can your eye explode from a migraine?

this is what i think of every time my migraine is pounding in my right eye (like it is right now...):

so whatsa girl to do????

i'm really confused and i need SOMEONE ELSE to make the next few life altering decisions in my life FOR me (please?)

as we all know by now, i have a job until november 12th. then i will receive a lump sum check totaling 10 weeks of pay and i will have insurance coverage through the end of november. after that i can pay out of my own pocket for COBRA (which is MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE!) or just... be uninsured. (<-- yeah right! like THAT'LL ever happen!!) oh and i'll also be eligible for unemployment (my employer will not fight it, that's part of my severance package.)

so i'm really not quite sure what to do with myself right now. i KNOW that i'm about to be unemployed. that's a fact. i also know that i *could* apply to get my job back but i'd have to move to tuscaloosa to do it. this is a problem for a number of reasons:

1) i JUST moved!! i'm locked in a 12 month lease.

2) i can't AFFORD to move AGAIN!!

3) i don't even KNOW anyone in tuscaloosa and my family would be too far away to help if something were to happen to either me or kensie.

so that's pretty much out of the question :~/

OR, i could stay here and get the unemployment and *hope* that they won't force me to take a job, ANY job, whether i'm qualified or not (mcdonald's anyone? NO THANKS!) and also hope that i can somehow AFFORD to pay for COBRA until i get a job that will pick up the slack. and... of course, hope that a job that meets my needs and skill level will come available for me SOON (but not before the first of the year... i'd like to have the holidays off for a change, lol!!)

OR, i could move to pensacola and hope that i can find something suitable down there soon (i have family in pensacola.) OR, i'd LIKE to move to nashville or atlanta (if i moved to atlanta i could FINALLY finish my degree!!) except that i don't have any family in either place. i DO however have friends in nashville and one of them has offered me a position in the office where he's the manager (like an apartment complex or something like that i think, real estate... not really sure.) but again, no family close by and nowhere to live and no money to move on.

so... whatsa girl to do???

an update on "whatever your "thing" is, please do it today..."

so here's the deal. i just got called back for my meeting and yuppers, i got the axe. but it's cool, it's all good. (that's what i'm telling myself right now anyway.)

i have a job for the next 45 days and then i have to turn in my id badge and never look back. i will have insurance through the end of november, a 10 week severance package and then unemployment and cobra insurance.

whatever your "thing" is, please do it today...

we're being called into meetings individually later on today to be told about the upcoming changes in our department. so, whatever your "thing" is, if you pray, if you swing chickens, if you burn incense... whatever you do to wrap someone in positive energy, please do it for me today especially. i have no clue at this point what is about to happen. and i honestly don't know what i *want* to have happen. either way i look at it is going to mean a huge change and that makes me nervous. so instead of asking for anything specific i'm just asking that whatever happens be the thing that is in the best interest for me and my daughter.

thank you.

my eyes are burning

and my entire head is tender to the touch. i feel like my eyes are popping out like a lizards or something and they hurt so much. they're dry and burning and swollen and tender. idk what the dealio is, why i can't seem to shake this migraine, but i just want it gone. i got the call yesterday that my mri and mra have been approved through the insurance so we went ahead and scheduled them for this coming wednesday. idk how long it takes to get that info back but hopefully not too long. i also have a follow-up appointment scheduled with my neurologist on the 30th which is the day BEFORE my tests. i'm thinking i might should call him and reschedule that and see if he wants to see me AFTER the tests instead. (idk...)

god i just want this pain to fucking go away!!!!

gotta loves the migraines

i gots broken blood vessels in my eyelids from the constant pressure and i'm still waiting to hear from my neurologist's office about having an mri w-w/o contrast and an mra. in the meantime he's calling in something "stronger" for me to hopefully get rid of this lingering pain.

