monday's musings...

lols, didja catch the double meaning in my header? lols!!! "monday's musings"? because... today is monday... and my nickname... is monday... and it's musings on monday BY monday... haha. :~/

anywho, i'm not really sure what i want to talk about right now. maybe i'll just ramble a bit and get some stuff out there and see wth's on my mind. right. okay. so here goes:

i had to work this weekend. hbg and all that jazz. supposedly this is our very last hbg though and it's going to tuscaloosa next month. yeah right. whatever. i should've worked friday night and/or saturday/night so that i could've gotten some o/t on this coming check but nOoOoOoOooo! i was stupid and lazy and waited until yesterday afternoon to come in. and i didn't even realize it until yesterday but i won't get any o/t because i'm going to have to comp that time because i'm going to be off work on thursday (or at least most of the day thursday) because it's kensie's birthday and i want to make sure that it's as special for her as possible. btw, here's the ad i'm running in the paper for her thursday:



i run an ad for her every year so that she can be a celebrity for a day, lols!!!! here's the ad i ran for her last year:



standard disclaimer: if they're cut off then just double click them and they'll open full size in my photobucket account.

so anyway, instead of working friday night i went to movie gallery and spent the $5 gift card that my job gave me for my birthday (woohoo.) i also added about $5 of my own money so that i could get three movies for $10 + tax. i went home and was texting ashley and watching borat (stupid movie btw) and then suddenly i was just completely exhausted and had to crash out. (wtf??!?)

then saturday i was waiting to hear back from my brother so i didn't go in all day because he didn't text me until late in the afternoon. then i had to drive all the way out to moulton to his dad's farm to give him some money. he showed me around because i've never been there before. the house is sort of rinky dink but wouldn't be too terribly bad if it was like, just me or whatever. certainly not big enough for me AND kensie though. but there's lots of land and we could have more animals there. they already have several goats and horses and there's a ton of open space where we could build soft release cages for some coonie-babies or more squirrels or rabbits or maybe even some baby deer!

we aren't going to be moving there but it's a thought if we ever come into some money and could possibly add on to the house. i'm sure that i could sweet talk my ex-stepdad into renting the property to us and making a few improvements like that *IF* i had a job that wasn't about to go kaput and *IF* i was more financially stable than i am right now. but it's about 45 minutes from florence and about 30 minutes from decatur so there would definitely be a good commute no matter where i worked. (it's also roughly an hour from cullman which is another place i could work.)

so yeah, i waited until yesterday afternoon to come in to work. my grandparents ended up bringing kensie home at around 8-ish and i had her sit up here with me for about an hour so that i could finish a couple more ads. then i took her to the ymca early this morning and came in to work at 7am so that i could wrap the ads up. i still had two on my desk when the workday actually *started* but i couldn't do anything with them anyway because they just didn't make sense. so lin put a note on them and had me put them in the sales reps bin so that she could explain them to me. they don't look like they'll take that long to put together once i have a layout for them both but as of right now they just don't make a damn bit of sense.

okay, so what else would i like to talk about today? erm, my finances are shit. my brakes (front and back) and rotors are shot. i need new tires before the first freeze because my driveway is an extremely steep hill and i don't have any traction on my tires as of right now. my debit card will no longer allow me to overdraft unless i use it as a credit card which means that i can't go to wal-mart and withdraw $100 over my purchase amount to live off of until i get paid again which means that i'm royally screwed until katie finally takes care of her half of our overdue bills.

speaking of katie, supposedly she's going to be moving back to new mexico. supposedly she's going to be doing this sometime around christmas or new years. and supposedly she's going to wait until AFTER she's paid me everything that she owes me. supposedly.

i'm not really sure how i feel about all that. i mean, yeah, she's a royal pain in my ass 99% of the time and yeah, it would be much better *for her* if she moved back to new mexico. and yeah, i'd like to be able to actually MEET people instead of being tied down to just one person right now. but at the same time, i DON'T want to meet anyone. at all. i just want to work and come home and cook supper and help kensie with her homework, make her take a bath and get ready for bed, pop a movie in and then go to bed after awhile. and then, get up the next day and do it all over again.

in case you haven't noticed, i really don't like people. *MOST* people that is. i have social anxiety disorder and sometimes it's under control, sometimes... not so much. my mom's trying to hook me up with some "nice guy" that she met in a karaoke bar. lols, she actually asked me a couple of weeks ago "would you like to meet a nice guy?" i was all like "umm... noooo." then she started telling me about him and i just sort of blew her off.

