*sigh*

one more day after today. just one more day left in this place that i've called "home" for over 5 years now. i had intended on retiring from this job, you know? that's what i said when i first walked in the door. that no matter how bad things got i would do my best to stick it out until things got better again. i have plastered pictures of kensie all over my desk and cabinets so that i could draw strength from her, from being a responsible parent and doing things that i might not like just for the sake of a paycheck and a roof over my head. for her. for kensie, my darling daughter. she is the reason that i do everything that i do in my life (and the reason that i DON'T do certain things.) and she's also what's holding me back. i can't figure out what direction to take my career because i have to continue being "responsible". one of my oh.com friends said for me not to fall into the "paralysis by analysis" trap but i just can't help it. if i stay here i will be unemployed indefinitely. but if i move then who's going to PHYSICALLY be there for us in an emergency??? well folks, it ain't gettin' any better than this. i will *work* today and then tomorrow i will bring in several totes and pack up my belongings and at five o'clock i will walk out that door for the very last time. am i sad? yes, of course. and angry too. and happy but it's really difficult to grab that happiness now that the gravity of the situation is setting in.

7 more days of hell

and idk what i'm going to do. idk where to go or anything. i know that i have to move by the end of december but idk where to move to (or with what money.) idk where to look for a job because idk where i'll be living. and i can't find a new place to live because who's going to rent to someone who's unemployed?

there are lots of jobs out there for me but none of them are "local". i'd basically have to move either to another state or to a completely other part of the state in order to find anything even remotely close to what i'm doing now. but i can't because that would mean leaving my support system behind and i can't do that because then who'd help me with kensie?

and i'm really sad today. now don't get me wrong, i'm not sad about losing my job. in fact, i'm extremely happy that i won't be working here for very much longer. i'm happy to be leaving this area. hell, i'm happy that obama's the president-elect! but, in the grand scheme of things, i'm so very very sad right now. and scared. and lonely. and... alone.

i just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the next week+. at home. alone. in my own bed. with the blankets pulled up over my head. but i can't do that. OBVIOUSLY i can't do that. i have a child and a life (somewhat anyway.) but i really feel like i need a vacation right about now. i need to travel and get away from here, gain some perspective. but my car's fucked up so i'm not going anywhere. hell, my car is the entire reason i wasn't able to even drive to decatur to vote last night! but that didn't matter. my voice was heard last night anyway, even though i wasn't able to cast my ballot.

OMFG!!!!

there's this girl here (married with a child so... TOTALLY straight) that i don't usually talk to or have much of anything to do with. (she's one of the ones who's "taking my place" because she's a "sales assistant" now.) anywho, she's completely NOT my type but today's halloween and we all dressed up for work. guess what she dressed up as... a man. she's a fucking drag king and it's the hottest damn thing i've ever seen in my LIFE!!!! holy jeebus, wtf yo???

as of today

i am quitting taking all of my medication. my carafate, my prevacid, my elavil, my depakote... everything. cold turkey. and i really don't give a shit what happens. i'm done. i can't handle this any more. if i hurt, i hurt. if i get another perforated ulcer then i just get another perforated ulcer. i don't care. i'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors not believing me and trying to medicate the problems that i'm NOT having. so you know what? fuck it. and *IF* i have a perforated ulcer then you can just print out this blog and give it to the surgeon who fixes me. and *IF* i have a seizure you can print out this blog and give it to my neurologist. i just can't take this shit any more.

my favorite quote

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~ Anatole France

i just want to quit

taking all medications because obviously they're not doing a damn thing for my migraines. but idk how to quit without causing problems. and without telling my neurologist because i want to quit seeing him too because he isn't helping me either.

FUUUCCKKKKK YO!!!!!

i want to go home so bad

but i can't. i've had this particular migraine since thursday i believe. nothing's working for it. i finally went to the er last night but since i drove myself they couldn't give me "the good stuff". what he ended up giving me was a shot of zofran and a shot of toradol. and i didn't realize until i got online and started researching that toradol is an NSAID and we had just got through talking about the fact that i absolutely CANNOT have NSAIDs and WHY and yet this stupid er doc gives it to me anyway!!!

i called my neurologist first thing this morning but he doesn't get in to the office until about 10:30-ish so i left a message. i called back at around 11:30 to see if the receptionist had given him my message yet and she said no but that she has my chart pulled out and will speak to him as soon as she's able to.

it's now 12:15 and i still haven't heard anything. and my eyes are killing me. i can't remember stuff for work that i've been doing for over 13 years!!! simple little tasks that i can usually do in my sleep are completely eluding me right now. i'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, like people walking behind me only there's nobody there. and then when i'm walking down the hall it appears that the people in front of me are going away from me except in reality they're actually coming TOWARDS me which means that i keep running into people.

will someone loan me a spoon so that i can dig my eyeballs out now please?

do you love it?