i've done a bit of research and it appears that i'm having what marcy has which is "status migrainous" which is very similar to cluster headaches (but not quite the same thing i don't think.) i'm seriously wondering though if the increase in migraine activity isn't somehow related to my wls. maybe a vitamin or nutrient deficiency? lack of fatty tissue? idk...

monday's musings...

lols, didja catch the double meaning in my header? lols!!! "monday's musings"? because... today is monday... and my nickname... is monday... and it's musings on monday BY monday... haha. :~/

anywho, i'm not really sure what i want to talk about right now. maybe i'll just ramble a bit and get some stuff out there and see wth's on my mind. right. okay. so here goes:

i had to work this weekend. hbg and all that jazz. supposedly this is our very last hbg though and it's going to tuscaloosa next month. yeah right. whatever. i should've worked friday night and/or saturday/night so that i could've gotten some o/t on this coming check but nOoOoOoOooo! i was stupid and lazy and waited until yesterday afternoon to come in. and i didn't even realize it until yesterday but i won't get any o/t because i'm going to have to comp that time because i'm going to be off work on thursday (or at least most of the day thursday) because it's kensie's birthday and i want to make sure that it's as special for her as possible. btw, here's the ad i'm running in the paper for her thursday:



i run an ad for her every year so that she can be a celebrity for a day, lols!!!! here's the ad i ran for her last year:



standard disclaimer: if they're cut off then just double click them and they'll open full size in my photobucket account.

so anyway, instead of working friday night i went to movie gallery and spent the $5 gift card that my job gave me for my birthday (woohoo.) i also added about $5 of my own money so that i could get three movies for $10 + tax. i went home and was texting ashley and watching borat (stupid movie btw) and then suddenly i was just completely exhausted and had to crash out. (wtf??!?)

then saturday i was waiting to hear back from my brother so i didn't go in all day because he didn't text me until late in the afternoon. then i had to drive all the way out to moulton to his dad's farm to give him some money. he showed me around because i've never been there before. the house is sort of rinky dink but wouldn't be too terribly bad if it was like, just me or whatever. certainly not big enough for me AND kensie though. but there's lots of land and we could have more animals there. they already have several goats and horses and there's a ton of open space where we could build soft release cages for some coonie-babies or more squirrels or rabbits or maybe even some baby deer!

we aren't going to be moving there but it's a thought if we ever come into some money and could possibly add on to the house. i'm sure that i could sweet talk my ex-stepdad into renting the property to us and making a few improvements like that *IF* i had a job that wasn't about to go kaput and *IF* i was more financially stable than i am right now. but it's about 45 minutes from florence and about 30 minutes from decatur so there would definitely be a good commute no matter where i worked. (it's also roughly an hour from cullman which is another place i could work.)

so yeah, i waited until yesterday afternoon to come in to work. my grandparents ended up bringing kensie home at around 8-ish and i had her sit up here with me for about an hour so that i could finish a couple more ads. then i took her to the ymca early this morning and came in to work at 7am so that i could wrap the ads up. i still had two on my desk when the workday actually *started* but i couldn't do anything with them anyway because they just didn't make sense. so lin put a note on them and had me put them in the sales reps bin so that she could explain them to me. they don't look like they'll take that long to put together once i have a layout for them both but as of right now they just don't make a damn bit of sense.

okay, so what else would i like to talk about today? erm, my finances are shit. my brakes (front and back) and rotors are shot. i need new tires before the first freeze because my driveway is an extremely steep hill and i don't have any traction on my tires as of right now. my debit card will no longer allow me to overdraft unless i use it as a credit card which means that i can't go to wal-mart and withdraw $100 over my purchase amount to live off of until i get paid again which means that i'm royally screwed until katie finally takes care of her half of our overdue bills.

speaking of katie, supposedly she's going to be moving back to new mexico. supposedly she's going to be doing this sometime around christmas or new years. and supposedly she's going to wait until AFTER she's paid me everything that she owes me. supposedly.

