one update thread and then i'm going into lurkdom ~ so please don't worry when you don't *see* me on oh.com

and i won't be responding to the posts in this thread either, just so's you know. it's too hard right now. i'm here though. i'm reading. and i love every last one of y'all.

i came into work today filled with complete and utter dread. i dread the daylight, i dread the nighttime, i dread the people, i dread the work... i dread LIVING LIFE right now. it's very hard to "be me" but i'm trying. honestly, i'm trying. idk how on earth i'm not dehydrated from all the tears i've shed. it seems that i cry almost constantly nowadays and most of the time i don't even know WHY. (there's just so many reasons, kwim?)

i posted a thread yesterday that i'm sure scared the living sh!t out of most of y'all and i sincerely apologize. but it was the truth. it's *MY* truth. for now anyway. i come here and i bare my soul to you because i love you and i don't want for you to go through what i'm going through. i'm not quite sure how to prevent that but i'm hoping that by sharing my story and my experiences that maybe, just maybe, i can help at least one person. (it's worked in the past so maybe it'll work this time too...)

anyway, here's the deal. i read everyone's responses to my previous threads and i appreciate the compassion and the love that y'all have shown me. (even, and maybe especially, the "tough love" ) i appreciate the resources that y'all have sought out on my behalf and i WILL be contacting these agencies. i WILL!

but for now, this is the plan: right now, today, in this moment, i'm trying to resist taking anything. i HAVE to take SOMETHING though because if i don't, i'll have a seizure. (i've had grand mal's in the past from medication withdrawals so this has to be handled very delicately.) yesterday morning i took 4 before i even got to work. so today, i cut that back to 2. (i know, i know. some of y'all think i'm "oversharing" or whatever but really, if we don't talk about this then it'll happen to somebody else ~ maybe even to YOU!)

this medication is supposed to be taken every 4 hours. so my plan is to wait it out FIVE hours before taking any more. (or AT LEAST four...) i took 14 yesterday i *think* (who the he!! knows anymore???) and i plan on only taking 6 today. (like i said, i HAVE to take them. i HAVE to ween down because i'll have a seizure if i just quit cold turkey.)

i'm going to try to stick with just 6 today and 4-6 tomorrow and go down from there. i will be staying with renee this weekend and she will have complete control over my medication and will administer them to me on a schedule and will help me to ween down even further so that by monday i can hopefully be clean, or at least a lot closer to being clean than i am right now.
and from there? idk. i'm going to talk to renee some more and see what she can help me to come up with so that i don't relapse or anything. i need help. i need support. i need guidance. but most of all... i need friends. i need people in my life that truly care about me and that truly want to help me. i don't like being like this. i've always been a very strong individual and being addicted ~ to ANYTHING!... being dependant on that crutch is just sucking my soul out. it hurts. it really does.

but y'all know me. y'all know that i am a survivor and that i WILL get through this! somehow, someway... things will work out in my favor and I WILL BEAT THIS!!! i beat the laxative addiction and i'll beat this one too. i have a reputation to live up to for y'all and i can't do that if i'm an addict. i can't help anyone else if i can't even help myself. **sigh** so... maybe this isn't so bad afterall. right? maybe this will turn out to be a learning experience and another way that i can help others in the future. that's how i choose to look at it anyway.

so, this isn't goodbye. i'm just going to try to be on "pause" for a little while. but i'm still here. and as i said above, i'm still reading. and i love all of y'all. thank you so very much for everything that y'all have done for me, today... yesterday... last week... last month... last year... forever. it really means so much to me and i hope that y'all can understand and appreciate where i'm coming from.