LOVES IT!!!

my halloween costume this year... my friend martitalinda sent me two boxes of clothes and one of them contained this beautiful dress and then i got the shoes for $1 at the salvation army yesterday, lols!!! i'm either going to nashvegas for a halloween party on the first or else i'm going to try and talk vann and ashley into going to quest in birmingham that night (but it's a gay bar so idk if vannie would be up for that...)

anywho, since it's the first it's not really "halloween" anymore so i felt kinda weird wearing an actual COSTUME. so this is okay. i can either say that i'm a "snake" (since it's a snake print) or just... my fabulous self! :~D

whaddaya think? (seriously folks, i want comments here. whaddaya think???)

thief!!!

okay so remember my last blog about the stupid bitch that katie was staying with and how she had some rings that belonged to me? well, i didn't know what rings she was talking about and i texted her yesterday to tell her to bring them to me (ALL OF THEM!!!) and then i'd forget she even existed. she got all haughty with me and said that she didn't know who she thinks i am, blah, blah, blah and that she isn't bringing them anywhere because she didn't bring them there to begin with. so i told her that fine, i'd just have the florence police department pick her up for theft and conspiracy to commit a crime and how's about defrauding the social security department while we're at it? (her boyfriend is working under the table even while he's getting social security disability. his name is john peden btw if anybody wants to report him, he lives on graham ave. and he's working under the table at h&h tires in florence and she's a co-conspirator because she knows about this and approves of it.)

anywho, she got scared and called the police department herself. somehow katie got involved and it was determined that she would put my rings in an envelope on her porch for me to pick up. i was under the impression that she had maybe 3 of my rings at the most. well, when i picked up the envelope it was unusually heavy and when i got home there were nine, count 'em... NINE of my rings in there!!! (and these are ALL rings that i know for a fact were at my house just a few months ago because i brought them inside myself! which means that katie did NOT just so happen to have them in her pocket from the move! this means that she STOLE them with the possible intent of pawning them off for cash!!!) here's the pics:



















the last one is the ring that i bought for katie for our one year anniversary. it was supposed to represent our union and was supposed to be a wedding ring of sorts (or at least a promise ring.) i have one that is smaller and matches it. these rings also include (as i'm sure you've already noticed) my class ring that has my name ingraved on the inside of it and also the sapphire ring that my grandmother gave me as my inheritance. (my grandfather got it for her when he was stationed in iran. there are also earrings that match it that i will get when she passes.)

so now i am EXTREMELY ANGRY!!! this woman (katie) not only lied to me and treated me like dogshit but she also STOLE from me!!! the only things that i own that are actually WORTH anything (besides my second-hand furniture and my car...) so how on earth can i ever bring myself to trust anyone ever again? i know for a fact that these rings were in the new house because i brought them there myself and placed them onto the fingers of the hand shaped ring holder that my daughter bought for me for mother's day a few years ago. she STOLE from me and yet she was continually begging me to take her back. she had numerous instances where she could've brought them back and i would've never noticed but she didn't. she just didn't! and now she's getting mad at me for being upset about it! again i ask you, how on earth can i ever bring myself to fully trust anyone in that capacity in my life again as long as i live? if people aren't cheating on me and just generally treating me like shit then they're STEALING from me and treating me like shit!

so you know what? fuck everybody. i don't give a good goddamn anymore. i'm done!

asexual

"Lacking interest in or desire for sex."

yup, that's me. i am officially "asexual". i will never be with another woman or man again as long as i live. i will never allow another person to be close to me. if you know me online that's pretty much as close to me as you're going to get because the whole "in person" thing? it just ain't happenin'. i have been ruined. i don't trust anyone anymore and i really don't feel like working on that. i'd much rather just be me and kensie and not ever allow another soul into our lives. and when she grows up? i'll just get some cats or something. seriously, i don't want any friends, love interests... nothing. i'm not straight. i'm not bi. i'm not gay. i'm just a hollow shell of the person that i once was and the person that i could possibly be. i have been stripped of all the good emotions that i once had and right now, in this moment, i hate everyone. i have no trust for anyone and no love for anyone. katie made sure to take my soul with her when she left. and yes, she's gone for good. she isn't coming back from new mexico and had no intention of coming back in the first place. so that's fine. i won't have to deal with her and her bullshit anymore. and i won't have to deal with anyone else's bullshit anymore either. she's shown me just how ugly and cruel people really are and i want no part of it.

so idk what to think right now...

saturday i got a couple of texts from katie saying not to text her on the phone she had been using (that she got from the people she's been staying with ~ the people who ruined our relationship in the first goddamn place!) i didn't know what was going on so later in the day i CALLED her phone because i thought she meant i was running up her texts or something and to call instead. well no. turns out she gave the phone back to them. apparently they told her that she owed them $200 for the phone and when she called t-mobile to check on it they told her that the bill was only for $100. so basically, these people were trying to sucker her out of an extra hundred dollars (after they've been milking her dry for the last two months and my utilities and phone are due to be shut off because of her not paying her half of the past due balance because she's been giving all her money to THEM!!)

so then sunday katie boarded a plane to go visit her family in new mexico for a week. then sunday afternoon i got a phone call from the bitch that she's been staying with. since i had katie's number on my five faves it showed up saying "katie" so i answered it just out of habit. then that bitch goes "is this chelsey?" (one of katie's friends in new mexico.) i said no and then she goes "well is this katie's mom or sister or somebody?" and i said no and for her to not call this number again and hung up on her!

well then yesterday (monday) i started getting texts from her that went like this (and keep in mind, she's a dumbass hick and can't spell for shit and doesn't know correct grammar or punctuation):

her: "Who is this"

me: "i already told you yesterday to not use this number. if you contact me again i WILL press harassment charges!"

her: "What has katy told u im thinking she tokd u a lie like she told on amanda"

me: "wtf are you talking about?? WHAT lie?? spell it out in plain english."