i'm not really sure how i feel about all that. i mean, yeah, she's a royal pain in my ass 99% of the time and yeah, it would be much better *for her* if she moved back to new mexico. and yeah, i'd like to be able to actually MEET people instead of being tied down to just one person right now. but at the same time, i DON'T want to meet anyone. at all. i just want to work and come home and cook supper and help kensie with her homework, make her take a bath and get ready for bed, pop a movie in and then go to bed after awhile. and then, get up the next day and do it all over again.

in case you haven't noticed, i really don't like people. *MOST* people that is. i have social anxiety disorder and sometimes it's under control, sometimes... not so much. my mom's trying to hook me up with some "nice guy" that she met in a karaoke bar. lols, she actually asked me a couple of weeks ago "would you like to meet a nice guy?" i was all like "umm... noooo." then she started telling me about him and i just sort of blew her off.

then on the way home i started thinking about it and i got really confused! because yeah, i'm trained in both equipment. but... since i've been with katie i've come to realize that... i really don't like the "other" equipment! BUT, also since i've been with katie i've come to realize that women are fucking insane!!! so there's my dilemma. i like "being with" women, being intimate with women, FUCKING women. but... i prefer the relationship that comes with being with a man. i like being taken care of. i don't want to have to be the *strong* one. i don't want to have to "talk about my feelings" or any of that crap! sometimes i just want my *partner* or whatever to just go the fuck away! kwim? like, go watch some football or something. let me go to the mall or wal-mart or whatever and don't be all up my ass all the damn time! good god man, let me friggin' BREATHE for a minute will ya???

so now i'm so confused. if i'm being totally honest with myself then i can see that i have a LOT of work to do on MYSELF before i venture into another "relationship". but that doesn't mean that i can't meet people and have fuck buddies or whatever, right? and FRIENDS!!! lordy mercy lets not forget about that! but then, where do i go to meet these people? and how do i explain to them that i don't want them to move in after the 2nd date??? take me out to dinner, take me to hear some live music, pamper me, woo me, make me writhe in ecstasy and then? go away. you don't have to call me after a certain number of days... in fact, don't call me at all. just... go away. and let the next one in line have a chance. only, there IS no line. there *should* be (i mean come on, have you SEEN me?? ;~P) but there just isn't.

i think i give off a vibe or something. a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe. and i think i've pretty much ALWAYS given off this vibe. lols, i actually contacted sam, my "first" (male), through myspace about a month ago. he's married now and living a fabulous life in the military (he actually went to boot camp the weekend after he and i "did it", lols!!!) i wrote him this huge long email, congratulating him on being married and having found that special person, told him that i'm still looking but not for him, haha, because i'm a lesbian anyway but that i just wondered, and be totally honest with me please, back in the day... was he even attracted to me at all? or did i give off a vibe even then? like... did he *only* have sex with me because i was available at that exact moment in time, or was there actually a physical attraction at some point? he read the email about two weeks ago but hasn't responded. lols, i think he probably doesn't even know who i am and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, lmfao!!! (he was a bit of a player back in the day... and omgs, so friggin' CUTE!!! in a johnny depp sorta way, kwim?)

and then... of course... there's ashley and vann. god i love them both to pieces!!! long complicated story that goes along with this one but basically, a long time ago, vann and i had a one night stand. then a few years later he contacted a mutual friend of ours and asked if he knew how to get in touch with me because he and his new wife wanted to have a 3-some with me. so we did, and i fell in love, hardcore!!! and it got complicated even though i kept my feelings to myself (for the most part) and i was eventually banished from their lives. i was devastated. seriously, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces and it was a very very LONG time before i allowed anyone into my life in that capacity again. and even then, even now, i'm suspicious of people who want to fill that void in my life.

well, ashley and i began talking a while back and vannie and i made up (clean slate he said! like an etcha-sketch where you scribble all over it and then shake the shit out of it and clear the screen :~) and i was supposed to come stay with them after she had her third baby because of vann's work schedule and she has two other kids and was having a c-section and just pretty much needed help around the house. well, just before she had sadie, i met katie. and katie was so jealous and possessive that i pretty much was forced to push ashley and vann out of my life (i'm so sorry you guys!!! y'all didn't deserve that and i will apologize to you every day for the rest of my life for that!!!)

