i guess while i'm waiting for that to happen i'll hit the library and look through all the old phone books for any advertising agencies in the surrounding areas, any publishing firms ~ ANYTHING that i can think of that would be in sync with what i already know and that could possibly provide an outlet for future professional growth. and in my spare time i guess i'll have that yard sale that i've been yapping about for months now, lol!!

heck i could probably live quite nicely on the earnings from that, lol! because i have practically an entire wardrobe ranging in sizes from 26 womens all the way down to 16 childrens (i currently wear a 12/14 childrens *usually*) and i also still have every toy we've EVER bought for my daughter from birth to present (and she's about to turn 9 so that's a whole heckuva lotta toys!!) not to mention all the little knick-knacks and do-dads that i have lying around. (i'm quite the pack rat in case you didn't already know! )

so in light of all the above, i think that we'll be "okay" for a little while. maybe this is really a blessing in disguise afterall. i mean hey, when else would i possibly be able to spend quality time with my daughter on a daily basis and STILL earn a paycheck (of sorts)??? i'm still concerned about the insurance bit but i reckon i'll just have to suck it up and shell out the extra $ for cobra coverage, expensive as it is... because i sure can't afford to be WITHOUT insurance, knowing how MY body is! so i guess i'll just consider this a nice long paid vacation and try to get my life in order in the meantime.

and did i mention that i'm at peace with all of this? i mean, not REALLY but considering the fact that it's pretty concrete at this point and there's no changing the big-wig's minds... i suppose it's best if i just accept the fact and DEAL with it. so i am. i'm grieving for the potential loss of my job and the loss of my tenure and the loss of the camaraderie that i have here with people who actually *GET* me (fellow graphic artists and newspaper employees... we have a unique sense of humor and sense of self and the general public just doesn't really understand i guess )

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Bargaining

4-Depression

5-Acceptance

so since i've gone through all of the above listed stages... does that mean that i'm *done*? i've accepted what's *most likely* going to happen so now can i just... move on?

please help me

apparently the whole "move to manila" thing that i was so concerned about last week is going to be happening a lot sooner than we anticipated. actually, in all honesty, i may not have a job come september 1st. so now i'm trying to get into "self preservation" mode and trying to figure out wth i need to do to ensure that my daughter and i aren't just left out in the cold with nowhere to go. i dug through some old documents yesterday and found my old resume and did some tweaking and updating. here it is, lemme know what you think and if i need to tweak and/or change it some more. (btw, if you double click on the image it should open up entirely in a window by itself.)

BITCH!!!!

god i hate how easily influenced by other people i am. have you ever heard the saying "insanity is contagious"? well, it's true. especially for those whose sanity is already somewhat in question (as mine most definitely is.)

i'm extremely angry right now. i've been dealing with increasing migraine attacks over the past couple of months and have been trying to gain control over the situation with the help of my new neurologist and new pcp. we've made progress but as i'm sure you already know, there is no CURE for migraines. the only thing you can do is TRY to prevent them and TRY to treat them as the occur. but there's no guarantee that the preventative measures will work or that the treatment will work once a migraine is already in place.

and this is something i'm having a hard time making katie understand. every time i have a migraine now she thinks i'm faking it. every time i need to go to the doctor or to med plus or to the hospital or anything she gets angry at me and starts an argument with me or (good lord!!!) wants to talk about our "relationship" while i'm in the midst of a migraine! (IDIOT!!!!)

this weekend i had a migraine that had been following me around since monday of last week (or was it sunday? idk, i can't really remember...) anywho, saturday i told katie that i needed to go to med plus for a shot and asked her if she could be my driver since they won't give me a shot without a driver and also since i don't know anybody else around here that could or would do that for me. she wouldn't go saturday night because a) she planned on just going home after work and going to bed and then after we talked some more she decided that b) she had a cookout that she had been invited to and would rather do that instead and then c) AFTER i went to med-plus and was told i could come back the next day for a shot and i went ahead and took the pills that they prescribed THEN she decided that she wanted to take me up there THAT NIGHT instead of in the morning (after hem-hawing around about it for a good hour and a half!) and since i can't get a shot until four hours after taking the pain meds i COULDN'T go back for a shot saturday night and HAD to do it sunday morning even though she had then decided that she would rather sleep in sunday morning. so basically, i have to suffer with a migraine until she's good and ready to take me to med-plus for a shot. (FUCKING BITCH!!!!)

so then sunday morning we went up there for my shot and when they called me back they discovered that my blood pressure was EXTREMELY low because i was EXTREMELY dehydrated from not being able to eat and drink the previous few days and from dry-heaving all the night before. every time i went to stand up my vision and hearing would go out and i would nearly fall down unless i sat down quickly. then after sitting for a few minutes my vision and hearing would slowly return and as it returned the pounding in my head would increase 10-fold. the doctor witnessed all of this and said that i needed to hang out there for a couple of hours for an iv because of how dehydrated i was. she couldn't even give me any phenergan because of how low my blood pressure was. (phenergan lowers your bp and she was concerned since it was already so low and since i hadn't had any medication yet.)

katie got pissed off and said that she would go check on kensie and to call her when i was ready to go. so they gave me two bags of saline and a pain/nausea shot but she really wanted to give me at least one other bag and honestly, i should've taken it. actually, i should've taken about TWO more bags but i knew that katie was pissed off at me for needing medical attention again (she ALWAYS gets like this! it has to always be all about her or she gets pissed off and complains that i am always sick, etc.) so i told the doctor that i was fine and could go home then. i was BETTER for sure but not completely okay but i just didn't want to hear katie bitching and complaining about having to take care of kensie on her off day.