her: "Is this amanda if so we need to talk"

me: "wtf is your problem? i'm working... a concept you OBVIOUSLY know NOTHING about! i don't have time for this bs. just say whatever you have to say and leave me be"

her: "Well when u get the time u need to know what katy told us i know its not true now its to much to talk about on here while u r working call me when u get off today gm sorry i borthered u at work im at work to"

me: "i won't be calling you. if you have something to say to me then say it. if it's too much to text then just call and leave me a voicemail."

her: "Ok when i get off after 2"

her text after 2pm: "Amanda dont be mad at me ive done nothing katy called me and ask if she could come stay with us cause you told her to leave and said she didnt have any where to go then she got to saying that you hit her (witch i told john i didnt belive that) then when u had to go to med plus she said u was going for the drugs and said she was going to call DHR i ask her why she said u was a drugie amd all u wonted was pills i told her not to then the day ur daughter was over here i ask why u didnt come she said u was on pills and couldnt take care of kinesey amanda what ever or if she said that i said any thing about u i didnt she left your rings here u can come by and get them please dont be mad at me i thought u should know"

so at first i sent katie an email through myspace and told her that kathy (the bitch she was staying with) was calling and texting me and trying to start shit and for her to call her and find out wtf's going on before i go off on her forreals. then after that last text i sent katie another myspace email asking her to call me so i could tell her what kathy had said. well she called me last night and i read the text off to her and she kept interrupting me with shock and indignation and saying that she NEVER said those things and blah, blah, blah and then she started yelling at me for even telling her about it! WTF???

and then starts going off and saying that kathy's been calling everybody and their momma (including her OWN momma!) and that she doesn't know how she got all those numbers because she deleted everything out of that phone. well the thing is, they own that phone and all they have to do is go up to t-mobile and ask for a detailed billing statement and viola! they automatically have every number she's ever dialed and every number that's ever called her! der...

ok so let me address the issues in that last text right now. first off, i never told katie to leave. she threatened to leave and i told her to be very sure that that's what she wanted because IF she left, she couldn't come back.

secondly, i have never hit anybody in my entire life! in fact, i've never even spanked my child except to spat the backs of her legs or her hands if she's running into the street or reaching for something sharp or dangerous (when she was way smaller.) and not only that but katie outweighs me by a good 150 pounds! wtf good would it do for ME to hit HER????

the pill situation we've already addressed and it isn't even an issue anymore. i'm seeing a neurologist practically every week and just had an mra and mri w-w/o contrast last week and go for a follow-up to that this thursday. i have legitimate migraines that require medication. period. end of story. yes... it got out of hand at first but i have control over the situation right now and not only that but i would NEVER EVER IN A HUNDRED MILLION YEARS put my CHILD in physical danger! seriously, i have put kensie on such a pedestal that there's no way in hell anybody could ever even imagine me doing anything that would cause her harm. (in fact, SHE is the sole reason i have ever sought out help in my adult life! if not for her i'd probably be lying dead in some gutter somewhere by now!)

and the only reason kensie went over there was because katie asked if she could spend some time with her! and the reason *I* didn't go is because i can't fucking stand them!!! i mean yeah, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were comfortable and we were working on things... until they started poking their noses around in OUR BUSINESS!!!

things wouldn't have happened the way they did with the move if not for them and THAT is where our relationship fell apart! the full burden of the move was placed squarely on my shoulders because she was hanging out with THEM instead of coming home from work and helping me pack and that's just not fair!

so anywho... that's what i'm dealing with right now. hooray. another thing to stress me out...

and now idk if katie's coming back or not AND if she DOES come back... where's she going to stay??? because obviously she can't stay with THEM anymore! so does that mean that she has to move back in with me again?? and if she DOESN'T come back... what about her stuff??? and what about her portion of our past due bills? what about my utilities? and my phone? and my brakes and rotors and tires? and what about my car insurance? and bitty? because she promised that she would pay for bitty's care (shots, heart worm medicine, grooming, food, etc) if i'd keep him with me and PHYSICALLY take care of him because he loves me but i can't afford to take care of an animal right now.

i told her over and over before she left to just be really careful because when i lived in atlanta i was staying with some people and was paying them rent but THEY weren't paying rent so we got evicted. (they were basically just pocketing my money.) and then, after i'd lost a lot of my stuff from the eviction we moved into a trailer. about a month after we moved in i had to come back home for a few days to have a wisdom tooth removed and i told them before i left too and that i'd be back in just a couple of days. well, when i came back all of my stuff (boxes of clothes, tv, vcr, etc) were sitting outside on the porch getting rained on. i told her that i had a bad feeling that something like that was going to happen to her with these people because they just seemed like that "type". she kept reassuring me that nothing like that would happen to HER and i was stupid for worrying. well... who's stupid now huh?

can your eye explode from a migraine?

this is what i think of every time my migraine is pounding in my right eye (like it is right now...):

so whatsa girl to do????

i'm really confused and i need SOMEONE ELSE to make the next few life altering decisions in my life FOR me (please?)

as we all know by now, i have a job until november 12th. then i will receive a lump sum check totaling 10 weeks of pay and i will have insurance coverage through the end of november. after that i can pay out of my own pocket for COBRA (which is MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE!) or just... be uninsured. (<-- yeah right! like THAT'LL ever happen!!) oh and i'll also be eligible for unemployment (my employer will not fight it, that's part of my severance package.)

so i'm really not quite sure what to do with myself right now. i KNOW that i'm about to be unemployed. that's a fact. i also know that i *could* apply to get my job back but i'd have to move to tuscaloosa to do it. this is a problem for a number of reasons:

1) i JUST moved!! i'm locked in a 12 month lease.