but then ashley texted me the night before my birthday this year and we've texted back and forth a few days since then and *hopefully* i'll get to visit them soon. i haven't seen either of them in, gawd, 6 years or so? well, at least 5 because i've been living in the shoals for 5 years now. and i'm so nervous!!! i want to hop in my car RIGHT NOW and drive down there but at the same time, i kinda want to put it off indefinitely. i'm so scared of what they'll think of me now. because of the katie situation and because of how i look now. i mean, they never saw me at my heaviest (thank god!!!) but they've never seen me small either. i suppose i was around 185-ish when we "hooked up" and around 135-ish when vannie and i had our one night stand before that. nobody's seen me at 100 pounds before. in fact, i can't remember ever being 100 pounds before. even in high school i was always around 115-ish.

so i'm nervous. i'm a skeleton, i have skin hanging off my ass like melted candle wax, my inner thighs, good god, they look like a ginormous twat or something! my "boobs"??? HAH!!! my chest looks like that of a scrawny 12-year old boy! you can see my ribs, my spine pokes out, i'm LITERALLY skin-and-bones now! (well, and muscle too but that's just because i don't have any fat left.)

i just, idk... i'm just so insecure. always have been. i wish i had what they have. i wouldn't ever do anything to break apart what they have so don't misunderstand what i'm saying. i just wish that i could find that happiness, that commitment, that LOVE... for myself. i wish that i could have two more babies. i wish that i could be a stay at home mom. i wish that i had someone to love me and take care of me and to "do" for me, kwim?

owells. maybe one day my prince/princess will come. and maybe all the kings horses and all the kings men can somehow put this humpty dumpty back together again in time to actually recognize and appreciate it when it happens.

it feels so good to purge

...toxic relationships and prying eyes from my life. i only wish that i could somehow make THIS blog selectively private but idk how to do that. (wish i could block all the "anonymous" people from viewing it.)

*sigh* okay, so what that's all about is the fact that i went and made my oh.com profile private and also deleted about 8 pages worth of "friends" (<--mostly people i don't even know or backstabbing bitches.) so that left me with about 16 "friends" which is quite alright with me. hell, that's WAAAYY more than i have in real life! and of those people, i really only talk to about 2-3 of them on a semi-regular basis.

so, wanna know what finally happened last night? well, my mom kept telling me to take a cab so i finally hung up on her and called my grandmother. we talked for about 15-20 minutes (well really, i cried for about 15-20 minutes and she tried to figure something out.) so she and i decided that when i got off of work i'd go pick kensie up from the ymca and we'd go home and wait for them to show up and take us to the emergency room.

meantime, my mom (aka: nosy bitch that likes to start shit!) goes around calling everybody she can possibly get in contact with at my job and tells them EVERYTHING!!!! AND, she called the ymca about 10 different times and told them everything as well ANDDDD... she fucking called the police!!! stupid dumbass bitch!!!

so now today i'm having to deal with people staring at me and asking me if i'm okay and shit!!! god i hate that bitch!!!!

well, i got to the ymca and there was a crowd of about 5 people standing in the hallway blocking the sign-out sheet and asking me if i'm okay and if i need to sit down and if they can do anything for me. WTF YO??? no dude, i most certainly am NOT okay! and no!!! you can't do anything for me!!! just fucking get out of my way so i can get my kid and go home!!!!

so they went to get kensie for me and followed me out to my car and were undoing my seatbelt and turning my ignition off and trying to take my keys away from me! FUCK MAN!!!! i'm not drunk or anything i just have a goddamn migraine!!! AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT ANY EASIER FOR ME EITHER!!!! just leave me alone and let me go home!!!

