OMFG!!!!

there's this girl here (married with a child so... TOTALLY straight) that i don't usually talk to or have much of anything to do with. (she's one of the ones who's "taking my place" because she's a "sales assistant" now.) anywho, she's completely NOT my type but today's halloween and we all dressed up for work. guess what she dressed up as... a man. she's a fucking drag king and it's the hottest damn thing i've ever seen in my LIFE!!!! holy jeebus, wtf yo???

as of today

i am quitting taking all of my medication. my carafate, my prevacid, my elavil, my depakote... everything. cold turkey. and i really don't give a shit what happens. i'm done. i can't handle this any more. if i hurt, i hurt. if i get another perforated ulcer then i just get another perforated ulcer. i don't care. i'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors not believing me and trying to medicate the problems that i'm NOT having. so you know what? fuck it. and *IF* i have a perforated ulcer then you can just print out this blog and give it to the surgeon who fixes me. and *IF* i have a seizure you can print out this blog and give it to my neurologist. i just can't take this shit any more.

my favorite quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~ Anatole France

i just want to quit

taking all medications because obviously they're not doing a damn thing for my migraines. but idk how to quit without causing problems. and without telling my neurologist because i want to quit seeing him too because he isn't helping me either.

FUUUCCKKKKK YO!!!!!

i want to go home so bad

but i can't. i've had this particular migraine since thursday i believe. nothing's working for it. i finally went to the er last night but since i drove myself they couldn't give me "the good stuff". what he ended up giving me was a shot of zofran and a shot of toradol. and i didn't realize until i got online and started researching that toradol is an NSAID and we had just got through talking about the fact that i absolutely CANNOT have NSAIDs and WHY and yet this stupid er doc gives it to me anyway!!!

i called my neurologist first thing this morning but he doesn't get in to the office until about 10:30-ish so i left a message. i called back at around 11:30 to see if the receptionist had given him my message yet and she said no but that she has my chart pulled out and will speak to him as soon as she's able to.

it's now 12:15 and i still haven't heard anything. and my eyes are killing me. i can't remember stuff for work that i've been doing for over 13 years!!! simple little tasks that i can usually do in my sleep are completely eluding me right now. i'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, like people walking behind me only there's nobody there. and then when i'm walking down the hall it appears that the people in front of me are going away from me except in reality they're actually coming TOWARDS me which means that i keep running into people.

will someone loan me a spoon so that i can dig my eyeballs out now please?

do you love it?

LOVES IT!!!

my halloween costume this year... my friend martitalinda sent me two boxes of clothes and one of them contained this beautiful dress and then i got the shoes for $1 at the salvation army yesterday, lols!!! i'm either going to nashvegas for a halloween party on the first or else i'm going to try and talk vann and ashley into going to quest in birmingham that night (but it's a gay bar so idk if vannie would be up for that...)

anywho, since it's the first it's not really "halloween" anymore so i felt kinda weird wearing an actual COSTUME. so this is okay. i can either say that i'm a "snake" (since it's a snake print) or just... my fabulous self! :~D

whaddaya think? (seriously folks, i want comments here. whaddaya think???)

thief!!!

okay so remember my last blog about the stupid bitch that katie was staying with and how she had some rings that belonged to me? well, i didn't know what rings she was talking about and i texted her yesterday to tell her to bring them to me (ALL OF THEM!!!) and then i'd forget she even existed. she got all haughty with me and said that she didn't know who she thinks i am, blah, blah, blah and that she isn't bringing them anywhere because she didn't bring them there to begin with. so i told her that fine, i'd just have the florence police department pick her up for theft and conspiracy to commit a crime and how's about defrauding the social security department while we're at it? (her boyfriend is working under the table even while he's getting social security disability. his name is john peden btw if anybody wants to report him, he lives on graham ave. and he's working under the table at h&h tires in florence and she's a co-conspirator because she knows about this and approves of it.)

anywho, she got scared and called the police department herself. somehow katie got involved and it was determined that she would put my rings in an envelope on her porch for me to pick up. i was under the impression that she had maybe 3 of my rings at the most. well, when i picked up the envelope it was unusually heavy and when i got home there were nine, count 'em... NINE of my rings in there!!! (and these are ALL rings that i know for a fact were at my house just a few months ago because i brought them inside myself! which means that katie did NOT just so happen to have them in her pocket from the move! this means that she STOLE them with the possible intent of pawning them off for cash!!!) here's the pics:



















the last one is the ring that i bought for katie for our one year anniversary. it was supposed to represent our union and was supposed to be a wedding ring of sorts (or at least a promise ring.) i have one that is smaller and matches it. these rings also include (as i'm sure you've already noticed) my class ring that has my name ingraved on the inside of it and also the sapphire ring that my grandmother gave me as my inheritance. (my grandfather got it for her when he was stationed in iran. there are also earrings that match it that i will get when she passes.)