2) i can't AFFORD to move AGAIN!!

3) i don't even KNOW anyone in tuscaloosa and my family would be too far away to help if something were to happen to either me or kensie.

so that's pretty much out of the question :~/

OR, i could stay here and get the unemployment and *hope* that they won't force me to take a job, ANY job, whether i'm qualified or not (mcdonald's anyone? NO THANKS!) and also hope that i can somehow AFFORD to pay for COBRA until i get a job that will pick up the slack. and... of course, hope that a job that meets my needs and skill level will come available for me SOON (but not before the first of the year... i'd like to have the holidays off for a change, lol!!)

OR, i could move to pensacola and hope that i can find something suitable down there soon (i have family in pensacola.) OR, i'd LIKE to move to nashville or atlanta (if i moved to atlanta i could FINALLY finish my degree!!) except that i don't have any family in either place. i DO however have friends in nashville and one of them has offered me a position in the office where he's the manager (like an apartment complex or something like that i think, real estate... not really sure.) but again, no family close by and nowhere to live and no money to move on.

so... whatsa girl to do???

an update on "whatever your "thing" is, please do it today..."

so here's the deal. i just got called back for my meeting and yuppers, i got the axe. but it's cool, it's all good. (that's what i'm telling myself right now anyway.)

i have a job for the next 45 days and then i have to turn in my id badge and never look back. i will have insurance through the end of november, a 10 week severance package and then unemployment and cobra insurance.

whatever your "thing" is, please do it today...

we're being called into meetings individually later on today to be told about the upcoming changes in our department. so, whatever your "thing" is, if you pray, if you swing chickens, if you burn incense... whatever you do to wrap someone in positive energy, please do it for me today especially. i have no clue at this point what is about to happen. and i honestly don't know what i *want* to have happen. either way i look at it is going to mean a huge change and that makes me nervous. so instead of asking for anything specific i'm just asking that whatever happens be the thing that is in the best interest for me and my daughter.

thank you.

my eyes are burning

and my entire head is tender to the touch. i feel like my eyes are popping out like a lizards or something and they hurt so much. they're dry and burning and swollen and tender. idk what the dealio is, why i can't seem to shake this migraine, but i just want it gone. i got the call yesterday that my mri and mra have been approved through the insurance so we went ahead and scheduled them for this coming wednesday. idk how long it takes to get that info back but hopefully not too long. i also have a follow-up appointment scheduled with my neurologist on the 30th which is the day BEFORE my tests. i'm thinking i might should call him and reschedule that and see if he wants to see me AFTER the tests instead. (idk...)

god i just want this pain to fucking go away!!!!

gotta loves the migraines

i gots broken blood vessels in my eyelids from the constant pressure and i'm still waiting to hear from my neurologist's office about having an mri w-w/o contrast and an mra. in the meantime he's calling in something "stronger" for me to hopefully get rid of this lingering pain.

i've done a bit of research and it appears that i'm having what marcy has which is "status migrainous" which is very similar to cluster headaches (but not quite the same thing i don't think.) i'm seriously wondering though if the increase in migraine activity isn't somehow related to my wls. maybe a vitamin or nutrient deficiency? lack of fatty tissue? idk...

monday's musings...

lols, didja catch the double meaning in my header? lols!!! "monday's musings"? because... today is monday... and my nickname... is monday... and it's musings on monday BY monday... haha. :~/

anywho, i'm not really sure what i want to talk about right now. maybe i'll just ramble a bit and get some stuff out there and see wth's on my mind. right. okay. so here goes:

i had to work this weekend. hbg and all that jazz. supposedly this is our very last hbg though and it's going to tuscaloosa next month. yeah right. whatever. i should've worked friday night and/or saturday/night so that i could've gotten some o/t on this coming check but nOoOoOoOooo! i was stupid and lazy and waited until yesterday afternoon to come in. and i didn't even realize it until yesterday but i won't get any o/t because i'm going to have to comp that time because i'm going to be off work on thursday (or at least most of the day thursday) because it's kensie's birthday and i want to make sure that it's as special for her as possible. btw, here's the ad i'm running in the paper for her thursday:



i run an ad for her every year so that she can be a celebrity for a day, lols!!!! here's the ad i ran for her last year:



standard disclaimer: if they're cut off then just double click them and they'll open full size in my photobucket account.

so anyway, instead of working friday night i went to movie gallery and spent the $5 gift card that my job gave me for my birthday (woohoo.) i also added about $5 of my own money so that i could get three movies for $10 + tax. i went home and was texting ashley and watching borat (stupid movie btw) and then suddenly i was just completely exhausted and had to crash out. (wtf??!?)

then saturday i was waiting to hear back from my brother so i didn't go in all day because he didn't text me until late in the afternoon. then i had to drive all the way out to moulton to his dad's farm to give him some money. he showed me around because i've never been there before. the house is sort of rinky dink but wouldn't be too terribly bad if it was like, just me or whatever. certainly not big enough for me AND kensie though. but there's lots of land and we could have more animals there. they already have several goats and horses and there's a ton of open space where we could build soft release cages for some coonie-babies or more squirrels or rabbits or maybe even some baby deer!