uggs! so now me and katie are arguing about THAT. i just sent her a text message this morning about how they gave me two bags but that i'm still really dehydrated and should've accepted the other bag that she was offering me but i didn't because i was trying to be respectful of katie and her time. so she got pissed off and said something like "here we go again! don't do this today!!!" or something like that. i was shocked and said "what? what did i do?" and she started yelling at me through texts about how i'm always starting stuff with her. umm... starting what? a conversation??? i'm really confused here.

so we got into this big long argument about how i'm always sick (no, not always. but yes, i DO have medical issues that require medical attention. and i SEEK medical attention instead of suffering! duh!!!) then she sent this: "I am mad at life! I deserve to be alone! Thats it!"

me: "please call your therapist baby. i really don't like you talking like that. i love you. please get help. i know you're hurting but you don't have to."

her: "Ya i do i have dealt with this my whole life. I am taking time for me thats why i left. I have to figure this out. I cant be in a relationship because i cant even take care of myself. I want you to understand that."

"That sounds awful but i really hope you can understand."

me: "ok but don't take it out on me. it hurts too much that you're gone and then add all this on top and it makes me not like you very much at all. i mean, how can we even consider ever getting back together when we can't even get along as friends? you hurt me more and more each day and it seems intentional."

her: "I have problems please stop bringing it up. It does not help."

"Please"

me: "you have to take responsibility for those problems katie or else we can't talk at all. for my own mental health, i can't constantly be around that. i hope you can understand. i love you. but i hate the way you're behaving."

her: "I got in trouble for my phone. Have to go."

her 20 minutes later: "We have to be friends before anything"

her 10 minutes after that: "So maybe we can be friends?"

her again, 30 minutes after THAT: "Guess not"

me about an hour after that last text from her: "wtf? i put my phone up for a couple hours so i can work and you flip out! that's exactly what i'm talking about katie."

her: "Ok."

"I will talk to you later. I have to figure things out ok? Because we cant be together with me like this."

me: "ok. i love you."

her: "I love you."

so apparently she thinks that i should be sitting right here with my cell phone in my hand just waiting for her to text me and i should respond IMMEDIATELY and just exactly the way she wants me to or else it's the end of the world. wtf!!!! am i crazy? do you guys see the insanity that i have to deal with here?? i'm not crazy, am i? well, i KNOW that i am but in this case... i'm NOT... am i?

and the emotional eating begins again...

well, not really. i haven't done anything bad *yet* but i know that i will. we just had a meeting at work and discovered that about 90% of our department will possibly be unemployed in the new year. great. just fucking great. i've been here for 5 years this coming monday. i've put in a lot of time and effort with this job. i know the people that i work with and get along with them fairly well. i also know the clients that we handle and know what sorts of ads they prefer. and now? they're going to outsource our jobs to MANILA??? wtf! i thought that was a type of envelope!

do you have a cell phone?

because i have a cell phone. and i have unlimited texting on it too. do you have unlimited texting dear readers? do you ever get bored during the day and just wanna text to cheer yourself up? because i get that way sometimes. wanna text me? i'll give you my number if you have unlimited texts and we can be texting buddies ;~P

lols, j/k, but not really. so pm me with yo numba if you ever wanna text back and forth and i'll pm you back with MY numba.

ArtistMonday@hotmail.com

have a great day everyone.

ok so here's the deal

so wednesday of last week katie was off of work (as usual) and was attempting to set the house up after our move. the thing is though, she has add (undiagnosed but still...) and can't focus on any one thing for very long. so when she does things like this and i come home it looks like she hasn't done ANYTHING because she's partially done SOME things (but never completes ANYTHING!) so she started working on kensie's closet (we had to add another bar to fit all of our clothes into these tiny closets) but didn't finish that, then she started working on kensie's ROOM but didn't finish that and she also said that she was going to do the dishes but she didn't touch them at all.

so she's texting me all day long (seriously, idk how she ever accomplishes anything because she's constantly texting me. no joke, when i talked to t-mobile and put her line by itself the rep told me that in that particular month she had SENT OUT over 10,000 texts!!!) and then finally she goes "i just want you to know that i'm trying so when you get home you won't get mad or anything. i'm just really tired though and want to rest some. but i'm trying but i won't have anything finished." that pretty much meant that she wasted all her time texting me and watching tv and didn't get anything done.

i texted her back and said ok but that this part of the move was pretty much going to be all her because of my hernia. i told her that my surgeon said for me to not lift, push or pull ANYTHING for the next 4 weeks and then to not lift, push or pull anything over 10 pounds for the 2 weeks after that. she got pissed off at me and said for me to not start this right now because she's already stressed out enough as it is. i was all like "wtf??? what are you even talking about? start what? i'm just telling you what he said." and it pretty much just escalated from there.

she kept saying for me to not talk to her like that (like WHAT? i just told her what my surgeon said!) and that if i kept on that she was going to leave. so i told her to be very certain that that's what she wants before she leaves because if she leaves there's no coming back. and... she left. and immediately regretted it and thought that i should let her come back home that very night. WTF!

well we've been texting and talking since then and we're trying to work on things together and trying to work on getting back together but it's going to take some time...

anywho, now you know.

migraine.

sudden and severe. i'm about to throw up. dizzy, can't see straight or really control my movements. and i'm sweating a lot. i'm in the aura phase i guess. can't see straight and get dizzy when i change what i'm looking at. it's like i have thick coke bottle lenses in my glasses. i've never had aura before. everything's really loud too. and my hands/arms are really heavy.

i'm single again

yeah, you read that right. katie and i broke up. and i really don't have anything else to say on the matter right now. maybe later on (today? idk...) i'll feel like giving details but right now i'm just not up to it so i'm just going to concentrate on working.