so now i am EXTREMELY ANGRY!!! this woman (katie) not only lied to me and treated me like dogshit but she also STOLE from me!!! the only things that i own that are actually WORTH anything (besides my second-hand furniture and my car...) so how on earth can i ever bring myself to trust anyone ever again? i know for a fact that these rings were in the new house because i brought them there myself and placed them onto the fingers of the hand shaped ring holder that my daughter bought for me for mother's day a few years ago. she STOLE from me and yet she was continually begging me to take her back. she had numerous instances where she could've brought them back and i would've never noticed but she didn't. she just didn't! and now she's getting mad at me for being upset about it! again i ask you, how on earth can i ever bring myself to fully trust anyone in that capacity in my life again as long as i live? if people aren't cheating on me and just generally treating me like shit then they're STEALING from me and treating me like shit!

so you know what? fuck everybody. i don't give a good goddamn anymore. i'm done!

asexual

"Lacking interest in or desire for sex."

yup, that's me. i am officially "asexual". i will never be with another woman or man again as long as i live. i will never allow another person to be close to me. if you know me online that's pretty much as close to me as you're going to get because the whole "in person" thing? it just ain't happenin'. i have been ruined. i don't trust anyone anymore and i really don't feel like working on that. i'd much rather just be me and kensie and not ever allow another soul into our lives. and when she grows up? i'll just get some cats or something. seriously, i don't want any friends, love interests... nothing. i'm not straight. i'm not bi. i'm not gay. i'm just a hollow shell of the person that i once was and the person that i could possibly be. i have been stripped of all the good emotions that i once had and right now, in this moment, i hate everyone. i have no trust for anyone and no love for anyone. katie made sure to take my soul with her when she left. and yes, she's gone for good. she isn't coming back from new mexico and had no intention of coming back in the first place. so that's fine. i won't have to deal with her and her bullshit anymore. and i won't have to deal with anyone else's bullshit anymore either. she's shown me just how ugly and cruel people really are and i want no part of it.

so idk what to think right now...

saturday i got a couple of texts from katie saying not to text her on the phone she had been using (that she got from the people she's been staying with ~ the people who ruined our relationship in the first goddamn place!) i didn't know what was going on so later in the day i CALLED her phone because i thought she meant i was running up her texts or something and to call instead. well no. turns out she gave the phone back to them. apparently they told her that she owed them $200 for the phone and when she called t-mobile to check on it they told her that the bill was only for $100. so basically, these people were trying to sucker her out of an extra hundred dollars (after they've been milking her dry for the last two months and my utilities and phone are due to be shut off because of her not paying her half of the past due balance because she's been giving all her money to THEM!!)

so then sunday katie boarded a plane to go visit her family in new mexico for a week. then sunday afternoon i got a phone call from the bitch that she's been staying with. since i had katie's number on my five faves it showed up saying "katie" so i answered it just out of habit. then that bitch goes "is this chelsey?" (one of katie's friends in new mexico.) i said no and then she goes "well is this katie's mom or sister or somebody?" and i said no and for her to not call this number again and hung up on her!

well then yesterday (monday) i started getting texts from her that went like this (and keep in mind, she's a dumbass hick and can't spell for shit and doesn't know correct grammar or punctuation):

her: "Who is this"

me: "i already told you yesterday to not use this number. if you contact me again i WILL press harassment charges!"

her: "What has katy told u im thinking she tokd u a lie like she told on amanda"

me: "wtf are you talking about?? WHAT lie?? spell it out in plain english."

her: "Is this amanda if so we need to talk"

me: "wtf is your problem? i'm working... a concept you OBVIOUSLY know NOTHING about! i don't have time for this bs. just say whatever you have to say and leave me be"

her: "Well when u get the time u need to know what katy told us i know its not true now its to much to talk about on here while u r working call me when u get off today gm sorry i borthered u at work im at work to"

me: "i won't be calling you. if you have something to say to me then say it. if it's too much to text then just call and leave me a voicemail."