we aren't going to be moving there but it's a thought if we ever come into some money and could possibly add on to the house. i'm sure that i could sweet talk my ex-stepdad into renting the property to us and making a few improvements like that *IF* i had a job that wasn't about to go kaput and *IF* i was more financially stable than i am right now. but it's about 45 minutes from florence and about 30 minutes from decatur so there would definitely be a good commute no matter where i worked. (it's also roughly an hour from cullman which is another place i could work.)

so yeah, i waited until yesterday afternoon to come in to work. my grandparents ended up bringing kensie home at around 8-ish and i had her sit up here with me for about an hour so that i could finish a couple more ads. then i took her to the ymca early this morning and came in to work at 7am so that i could wrap the ads up. i still had two on my desk when the workday actually *started* but i couldn't do anything with them anyway because they just didn't make sense. so lin put a note on them and had me put them in the sales reps bin so that she could explain them to me. they don't look like they'll take that long to put together once i have a layout for them both but as of right now they just don't make a damn bit of sense.

okay, so what else would i like to talk about today? erm, my finances are shit. my brakes (front and back) and rotors are shot. i need new tires before the first freeze because my driveway is an extremely steep hill and i don't have any traction on my tires as of right now. my debit card will no longer allow me to overdraft unless i use it as a credit card which means that i can't go to wal-mart and withdraw $100 over my purchase amount to live off of until i get paid again which means that i'm royally screwed until katie finally takes care of her half of our overdue bills.

speaking of katie, supposedly she's going to be moving back to new mexico. supposedly she's going to be doing this sometime around christmas or new years. and supposedly she's going to wait until AFTER she's paid me everything that she owes me. supposedly.

i'm not really sure how i feel about all that. i mean, yeah, she's a royal pain in my ass 99% of the time and yeah, it would be much better *for her* if she moved back to new mexico. and yeah, i'd like to be able to actually MEET people instead of being tied down to just one person right now. but at the same time, i DON'T want to meet anyone. at all. i just want to work and come home and cook supper and help kensie with her homework, make her take a bath and get ready for bed, pop a movie in and then go to bed after awhile. and then, get up the next day and do it all over again.

in case you haven't noticed, i really don't like people. *MOST* people that is. i have social anxiety disorder and sometimes it's under control, sometimes... not so much. my mom's trying to hook me up with some "nice guy" that she met in a karaoke bar. lols, she actually asked me a couple of weeks ago "would you like to meet a nice guy?" i was all like "umm... noooo." then she started telling me about him and i just sort of blew her off.

then on the way home i started thinking about it and i got really confused! because yeah, i'm trained in both equipment. but... since i've been with katie i've come to realize that... i really don't like the "other" equipment! BUT, also since i've been with katie i've come to realize that women are fucking insane!!! so there's my dilemma. i like "being with" women, being intimate with women, FUCKING women. but... i prefer the relationship that comes with being with a man. i like being taken care of. i don't want to have to be the *strong* one. i don't want to have to "talk about my feelings" or any of that crap! sometimes i just want my *partner* or whatever to just go the fuck away! kwim? like, go watch some football or something. let me go to the mall or wal-mart or whatever and don't be all up my ass all the damn time! good god man, let me friggin' BREATHE for a minute will ya???

so now i'm so confused. if i'm being totally honest with myself then i can see that i have a LOT of work to do on MYSELF before i venture into another "relationship". but that doesn't mean that i can't meet people and have fuck buddies or whatever, right? and FRIENDS!!! lordy mercy lets not forget about that! but then, where do i go to meet these people? and how do i explain to them that i don't want them to move in after the 2nd date??? take me out to dinner, take me to hear some live music, pamper me, woo me, make me writhe in ecstasy and then? go away. you don't have to call me after a certain number of days... in fact, don't call me at all. just... go away. and let the next one in line have a chance. only, there IS no line. there *should* be (i mean come on, have you SEEN me?? ;~P) but there just isn't.

i think i give off a vibe or something. a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe. and i think i've pretty much ALWAYS given off this vibe. lols, i actually contacted sam, my "first" (male), through myspace about a month ago. he's married now and living a fabulous life in the military (he actually went to boot camp the weekend after he and i "did it", lols!!!) i wrote him this huge long email, congratulating him on being married and having found that special person, told him that i'm still looking but not for him, haha, because i'm a lesbian anyway but that i just wondered, and be totally honest with me please, back in the day... was he even attracted to me at all? or did i give off a vibe even then? like... did he *only* have sex with me because i was available at that exact moment in time, or was there actually a physical attraction at some point? he read the email about two weeks ago but hasn't responded. lols, i think he probably doesn't even know who i am and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, lmfao!!! (he was a bit of a player back in the day... and omgs, so friggin' CUTE!!! in a johnny depp sorta way, kwim?)

and then... of course... there's ashley and vann. god i love them both to pieces!!! long complicated story that goes along with this one but basically, a long time ago, vann and i had a one night stand. then a few years later he contacted a mutual friend of ours and asked if he knew how to get in touch with me because he and his new wife wanted to have a 3-some with me. so we did, and i fell in love, hardcore!!! and it got complicated even though i kept my feelings to myself (for the most part) and i was eventually banished from their lives. i was devastated. seriously, my heart broke into a million tiny pieces and it was a very very LONG time before i allowed anyone into my life in that capacity again. and even then, even now, i'm suspicious of people who want to fill that void in my life.