finally they let me go but they insisted on having someone follow me home (RETARDS!!!) so then my grandparents got to my house and took me and kensie to the er at about 7pm. and we sat there until fucking midnight before i could get a shot because the waiting room was PACKED!

well, the shot didn't do shit for me. i was able to get some sleep but when i woke up i still had the migraine and i took a zomig thinking it might help (and because i am supposed to take it every morning right now any way because i'm expecting flo any day now.) so i texted katie and explained to her that i had a migraine last night and that my grandparents drove all this way to take me to the er so that i wouldn't have to disturb her last night but that the shot didn't work and i still had a migraine and would she mind going to med plus with me first thing this morning so i could get another shot.

at first she agreed but then she started calling me an addict and telling me that nobody has this many migraines and blah blah blah. so i told her to do some research because yes, it IS possible to have this many migraines. it's a DISEASE, not a choice or an addiction! YES, i got hooked on pain PILLS but that's because i have MIGRAINES and don't always have a DRIVER so i can get a SHOT to get rid of it right away!!! so she starts arguing with me first thing in the morning and all the while my head is throbbing and i'm trying to get kensie ready for picture day so i finally just told her to nevermind and that i'd just take a pill instead because i wouldn't want to put her out but to please educate herself in case the next person she's with also suffers from migraine disease.

so then she goes off on me AGAIN and starts calling me ungrateful (for what? because i don't appreciate her arguing with me all the damn time when all i need is for her to walk into med plus and "claim" to be my driver???) and tells me to just lose her number. WTF!!! and she goes on and on and on and ON!!!! and the whole time i was just sitting there blow drying kensie's hair and had no clue that my phone kept going off and she was getting more and more pissed off when i didn't respond to her.

anyway, that's my day. fucking sucks. my head is exploding (STILL!!!), i'm waiting for a call back from my neurologist, my mom is a nosy-ass damn pot stirring bitch and basically, the rest of my life is falling apart.

got the zomig

took it two hours ago. no relief. tried calling my mom to see if she would take me to the er in decatur for a shot if i drove over there after work and just let me and kensie spend the night at my grandparent's house tonight. she said that i don't need to drive that far with a migraine (1 hour) and to just call a cab to take me to the er here for a shot. but i can't do that!!! do you know how much money a cab would cost??? they'd have to sit at the hospital and wait with me until they gave me the shot and it usually takes 3 hours to be seen around here! so i'd have to pay them for three hours of their time because the hospital won't give me a shot unless i have someone htere waiting with me!

migraines suck ass and steal your soul

just got hit with one forreals. but i'm not taking the phrenalin. i have two left but i refuse to take them. hopefully my insurance will let me fill my zomig today and hopefully that'll work. (cross your fingers and your toes for me please.)

day 3 and counting

i'm struggling, and even having legitimate pain from overdoing it with my house the last two days (lifting heavy boxes over my head and stacking them in the tops of the closets, even though i'm not supposed to lift, push or pull anything 10 pounds or more right now due to this hernia) but i haven't taken anything stronger than children's tylenol, and only four of those at a time. (the bottle says to take four for 96-ish pounds and i currently weigh 100 pounds.)

but, i'm clean. day 3 and counting...

**sigh**

nutty died yesterday morning sometime between his 2:30am feeding and his 6:30am feeding. we had taken him to see violet the day before and she said that he had grown out of the shoe box we were keeping him in and to go ahead and put him in his cage. unfortunately though, i didn’t have enough lamps on him and i think he got too cold :, ~( it was very heartbreaking because we had spent so much time rehabilitating him and worked so hard to bring him back around and he was doing so well...

but she said that with the hurricanes and strong storms and winds going on right now that the hotline will be getting lots of calls in the coming days/weeks and that she’ll work on getting us at least a pair so they can help to keep each other warm and i’m going to get some more lamps before she brings us any more to rehab too and possibly a heating pad as well.

i swear to fucking god man!!!

