an update for those STILL concerned about the lax. situation

ok, here's what i've been doing: i drink 3-5 of these concoctions each day. i have a 24 oz. bottle of vitamin water that i get each day and i drink about 3-4 ounces out of the top of it to make room. then i put in one strawberry-kiwi flavored special k2o protein mix packet, one strawberry flavored crystal light packet and then two pink lemonade flavored all bran mix packets. then i freeze it for a couple of hours (not solid though), take it out, shake it up REALLY good and viola! a sweet/tart slushy that gets me "going" AND gets my water in for the day when i mix it up this way then it equals 25 grams of fiber, 5 grams of protein and 70 calories.

i have gone from needing to take 18+ laxatives daily to produce even the slightest movement to now not using ANY laxatives and i go (nice and soft and easy) 1-3 times daily, every single solitary day. i haven't taken a laxative OR stool softener since sunday, april 13th and i've been "regular" like this ever since thursday, april 17th

not that it matters or anything but...

i may not be online again until monday, june 2nd. i *might* be taking a vacation next week. but idk yet for sure. i put it down on the vacation schedule but then my boss flipped his shit and said that he likes to reserve those particular weeks for when people have death's etc. whatever... so, i might be here, i might not. if you don't see me then i guess that means i'm taking a vacation. either that or i got fired. whatever...

see? this is just wtf i'm talking about!

our utilities are due today. actually, they're gonna be shut off at 5pm today if we don't pay them because we've already put off paying that bill and have gotten a disconnect notice. so i asked katie to go pay that bill this morning since she doesn't go in to work until 11am and i go in at 8am. it's now 9:30am and she still hasn't paid the bill. and now she's talking about calling them to tell them that she's gonna pay it next week instead because she doesn't have time to go pay it. WTF!!! you have an hour and a half until you have to be at work! why the hell don't you have time to swing by the utility department and pay the fucking bill??? and you KNOW that if you DON'T pay it NOW since you JUST GOT PAID that you WON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY NEXT WEEK!!!!! i swear to fucking god man, sometimes i just want to strangle that moron!!!! this is SO not good for our relationship

sperm donor ~ what a moron

lols, i just found kensie's "sperm donor" he has a new myspace page. he's such a fucking retard. i hate him.

he used to be soooo attractive:



what the fuck happened???





oh, i remember. yeah... he turned into an asshole and started doing meth and NOT claiming OR taking care of kensie or his other kid and ran off to california with his younger brother to be a "musician", lols. dumbass...

did i do a bad thing??

since katie and i have been living together we've been a "paycheck-to-paycheck" sort of household and the majority of the time it's the NEXT paycheck that we're living off of. (which means that things get shut off and have to be reconnected and fees assessed ~ yadda yadda yadda ~ and this puts us even more in the hole.) this has been driving me absolutely INSANE especially considering that now our income is DOUBLE what MY income was, we only have ONE car and i was making it just fine WITHOUT katie around. (so... wtf happened here???) i'll tell you what happened. katie sucks with money. i mean REALLY sucks with it. not only does she not know when to save money or HOW to save money but she is CONSTANTLY eating out. CONSTANTLY! i cook things for her because she asks me to so she can take leftovers to work for lunch but then they sit in the fridge or freezer until they rot and she eats burger king or sonic or mcdonalds or whatever, spending all our money on junk food when we have perfectly good, healthy, yummy delicious meals ALREADY FIXED at home.

also, we've been trying to save money so that katie can get a car. for some reason when she and i moved in together she GAVE her ex-girlfriend her car. just... GAVE it to her. idk why... but she did. and ever since then i've had to let her use MY car for everything. (i don't like sharing my things, even when i'm in a relationship. i'm very very bad at this and it makes me extremely angry when i'm FORCED to do this.) earlier this year katie decided to get a part time job so she could save money and get a car. but then she told them that she could work 3rd shift AND her days off and she was basically killing herself instead of setting limits and saying she could work 2-3 days/week. so she got burned out really quickly and got mad at me when i would try to encourage her to stick with it (because everyone else was telling her that i was using her and that if anything *I* should get a second job since she's helping to support *MY* child. um, hello there, i get child support for that...) and eventually just stopped going in.

so then last month she decided that she would try to get another part time job and would ONLY work on her off days and that money would ONLY go towards a car. nothing else. it would go directly into a savings account where it could earn interest and where she couldn't just blow it. so she went to the interview, got the job and just needs to call the lady back when she gets a pair of black slacks and some non-skid shoes. this was a month ago. and she still hasn't done it.

we also decided that when she got her stimulus check it would go into the savings account and she wouldn't touch it. it would be for her car and that's it. well, her check came in. and it just so happened to be the same day that kensie's glasses broke. so she spent part of it on that and blew the rest. i mean BLEW it. clothes, eating out, expensive magazines, blah, blah, blah... just BLOWING MONEY on NOTHINGNESS!!!