then on the way home i started thinking about it and i got really confused! because yeah, i'm trained in both equipment. but... since i've been with katie i've come to realize that... i really don't like the "other" equipment! BUT, also since i've been with katie i've come to realize that women are fucking insane!!! so there's my dilemma. i like "being with" women, being intimate with women, FUCKING women. but... i prefer the relationship that comes with being with a man. i like being taken care of. i don't want to have to be the *strong* one. i don't want to have to "talk about my feelings" or any of that crap! sometimes i just want my *partner* or whatever to just go the fuck away! kwim? like, go watch some football or something. let me go to the mall or wal-mart or whatever and don't be all up my ass all the damn time! good god man, let me friggin' BREATHE for a minute will ya???

so now i'm so confused. if i'm being totally honest with myself then i can see that i have a LOT of work to do on MYSELF before i venture into another "relationship". but that doesn't mean that i can't meet people and have fuck buddies or whatever, right? and FRIENDS!!! lordy mercy lets not forget about that! but then, where do i go to meet these people? and how do i explain to them that i don't want them to move in after the 2nd date??? take me out to dinner, take me to hear some live music, pamper me, woo me, make me writhe in ecstasy and then? go away. you don't have to call me after a certain number of days... in fact, don't call me at all. just... go away. and let the next one in line have a chance. only, there IS no line. there *should* be (i mean come on, have you SEEN me?? ;~P) but there just isn't.

i think i give off a vibe or something. a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe. and i think i've pretty much ALWAYS given off this vibe. lols, i actually contacted sam, my "first" (male), through myspace about a month ago. he's married now and living a fabulous life in the military (he actually went to boot camp the weekend after he and i "did it", lols!!!) i wrote him this huge long email, congratulating him on being married and having found that special person, told him that i'm still looking but not for him, haha, because i'm a lesbian anyway but that i just wondered, and be totally honest with me please, back in the day... was he even attracted to me at all? or did i give off a vibe even then? like... did he *only* have sex with me because i was available at that exact moment in time, or was there actually a physical attraction at some point? he read the email about two weeks ago but hasn't responded. lols, i think he probably doesn't even know who i am and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, lmfao!!! (he was a bit of a player back in the day... and omgs, so friggin' CUTE!!! in a johnny depp sorta way, kwim?)

and then... of course... there's ashley and vann. god i love them both to pieces!!! long complicated story that goes along with this one but basically, a long time ago, vann and i had a one night stand. then a few years later he contacted a mutual friend of ours and asked if he knew how to get in touch with me because he and his new wife wanted to have a 3-some with me. so we did, and i fell in love, hardcore!!! and it got complicated even though i kept my feelings to myself (for the most part) and i was eventually banished from their lives. i was devastated. seriously, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces and it was a very very LONG time before i allowed anyone into my life in that capacity again. and even then, even now, i'm suspicious of people who want to fill that void in my life.

well, ashley and i began talking a while back and vannie and i made up (clean slate he said! like an etcha-sketch where you scribble all over it and then shake the shit out of it and clear the screen :~) and i was supposed to come stay with them after she had her third baby because of vann's work schedule and she has two other kids and was having a c-section and just pretty much needed help around the house. well, just before she had sadie, i met katie. and katie was so jealous and possessive that i pretty much was forced to push ashley and vann out of my life (i'm so sorry you guys!!! y'all didn't deserve that and i will apologize to you every day for the rest of my life for that!!!)

but then ashley texted me the night before my birthday this year and we've texted back and forth a few days since then and *hopefully* i'll get to visit them soon. i haven't seen either of them in, gawd, 6 years or so? well, at least 5 because i've been living in the shoals for 5 years now. and i'm so nervous!!! i want to hop in my car RIGHT NOW and drive down there but at the same time, i kinda want to put it off indefinitely. i'm so scared of what they'll think of me now. because of the katie situation and because of how i look now. i mean, they never saw me at my heaviest (thank god!!!) but they've never seen me small either. i suppose i was around 185-ish when we "hooked up" and around 135-ish when vannie and i had our one night stand before that. nobody's seen me at 100 pounds before. in fact, i can't remember ever being 100 pounds before. even in high school i was always around 115-ish.

so i'm nervous. i'm a skeleton, i have skin hanging off my ass like melted candle wax, my inner thighs, good god, they look like a ginormous twat or something! my "boobs"??? HAH!!! my chest looks like that of a scrawny 12-year old boy! you can see my ribs, my spine pokes out, i'm LITERALLY skin-and-bones now! (well, and muscle too but that's just because i don't have any fat left.)

i just, idk... i'm just so insecure. always have been. i wish i had what they have. i wouldn't ever do anything to break apart what they have so don't misunderstand what i'm saying. i just wish that i could find that happiness, that commitment, that LOVE... for myself. i wish that i could have two more babies. i wish that i could be a stay at home mom. i wish that i had someone to love me and take care of me and to "do" for me, kwim?

owells. maybe one day my prince/princess will come. and maybe all the kings horses and all the kings men can somehow put this humpty dumpty back together again in time to actually recognize and appreciate it when it happens.