i hope they DO outsource our jobs and i can sit at home and collect unemployment and take care of nutty. FUCK YO!!! i've been bringing him to work with me every day this week and have had the FULL SUPPORT of my direct supervisor and lots of other people that i work with. he's just an infant and he sleeps in a shoebox on my desk and doesn't make any noise or even move around until i go to feed him and make him pee and poop (which is about twice a day.)

well, all of a sudden just now my direct supervisor sent me an im saying that he needed to talk to me about the baby squirrel. apparently somebody got their panties all in a twist about me having a squirrel up here and went and tattled and so now i have to keep him at home and split my lunch breaks up throughout the day so i can go home and feed him and warm up his "sock momma".

wth man!!! people bring their dogs up here all the damn time! shit, the old advertising director used to keep hers up here in her office in a box and would walk them around the building and let them pee and poop all over the fucking floor!

i swear to god man, i hope i NEVER find out who it was because i'll dot their fucking eye!!! (are you reading this?? whoever tha fuck you are my good "frenemy", I'LL DOT YOUR FUCKING EYE YOU RANK NASTY ASS DAMN TWATWAFFLE!!! i may be little but i'll straight whoop your ass on this one! don't FUCK with me, ya hear??? you reap what you sow and by god you done sowed a BIG'UN this time ya stoopid mofo!!!)

if you have something to say to me

then just say it goddamn it! don't fucking go behind my back and run your trap! there's nothing i hate more in this world than lying, backstabbing bitches!!! (well, except maybe cheaters, child molesters/abusers and animal abusers... oh, and taxes. yeah, definitely HATE taxes too.)

and for only $20/year...

YOU can be an animal rehabber TOO!!!

lols, the wildlife place FINALLY called me back just now and talked to me about "nutten honey" and while i was explaining what i had been doing with him she interrupted me and asked if i'd be interested in becoming an animal rehabber myself. WOAH!!! seriously??? i told her that yes, i'd be interested but that i was concerned about the cost involved. she said that it wasn't much and so i said that yeah, sure i'd be interested because my daughter actually wanted to continue caring for this animal. she explained that of course, when he's well and old enough we'll have to release him back into the wild but that someone would be calling me shortly to get my info and to help me to get started :~)

it's $20 per year for the membership dues and they make sure that i get all the formula, etc that i would need and they would take care of the licenses, etc and that generally speaking, vets won't treat injured wild animals because it's illegal to do so but that if they know you're a licensed rehabber they'll usually do it on the sly for free because they know how much we care about animals!

i explained to her how kensie wanted to either be an animal rescue person when she grew up or a veterinarian and that she was VERY interested in taking care of this animal and she was very pleased with that. so NOW kensie can get some valuable "hands on" experience that she otherwise wouldn't have had access too. and all because a mean old owl tried to snag this little bugger for a snack yesterday!

so anyway, i've got to go "stimulate" him (HAHA!!!) so he pees and poops because he hasn't gone yet at all but she was very happy about everything that i told her and said that i had been doing EVERYTHING correctly :~D

it's tough to be a squirrel momma!

**sigh** so yesterday afternoon (evening really) me and kensie were outside working on a project for her school and we kept hearing this tiny little squawking sound. kensie kept asking me what it was and i just shrugged my shoulders and said that it was probably baby birds waiting for their momma to come back to the nest or something. well, about that time she saw something on the ground out of the corner of her eye. she turned around and started walking towards it and realized that it was a baby squirrel!!! she picked him up because he was crying and scared and his nose was bloody. we have an owl in our neighborhood so i think it probably tried to raid the nest for a nice little snack and maybe the momma and daddy squirrel got there just in time to scare it away and it dropped it's prey on the ground. (there was an awful chattering going on up in the tree for the longest time!)

we picked it up and wrapped it in a towel and took it to the nearest pet store. they didn't want to help because it's a wild animal and they aren't allowed to offer advice or anything about wild animals and also because they were closing in 15 minutes (mostly i think because they were closing!) anywho, they gave me the number for the alabama wildlife refuge which just so happens to be located in decatur which is where we're from. i called that number and nobody answered so they gave me the number for the 24 hour emergency vet and when i called THAT number... nobody answered!