well, ashley and i began talking a while back and vannie and i made up (clean slate he said! like an etcha-sketch where you scribble all over it and then shake the shit out of it and clear the screen :~) and i was supposed to come stay with them after she had her third baby because of vann's work schedule and she has two other kids and was having a c-section and just pretty much needed help around the house. well, just before she had sadie, i met katie. and katie was so jealous and possessive that i pretty much was forced to push ashley and vann out of my life (i'm so sorry you guys!!! y'all didn't deserve that and i will apologize to you every day for the rest of my life for that!!!)

but then ashley texted me the night before my birthday this year and we've texted back and forth a few days since then and *hopefully* i'll get to visit them soon. i haven't seen either of them in, gawd, 6 years or so? well, at least 5 because i've been living in the shoals for 5 years now. and i'm so nervous!!! i want to hop in my car RIGHT NOW and drive down there but at the same time, i kinda want to put it off indefinitely. i'm so scared of what they'll think of me now. because of the katie situation and because of how i look now. i mean, they never saw me at my heaviest (thank god!!!) but they've never seen me small either. i suppose i was around 185-ish when we "hooked up" and around 135-ish when vannie and i had our one night stand before that. nobody's seen me at 100 pounds before. in fact, i can't remember ever being 100 pounds before. even in high school i was always around 115-ish.

so i'm nervous. i'm a skeleton, i have skin hanging off my ass like melted candle wax, my inner thighs, good god, they look like a ginormous twat or something! my "boobs"??? HAH!!! my chest looks like that of a scrawny 12-year old boy! you can see my ribs, my spine pokes out, i'm LITERALLY skin-and-bones now! (well, and muscle too but that's just because i don't have any fat left.)

i just, idk... i'm just so insecure. always have been. i wish i had what they have. i wouldn't ever do anything to break apart what they have so don't misunderstand what i'm saying. i just wish that i could find that happiness, that commitment, that LOVE... for myself. i wish that i could have two more babies. i wish that i could be a stay at home mom. i wish that i had someone to love me and take care of me and to "do" for me, kwim?

owells. maybe one day my prince/princess will come. and maybe all the kings horses and all the kings men can somehow put this humpty dumpty back together again in time to actually recognize and appreciate it when it happens.

it feels so good to purge

...toxic relationships and prying eyes from my life. i only wish that i could somehow make THIS blog selectively private but idk how to do that. (wish i could block all the "anonymous" people from viewing it.)

*sigh* okay, so what that's all about is the fact that i went and made my oh.com profile private and also deleted about 8 pages worth of "friends" (<--mostly people i don't even know or backstabbing bitches.) so that left me with about 16 "friends" which is quite alright with me. hell, that's WAAAYY more than i have in real life! and of those people, i really only talk to about 2-3 of them on a semi-regular basis.

so, wanna know what finally happened last night? well, my mom kept telling me to take a cab so i finally hung up on her and called my grandmother. we talked for about 15-20 minutes (well really, i cried for about 15-20 minutes and she tried to figure something out.) so she and i decided that when i got off of work i'd go pick kensie up from the ymca and we'd go home and wait for them to show up and take us to the emergency room.

meantime, my mom (aka: nosy bitch that likes to start shit!) goes around calling everybody she can possibly get in contact with at my job and tells them EVERYTHING!!!! AND, she called the ymca about 10 different times and told them everything as well ANDDDD... she fucking called the police!!! stupid dumbass bitch!!!

so now today i'm having to deal with people staring at me and asking me if i'm okay and shit!!! god i hate that bitch!!!!

well, i got to the ymca and there was a crowd of about 5 people standing in the hallway blocking the sign-out sheet and asking me if i'm okay and if i need to sit down and if they can do anything for me. WTF YO??? no dude, i most certainly am NOT okay! and no!!! you can't do anything for me!!! just fucking get out of my way so i can get my kid and go home!!!!

so they went to get kensie for me and followed me out to my car and were undoing my seatbelt and turning my ignition off and trying to take my keys away from me! FUCK MAN!!!! i'm not drunk or anything i just have a goddamn migraine!!! AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT ANY EASIER FOR ME EITHER!!!! just leave me alone and let me go home!!!

finally they let me go but they insisted on having someone follow me home (RETARDS!!!) so then my grandparents got to my house and took me and kensie to the er at about 7pm. and we sat there until fucking midnight before i could get a shot because the waiting room was PACKED!

well, the shot didn't do shit for me. i was able to get some sleep but when i woke up i still had the migraine and i took a zomig thinking it might help (and because i am supposed to take it every morning right now any way because i'm expecting flo any day now.) so i texted katie and explained to her that i had a migraine last night and that my grandparents drove all this way to take me to the er so that i wouldn't have to disturb her last night but that the shot didn't work and i still had a migraine and would she mind going to med plus with me first thing this morning so i could get another shot.

at first she agreed but then she started calling me an addict and telling me that nobody has this many migraines and blah blah blah. so i told her to do some research because yes, it IS possible to have this many migraines. it's a DISEASE, not a choice or an addiction! YES, i got hooked on pain PILLS but that's because i have MIGRAINES and don't always have a DRIVER so i can get a SHOT to get rid of it right away!!! so she starts arguing with me first thing in the morning and all the while my head is throbbing and i'm trying to get kensie ready for picture day so i finally just told her to nevermind and that i'd just take a pill instead because i wouldn't want to put her out but to please educate herself in case the next person she's with also suffers from migraine disease.

