BITCH!!!!

god i hate how easily influenced by other people i am. have you ever heard the saying "insanity is contagious"? well, it's true. especially for those whose sanity is already somewhat in question (as mine most definitely is.)

i'm extremely angry right now. i've been dealing with increasing migraine attacks over the past couple of months and have been trying to gain control over the situation with the help of my new neurologist and new pcp. we've made progress but as i'm sure you already know, there is no CURE for migraines. the only thing you can do is TRY to prevent them and TRY to treat them as the occur. but there's no guarantee that the preventative measures will work or that the treatment will work once a migraine is already in place.

and this is something i'm having a hard time making katie understand. every time i have a migraine now she thinks i'm faking it. every time i need to go to the doctor or to med plus or to the hospital or anything she gets angry at me and starts an argument with me or (good lord!!!) wants to talk about our "relationship" while i'm in the midst of a migraine! (IDIOT!!!!)

this weekend i had a migraine that had been following me around since monday of last week (or was it sunday? idk, i can't really remember...) anywho, saturday i told katie that i needed to go to med plus for a shot and asked her if she could be my driver since they won't give me a shot without a driver and also since i don't know anybody else around here that could or would do that for me. she wouldn't go saturday night because a) she planned on just going home after work and going to bed and then after we talked some more she decided that b) she had a cookout that she had been invited to and would rather do that instead and then c) AFTER i went to med-plus and was told i could come back the next day for a shot and i went ahead and took the pills that they prescribed THEN she decided that she wanted to take me up there THAT NIGHT instead of in the morning (after hem-hawing around about it for a good hour and a half!) and since i can't get a shot until four hours after taking the pain meds i COULDN'T go back for a shot saturday night and HAD to do it sunday morning even though she had then decided that she would rather sleep in sunday morning. so basically, i have to suffer with a migraine until she's good and ready to take me to med-plus for a shot. (FUCKING BITCH!!!!)

so then sunday morning we went up there for my shot and when they called me back they discovered that my blood pressure was EXTREMELY low because i was EXTREMELY dehydrated from not being able to eat and drink the previous few days and from dry-heaving all the night before. every time i went to stand up my vision and hearing would go out and i would nearly fall down unless i sat down quickly. then after sitting for a few minutes my vision and hearing would slowly return and as it returned the pounding in my head would increase 10-fold. the doctor witnessed all of this and said that i needed to hang out there for a couple of hours for an iv because of how dehydrated i was. she couldn't even give me any phenergan because of how low my blood pressure was. (phenergan lowers your bp and she was concerned since it was already so low and since i hadn't had any medication yet.)

katie got pissed off and said that she would go check on kensie and to call her when i was ready to go. so they gave me two bags of saline and a pain/nausea shot but she really wanted to give me at least one other bag and honestly, i should've taken it. actually, i should've taken about TWO more bags but i knew that katie was pissed off at me for needing medical attention again (she ALWAYS gets like this! it has to always be all about her or she gets pissed off and complains that i am always sick, etc.) so i told the doctor that i was fine and could go home then. i was BETTER for sure but not completely okay but i just didn't want to hear katie bitching and complaining about having to take care of kensie on her off day.

uggs! so now me and katie are arguing about THAT. i just sent her a text message this morning about how they gave me two bags but that i'm still really dehydrated and should've accepted the other bag that she was offering me but i didn't because i was trying to be respectful of katie and her time. so she got pissed off and said something like "here we go again! don't do this today!!!" or something like that. i was shocked and said "what? what did i do?" and she started yelling at me through texts about how i'm always starting stuff with her. umm... starting what? a conversation??? i'm really confused here.

so we got into this big long argument about how i'm always sick (no, not always. but yes, i DO have medical issues that require medical attention. and i SEEK medical attention instead of suffering! duh!!!) then she sent this: "I am mad at life! I deserve to be alone! Thats it!"

me: "please call your therapist baby. i really don't like you talking like that. i love you. please get help. i know you're hurting but you don't have to."

her: "Ya i do i have dealt with this my whole life. I am taking time for me thats why i left. I have to figure this out. I cant be in a relationship because i cant even take care of myself. I want you to understand that."

"That sounds awful but i really hope you can understand."

me: "ok but don't take it out on me. it hurts too much that you're gone and then add all this on top and it makes me not like you very much at all. i mean, how can we even consider ever getting back together when we can't even get along as friends? you hurt me more and more each day and it seems intentional."

her: "I have problems please stop bringing it up. It does not help."

"Please"

me: "you have to take responsibility for those problems katie or else we can't talk at all. for my own mental health, i can't constantly be around that. i hope you can understand. i love you. but i hate the way you're behaving."

her: "I got in trouble for my phone. Have to go."

her 20 minutes later: "We have to be friends before anything"

her 10 minutes after that: "So maybe we can be friends?"

her again, 30 minutes after THAT: "Guess not"

me about an hour after that last text from her: "wtf? i put my phone up for a couple hours so i can work and you flip out! that's exactly what i'm talking about katie."

her: "Ok."

"I will talk to you later. I have to figure things out ok? Because we cant be together with me like this."

me: "ok. i love you."

her: "I love you."

so apparently she thinks that i should be sitting right here with my cell phone in my hand just waiting for her to text me and i should respond IMMEDIATELY and just exactly the way she wants me to or else it's the end of the world. wtf!!!! am i crazy? do you guys see the insanity that i have to deal with here?? i'm not crazy, am i? well, i KNOW that i am but in this case... i'm NOT... am i?