so i called my mom and explained everything to her and asked her to look up some stuff about squirrels on the internet so we could help this poor wittle feller get through the night until this morning when we could contact the wildlife refuge again. so basically, i had to stay up all night long and feed this little bugger about 1cc of pedialyte every 45 minutes and had to keep him wrapped up in an old sheet and held up close to me so he could stay warm (a squirrel's body temp is 99 which is close to a humans.)

needless to say, i'm POOPED! my eyes hurt and i have a FORREALS migraine coming on (no foolin' guys, sleep deprivation does this to me, i shoulda known better!) but it was worth it. this morning this little bugger is still alive and well. so i brought him to work with me in a fanny pack with the sheet stuffed in it to keep him cozy and warm and so that i can give him his pedialyte as needed to keep him hydrated. first thing when i got to work i called the wildlife refuge and they gave me a number for a local rehabber but when i called that number it forwarded me to someone's core wireless cell phone number. i left a message but they haven't called back yet so idk...

anywho, here's some pics to keep y'all entertained ;~P (oh and idk what i weigh today. i was too busy with "nutten honey", or "nutty" for short, that i didn't get around to weighing this morning.)

this morning, despite eating stew and yeast rolls for a late supper

last night, and then this morning...

last night and all day yesterday i was very very sick to my stomach. i ended up waking up at around 11pm to use the bathroom (AGAIN!!!) and just for "shits-n-giggles" decided to weigh myself just to see what had happened and this is what i got:



(the body fat% at that time was 11% as compared to the 13% i got when i was 103-ish.)

then this morning at 6am i had to get up and get ready to get kensie ready for a birthday party. so, after i got sick again... i decided to weigh myself before taking a bath and this is what i got:



(and the body fat% at that time was 9%... just 7 hours later...)

my tummy's been acting up again all day today so i haven't really eaten all that much (it seems the more i eat the sicker i get...) so i'm really curious to see what it's going to say in the morning. 100-even? or *gasp!* somewhere in the 90's??? jeez-louise, what's happening to me??? i'm, literally, wasting away.

oh lord, what have i done???

i ordered some bbq from my hr person's church and it was delivered just now. i haven't eaten in ages so i figured i'd heat up some of it and eat it. BIG MISTAKE!!!! i've had about 6 bites of this bbq chicken and it's greasy greasy GREASY and my gut feels like it's going to EXPLODE!!! damnit, and i knew better too! argh!!!!

i'm living off of

my fiber drinks (which thankfully contain the majority of my vitamin supplements), diet sodas and chips. this can't be healthy. it just can't be. and the scale proves it! going down, down, down the rabbit hole... where it'll take me ~ nobody knows.

and going down more and more every day...

one update thread and then i'm going into lurkdom ~ so please don't worry when you don't *see* me on oh.com

and i won't be responding to the posts in this thread either, just so's you know. it's too hard right now. i'm here though. i'm reading. and i love every last one of y'all.

i came into work today filled with complete and utter dread. i dread the daylight, i dread the nighttime, i dread the people, i dread the work... i dread LIVING LIFE right now. it's very hard to "be me" but i'm trying. honestly, i'm trying. idk how on earth i'm not dehydrated from all the tears i've shed. it seems that i cry almost constantly nowadays and most of the time i don't even know WHY. (there's just so many reasons, kwim?)

i posted a thread yesterday that i'm sure scared the living sh!t out of most of y'all and i sincerely apologize. but it was the truth. it's *MY* truth. for now anyway. i come here and i bare my soul to you because i love you and i don't want for you to go through what i'm going through. i'm not quite sure how to prevent that but i'm hoping that by sharing my story and my experiences that maybe, just maybe, i can help at least one person. (it's worked in the past so maybe it'll work this time too...)