her: "Ok when i get off after 2"

her text after 2pm: "Amanda dont be mad at me ive done nothing katy called me and ask if she could come stay with us cause you told her to leave and said she didnt have any where to go then she got to saying that you hit her (witch i told john i didnt belive that) then when u had to go to med plus she said u was going for the drugs and said she was going to call DHR i ask her why she said u was a drugie amd all u wonted was pills i told her not to then the day ur daughter was over here i ask why u didnt come she said u was on pills and couldnt take care of kinesey amanda what ever or if she said that i said any thing about u i didnt she left your rings here u can come by and get them please dont be mad at me i thought u should know"

so at first i sent katie an email through myspace and told her that kathy (the bitch she was staying with) was calling and texting me and trying to start shit and for her to call her and find out wtf's going on before i go off on her forreals. then after that last text i sent katie another myspace email asking her to call me so i could tell her what kathy had said. well she called me last night and i read the text off to her and she kept interrupting me with shock and indignation and saying that she NEVER said those things and blah, blah, blah and then she started yelling at me for even telling her about it! WTF???

and then starts going off and saying that kathy's been calling everybody and their momma (including her OWN momma!) and that she doesn't know how she got all those numbers because she deleted everything out of that phone. well the thing is, they own that phone and all they have to do is go up to t-mobile and ask for a detailed billing statement and viola! they automatically have every number she's ever dialed and every number that's ever called her! der...

ok so let me address the issues in that last text right now. first off, i never told katie to leave. she threatened to leave and i told her to be very sure that that's what she wanted because IF she left, she couldn't come back.

secondly, i have never hit anybody in my entire life! in fact, i've never even spanked my child except to spat the backs of her legs or her hands if she's running into the street or reaching for something sharp or dangerous (when she was way smaller.) and not only that but katie outweighs me by a good 150 pounds! wtf good would it do for ME to hit HER????

the pill situation we've already addressed and it isn't even an issue anymore. i'm seeing a neurologist practically every week and just had an mra and mri w-w/o contrast last week and go for a follow-up to that this thursday. i have legitimate migraines that require medication. period. end of story. yes... it got out of hand at first but i have control over the situation right now and not only that but i would NEVER EVER IN A HUNDRED MILLION YEARS put my CHILD in physical danger! seriously, i have put kensie on such a pedestal that there's no way in hell anybody could ever even imagine me doing anything that would cause her harm. (in fact, SHE is the sole reason i have ever sought out help in my adult life! if not for her i'd probably be lying dead in some gutter somewhere by now!)

and the only reason kensie went over there was because katie asked if she could spend some time with her! and the reason *I* didn't go is because i can't fucking stand them!!! i mean yeah, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were comfortable and we were working on things... until they started poking their noses around in OUR BUSINESS!!!

things wouldn't have happened the way they did with the move if not for them and THAT is where our relationship fell apart! the full burden of the move was placed squarely on my shoulders because she was hanging out with THEM instead of coming home from work and helping me pack and that's just not fair!

so anywho... that's what i'm dealing with right now. hooray. another thing to stress me out...

and now idk if katie's coming back or not AND if she DOES come back... where's she going to stay??? because obviously she can't stay with THEM anymore! so does that mean that she has to move back in with me again?? and if she DOESN'T come back... what about her stuff??? and what about her portion of our past due bills? what about my utilities? and my phone? and my brakes and rotors and tires? and what about my car insurance? and bitty? because she promised that she would pay for bitty's care (shots, heart worm medicine, grooming, food, etc) if i'd keep him with me and PHYSICALLY take care of him because he loves me but i can't afford to take care of an animal right now.

i told her over and over before she left to just be really careful because when i lived in atlanta i was staying with some people and was paying them rent but THEY weren't paying rent so we got evicted. (they were basically just pocketing my money.) and then, after i'd lost a lot of my stuff from the eviction we moved into a trailer. about a month after we moved in i had to come back home for a few days to have a wisdom tooth removed and i told them before i left too and that i'd be back in just a couple of days. well, when i came back all of my stuff (boxes of clothes, tv, vcr, etc) were sitting outside on the porch getting rained on. i told her that i had a bad feeling that something like that was going to happen to her with these people because they just seemed like that "type". she kept reassuring me that nothing like that would happen to HER and i was stupid for worrying. well... who's stupid now huh?