so, now MY stimulus check is here. i have lots of medical bills that are way overdue that i'd like to take care of. i also owe my grandparent's some money for a u-haul they helped us rent when we moved back in february. this is what we had planned on spending this money on. we PLANNED this. but now that HER money is gone (because *SHE* BLEW IT!!!) she's expecting me to spend MY money on getting her this $4,000 truck (which is newer than my car by the way!!!) because she believes that she can't get anything cheaper than that!!! she wants to put my $900 down on the car and have a $300 a month carpayment in addition to an extra insurance payment and more gas!!! heck, i haven't even paid MY insurance bill in two months so how the fuck does she expect us to be able to afford some shit like that???

so today i went to the bank and opened a savings account that she knows nothing about. i opened it up with $25 and they gave me $20 on top of that which means that i have $45 sitting in there right now. it earns interest quarterly (11% i think?) and transfers $15 into it from my checking account every other week. i'm not going to tell her about this at all. it isn't any of her business. and i'm going to be putting MORE than the $15 every other week into it too if i can get away with it and see how long it takes for it to start adding up. **sigh** maybe i can finally surprise her with a $1,000 car by the end of summer and she'll shut the fuck up about that damn piece of shit $4,000 truck!

ok, so i'm an asshole. so what??

watcha gonna do about it, huh? nothin', that's what! you're just gonna sit there and take all that i have to dish out because you LOVES it!!!

ok, forreals yo... here's the scoop of the day. last week i went to my new pcp to take a glucose tolerance test. i guess i passed, idk... and then today i was sent to a cardiologist to request a tilt table test. he said eat more salt. that's it. no tilt table test. just... eat more salt.

i'm waiting to see if i can get my surgeon's office to order some bloodwork before my 18 month follow-up because i REALLY want to see what my vitamin d level is before i begin taking this vitamin d. i went to see my new pcp this morning because they told me last week that they would do those labs and just to bring the list with me when i came but when i got there the doctor started acting all snotty and saying he wasn't about to argue with the insurance company about thousands of dollars worth of labs that it hasn't even been proven that i need, blah, blah, blah. so basically i need to find a NEW new pcp because this one clearly does NOT understand the importance of regular labwork for post-op gbs patients.

and here i sit, with a prescription for a salt pill, debating about filling it or not. the cardiologist thinks it'll help me to stop falling down all the damn time. but if i start gaining weight then i need to back off and only take one of them instead of two. GAINING WEIGHT??? are you fucking kidding me??? oh HELLS no!!! i don't want to take anything that's going to make me gain weight! in fact, for my height i should really weigh about 10 pounds LESS. i'd LIKE to one day see this "ideal weight" just so i can say that i saw it but unfortunately, i lack that kind of motivation. (lols, i lack the motivation to lose 10 pounds omgs, that's too rich!!!)

**sigh** that's about it i guess... for now anyway.

argh!!! now what??

so now bitty's all sneezy and coughy and idk wtf's wrong with that little fucker. i swear to god man, if he fucking dies i'm gonna KILL him!!!

the artist in miniature

mornin' y'all!!

me and kensie and katie went to kohl's the night before last and were looking at some of their clearance items and trying on some things and katie just kept bringing us stuff and bringing us stuff, lols. i normally don't buy stuff brand new (lols, imma thrift store kinda girl most of the time) but if it's clearance priced then i've been known to bite on occasion. she kept bringing us stuff though and having us try things on from the kids section and we were in different dressing rooms and i had no idea what kensie was trying on until i came out and imagine our surprise when we both opened the door and we were wearing the EXACT SAME OUTFIT!!! so OF COURSE we had to get it, lols and take pictures isn't it adorable? i'm going to go to the school today and eat lunch with her and freak out all her friends and teachers too

me and my "mini-me"

i wish i was small enough to...

crawl under a rock. because maybe then nobody would notice me. nobody would buy me things. nobody would be mad when i didn't appreciate the fact that they spent money on me. money that we need for BILLS and GROCERIES and PRESCRIPTIONS. if i was small enough to crawl under a rock then maybe people would forget about me. maybe people would forget what i look like. maybe they would forget how fat i am or how thin i am or how ugly i am or how pretty i am or how bad my teeth are or how big my eyes are or how short i am or how frizzy my hair is or how big my hips are. maybe then they'd forget that i'm a graphic artist that never finished art school and still owes $40,000 in student loans. maybe they'd forget that i owe about $20,000 in medical bills from having a perf'd ulcer. maybe if i could crawl under a rock people would forget that my house is a mess and that my car is a mess and that my insurance is overdue and probably even canceled. maybe... maybe if i was small enough to crawl under a rock... people would forget to ask me if i've eaten today. and maybe i would forget to eat today. and tomorrow. and the next day. and maybe then i could fit underneath an even smaller rock. and eventually... maybe i could fit underneath a grain of sand. until it blows away... and takes me with it...