so then she goes off on me AGAIN and starts calling me ungrateful (for what? because i don't appreciate her arguing with me all the damn time when all i need is for her to walk into med plus and "claim" to be my driver???) and tells me to just lose her number. WTF!!! and she goes on and on and on and ON!!!! and the whole time i was just sitting there blow drying kensie's hair and had no clue that my phone kept going off and she was getting more and more pissed off when i didn't respond to her.

anyway, that's my day. fucking sucks. my head is exploding (STILL!!!), i'm waiting for a call back from my neurologist, my mom is a nosy-ass damn pot stirring bitch and basically, the rest of my life is falling apart.

got the zomig

took it two hours ago. no relief. tried calling my mom to see if she would take me to the er in decatur for a shot if i drove over there after work and just let me and kensie spend the night at my grandparent's house tonight. she said that i don't need to drive that far with a migraine (1 hour) and to just call a cab to take me to the er here for a shot. but i can't do that!!! do you know how much money a cab would cost??? they'd have to sit at the hospital and wait with me until they gave me the shot and it usually takes 3 hours to be seen around here! so i'd have to pay them for three hours of their time because the hospital won't give me a shot unless i have someone htere waiting with me!

migraines suck ass and steal your soul

just got hit with one forreals. but i'm not taking the phrenalin. i have two left but i refuse to take them. hopefully my insurance will let me fill my zomig today and hopefully that'll work. (cross your fingers and your toes for me please.)

day 3 and counting

i'm struggling, and even having legitimate pain from overdoing it with my house the last two days (lifting heavy boxes over my head and stacking them in the tops of the closets, even though i'm not supposed to lift, push or pull anything 10 pounds or more right now due to this hernia) but i haven't taken anything stronger than children's tylenol, and only four of those at a time. (the bottle says to take four for 96-ish pounds and i currently weigh 100 pounds.)

but, i'm clean. day 3 and counting...

**sigh**

nutty died yesterday morning sometime between his 2:30am feeding and his 6:30am feeding. we had taken him to see violet the day before and she said that he had grown out of the shoe box we were keeping him in and to go ahead and put him in his cage. unfortunately though, i didn’t have enough lamps on him and i think he got too cold :, ~( it was very heartbreaking because we had spent so much time rehabilitating him and worked so hard to bring him back around and he was doing so well...

but she said that with the hurricanes and strong storms and winds going on right now that the hotline will be getting lots of calls in the coming days/weeks and that she’ll work on getting us at least a pair so they can help to keep each other warm and i’m going to get some more lamps before she brings us any more to rehab too and possibly a heating pad as well.

i swear to fucking god man!!!

i hope they DO outsource our jobs and i can sit at home and collect unemployment and take care of nutty. FUCK YO!!! i've been bringing him to work with me every day this week and have had the FULL SUPPORT of my direct supervisor and lots of other people that i work with. he's just an infant and he sleeps in a shoebox on my desk and doesn't make any noise or even move around until i go to feed him and make him pee and poop (which is about twice a day.)

well, all of a sudden just now my direct supervisor sent me an im saying that he needed to talk to me about the baby squirrel. apparently somebody got their panties all in a twist about me having a squirrel up here and went and tattled and so now i have to keep him at home and split my lunch breaks up throughout the day so i can go home and feed him and warm up his "sock momma".

wth man!!! people bring their dogs up here all the damn time! shit, the old advertising director used to keep hers up here in her office in a box and would walk them around the building and let them pee and poop all over the fucking floor!

i swear to god man, i hope i NEVER find out who it was because i'll dot their fucking eye!!! (are you reading this?? whoever tha fuck you are my good "frenemy", I'LL DOT YOUR FUCKING EYE YOU RANK NASTY ASS DAMN TWATWAFFLE!!! i may be little but i'll straight whoop your ass on this one! don't FUCK with me, ya hear??? you reap what you sow and by god you done sowed a BIG'UN this time ya stoopid mofo!!!)

if you have something to say to me

then just say it goddamn it! don't fucking go behind my back and run your trap! there's nothing i hate more in this world than lying, backstabbing bitches!!! (well, except maybe cheaters, child molesters/abusers and animal abusers... oh, and taxes. yeah, definitely HATE taxes too.)

and for only $20/year...

YOU can be an animal rehabber TOO!!!

lols, the wildlife place FINALLY called me back just now and talked to me about "nutten honey" and while i was explaining what i had been doing with him she interrupted me and asked if i'd be interested in becoming an animal rehabber myself. WOAH!!! seriously??? i told her that yes, i'd be interested but that i was concerned about the cost involved. she said that it wasn't much and so i said that yeah, sure i'd be interested because my daughter actually wanted to continue caring for this animal. she explained that of course, when he's well and old enough we'll have to release him back into the wild but that someone would be calling me shortly to get my info and to help me to get started :~)

it's $20 per year for the membership dues and they make sure that i get all the formula, etc that i would need and they would take care of the licenses, etc and that generally speaking, vets won't treat injured wild animals because it's illegal to do so but that if they know you're a licensed rehabber they'll usually do it on the sly for free because they know how much we care about animals!

i explained to her how kensie wanted to either be an animal rescue person when she grew up or a veterinarian and that she was VERY interested in taking care of this animal and she was very pleased with that. so NOW kensie can get some valuable "hands on" experience that she otherwise wouldn't have had access too. and all because a mean old owl tried to snag this little bugger for a snack yesterday!

so anyway, i've got to go "stimulate" him (HAHA!!!) so he pees and poops because he hasn't gone yet at all but she was very happy about everything that i told her and said that i had been doing EVERYTHING correctly :~D

it's tough to be a squirrel momma!