anyway, here's the deal. i read everyone's responses to my previous threads and i appreciate the compassion and the love that y'all have shown me. (even, and maybe especially, the "tough love" ) i appreciate the resources that y'all have sought out on my behalf and i WILL be contacting these agencies. i WILL!

but for now, this is the plan: right now, today, in this moment, i'm trying to resist taking anything. i HAVE to take SOMETHING though because if i don't, i'll have a seizure. (i've had grand mal's in the past from medication withdrawals so this has to be handled very delicately.) yesterday morning i took 4 before i even got to work. so today, i cut that back to 2. (i know, i know. some of y'all think i'm "oversharing" or whatever but really, if we don't talk about this then it'll happen to somebody else ~ maybe even to YOU!)

this medication is supposed to be taken every 4 hours. so my plan is to wait it out FIVE hours before taking any more. (or AT LEAST four...) i took 14 yesterday i *think* (who the he!! knows anymore???) and i plan on only taking 6 today. (like i said, i HAVE to take them. i HAVE to ween down because i'll have a seizure if i just quit cold turkey.)

i'm going to try to stick with just 6 today and 4-6 tomorrow and go down from there. i will be staying with renee this weekend and she will have complete control over my medication and will administer them to me on a schedule and will help me to ween down even further so that by monday i can hopefully be clean, or at least a lot closer to being clean than i am right now.
and from there? idk. i'm going to talk to renee some more and see what she can help me to come up with so that i don't relapse or anything. i need help. i need support. i need guidance. but most of all... i need friends. i need people in my life that truly care about me and that truly want to help me. i don't like being like this. i've always been a very strong individual and being addicted ~ to ANYTHING!... being dependant on that crutch is just sucking my soul out. it hurts. it really does.

but y'all know me. y'all know that i am a survivor and that i WILL get through this! somehow, someway... things will work out in my favor and I WILL BEAT THIS!!! i beat the laxative addiction and i'll beat this one too. i have a reputation to live up to for y'all and i can't do that if i'm an addict. i can't help anyone else if i can't even help myself. **sigh** so... maybe this isn't so bad afterall. right? maybe this will turn out to be a learning experience and another way that i can help others in the future. that's how i choose to look at it anyway.

so, this isn't goodbye. i'm just going to try to be on "pause" for a little while. but i'm still here. and as i said above, i'm still reading. and i love all of y'all. thank you so very much for everything that y'all have done for me, today... yesterday... last week... last month... last year... forever. it really means so much to me and i hope that y'all can understand and appreciate where i'm coming from.

transfer addictions ~ how do i save myself before i o.d.??? please help me...

**sigh** ok, idk if you guys remember or not but earlier this year i had problems with laxatives (dulcolax, specifically) and in the fall of last year (and the summer and spring too i think) i had an addiction to chocolate ex-lax, although i didn't dare admit to that one. well now it seems that i'm addicted to pain pills, nausea suppositories, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills and pain/nausea shots for migraines. (<--some of the migraines are for real, some are not.)

for example: sunday i took (at least) 18 phrenalins which is butilbital + tylenol. and for no reason too except that i hurt ~ inside ~ a LOT! my job is potentially going down the toilet, my girlfriend just left me, i just moved and have a hernia from doing it all by myself, my finances are all gone to sh!t and idk what to do with myself anymore since i can't eat my feelings and since i don't KNOW anyone. seriously, i have NO friends irl. NONE! and yesterday i only (*ONLY!*) took 6 of these but today i've already taken 10 (and it's still early yet...)

i WANT to be okay, i WANT to be healthy ~ and i know what you're going to say "get thee to a therapist... PRONTO!!!" but i can't. my insurance doesn't cover any mental health stuff and i can't afford it on my own and i (currently) make too much money to get on a sliding fee scale.

so... what to do??? please help me. i can't die. i just can't. my daughter would go to my ex who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER CORRECT NAME!!!! and that would be the worst thing in the world