they're gone.

katie just took jazzie and miley to the pound. we tried and tried to keep them hydrated at home but it just wasn't working. the vet said there wasn't anything much we could do at this point since they'd already had their shots. it was really just a matter of keeping them hydrated and waiting it out to see what was going to take over ~ the shot or the parvo. i'm guessing the parvo won. i couldn't stand to watch them suffering any more and neither could katie. she tried giving them pedialyte and water and they kept immediately going into a corner and vomiting it all up. i feel so awful. i'm such a bad puppy mommy

**sigh** i just can't deal with this right now

so basically, my puppies are dying. all of them. well, all except for bitty. (thank god not bitty!!!) this is stressing me out so much and i honestly just can't handle it.

and my tooth is broken. and it's gonna cost $150 to fix it but there's no guarantee that this "fix" is going to even get me out of the parking lot. the insurance won't pay a penny on it because i just had this damn tooth filled last year! and if i don't fix it? it'll get worse. and worse. and worse. great.

and me and katie are fighting. again. or should i say "still."? idk... i'm just so sick of all of this.

i'm so stressed out that my pouch isn't tolerating food very well right now. heck, even liquids are making me nauseated right now. so i guess i'm just going to drink my protein shakes and my fiber concoctions for awhile now and hope for the best! (and hopefully i don't lose any more weight by doing this... or maybe i will. maybe i'll just be karen carpenter. fuck it. it doesn't matter.)

when it rains it friggin' pours...

oh jeez, now what? could anything else possibly go wrong in my life right now? please??? come on higher power, whoever you may be... BRING IT ON!!!! i am positively sick to death of "this" and "that" and "the other thing" going wrong ALL AT ONCE!! i mean heck, if you're gonna peck away at me WHY NOT JUST KILL ME NOW??? go on, strike me with lightening or attack me with locusts or WHATEVER. just DO IT fer cryin' out loud and quit fartin' around already!!

**sigh** ok so that was probably a tad bit melodramatic, eh? sorry. i'm just in a "throw your hands in the air and give up" mode right now. it seems like no matter how well i handle the "little" things there are always MORE "little" things waiting to pop up and become BIG things. remember my thread yesterday about my sweet chelsey baby-girl? well, i'm not entirely positive that it's over. my other two little girls are acting really mopey now too. they aren't eating, they aren't playing and they just basically look really sad right now. here's pics of them when it snowed in march. aren't they so pretty? my sweet baby girls...





thankfully bitty's still playful and still eating. idk what i'd do if we lost him too. he's my walking buddy! my itty bitty baby boy!! omgs, i don't think i could stand to see him suffering like that! here's a pic of bitty with my poor chelsey-girl in the background:



and then? i got to work this morning and i have obviously been grinding my teeth in my sleep again because i have a big chip missing out of one of my front teeth effing sucks yo! i just had nearly $1,000 in dental work done last year (mostly just fillings, lols. my teeth have ALWAYS been bad.) and now this?? not only that, it's one of the teeth that they worked on last year. and guess what? the FILLINGS are still in place but the TOOTH is just crumbling away!!!






and what else happened this morning? oh! of COURSE! me and katie got into an argument. again. because she was acting like a child. again. **sigh** idk how much more i can take. does anybody have any xanax they don't want? 'cause i sure could use a BOTTLE right about now!!!

rip chelsey-girl, momma loves you!

one of my dogs died this weekend. actually, she was still a puppy. she was less than 6 months old and contracted parvo. for those of you who do not know anything about parvo, it is a NASTY virus that KILLS dogs. (usually puppies but dogs too.) if you have a dog i beg you, PLEASE go get them vaccinated. if you love your animals or even if you just "tolerate" them PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO GET THEM VACCINATED!!! it really doesn't cost that much money if you get the medicine and needles from the co-op or something. this is a really simple and inexpensive thing to do and could possibly save your dogs LIFE!

rip sweet chelsey. momma loves you baby girl!!

you know...

you guys can leave comments on these blogs if you want to. i mean that's kinda why i posted the feed link in the first place... it's ok. i promise.

spent yesterday evening in the er

for two weeks+ i've had thin, stringy-looking ribbon-like stools that are very soft & lots of loud abdominal noises.

then yesterday afternoon i had a sudden intense abdominal cramp or spasm followed by wave-like pains of less intensity below and to the right of my navel & IN my navel as well as nausea and pain when i press on my abdomen.

i went to the er after work. the bloodwork, urinalysis and my electrolytes were all a-ok. x-ray showed a "definite slow-down" in my gut in that area but the cat scan was a-ok so it was diagnosed as being "inflamation" and i was sent on my merry way with a single dose of and a script for bentyl which is an anti-spasmodic. just so's you know...