**sigh** so yesterday afternoon (evening really) me and kensie were outside working on a project for her school and we kept hearing this tiny little squawking sound. kensie kept asking me what it was and i just shrugged my shoulders and said that it was probably baby birds waiting for their momma to come back to the nest or something. well, about that time she saw something on the ground out of the corner of her eye. she turned around and started walking towards it and realized that it was a baby squirrel!!! she picked him up because he was crying and scared and his nose was bloody. we have an owl in our neighborhood so i think it probably tried to raid the nest for a nice little snack and maybe the momma and daddy squirrel got there just in time to scare it away and it dropped it's prey on the ground. (there was an awful chattering going on up in the tree for the longest time!)

we picked it up and wrapped it in a towel and took it to the nearest pet store. they didn't want to help because it's a wild animal and they aren't allowed to offer advice or anything about wild animals and also because they were closing in 15 minutes (mostly i think because they were closing!) anywho, they gave me the number for the alabama wildlife refuge which just so happens to be located in decatur which is where we're from. i called that number and nobody answered so they gave me the number for the 24 hour emergency vet and when i called THAT number... nobody answered!

so i called my mom and explained everything to her and asked her to look up some stuff about squirrels on the internet so we could help this poor wittle feller get through the night until this morning when we could contact the wildlife refuge again. so basically, i had to stay up all night long and feed this little bugger about 1cc of pedialyte every 45 minutes and had to keep him wrapped up in an old sheet and held up close to me so he could stay warm (a squirrel's body temp is 99 which is close to a humans.)

needless to say, i'm POOPED! my eyes hurt and i have a FORREALS migraine coming on (no foolin' guys, sleep deprivation does this to me, i shoulda known better!) but it was worth it. this morning this little bugger is still alive and well. so i brought him to work with me in a fanny pack with the sheet stuffed in it to keep him cozy and warm and so that i can give him his pedialyte as needed to keep him hydrated. first thing when i got to work i called the wildlife refuge and they gave me a number for a local rehabber but when i called that number it forwarded me to someone's core wireless cell phone number. i left a message but they haven't called back yet so idk...

anywho, here's some pics to keep y'all entertained ;~P (oh and idk what i weigh today. i was too busy with "nutten honey", or "nutty" for short, that i didn't get around to weighing this morning.)

this morning, despite eating stew and yeast rolls for a late supper

last night, and then this morning...

last night and all day yesterday i was very very sick to my stomach. i ended up waking up at around 11pm to use the bathroom (AGAIN!!!) and just for "shits-n-giggles" decided to weigh myself just to see what had happened and this is what i got:



(the body fat% at that time was 11% as compared to the 13% i got when i was 103-ish.)

then this morning at 6am i had to get up and get ready to get kensie ready for a birthday party. so, after i got sick again... i decided to weigh myself before taking a bath and this is what i got:



(and the body fat% at that time was 9%... just 7 hours later...)

my tummy's been acting up again all day today so i haven't really eaten all that much (it seems the more i eat the sicker i get...) so i'm really curious to see what it's going to say in the morning. 100-even? or *gasp!* somewhere in the 90's??? jeez-louise, what's happening to me??? i'm, literally, wasting away.

oh lord, what have i done???

i ordered some bbq from my hr person's church and it was delivered just now. i haven't eaten in ages so i figured i'd heat up some of it and eat it. BIG MISTAKE!!!! i've had about 6 bites of this bbq chicken and it's greasy greasy GREASY and my gut feels like it's going to EXPLODE!!! damnit, and i knew better too! argh!!!!

i'm living off of

my fiber drinks (which thankfully contain the majority of my vitamin supplements), diet sodas and chips. this can't be healthy. it just can't be. and the scale proves it! going down, down, down the rabbit hole... where it'll take me ~ nobody knows.

and going down more and more every day...

one update thread and then i'm going into lurkdom ~ so please don't worry when you don't *see* me on oh.com

and i won't be responding to the posts in this thread either, just so's you know. it's too hard right now. i'm here though. i'm reading. and i love every last one of y'all.

i came into work today filled with complete and utter dread. i dread the daylight, i dread the nighttime, i dread the people, i dread the work... i dread LIVING LIFE right now. it's very hard to "be me" but i'm trying. honestly, i'm trying. idk how on earth i'm not dehydrated from all the tears i've shed. it seems that i cry almost constantly nowadays and most of the time i don't even know WHY. (there's just so many reasons, kwim?)

i posted a thread yesterday that i'm sure scared the living sh!t out of most of y'all and i sincerely apologize. but it was the truth. it's *MY* truth. for now anyway. i come here and i bare my soul to you because i love you and i don't want for you to go through what i'm going through. i'm not quite sure how to prevent that but i'm hoping that by sharing my story and my experiences that maybe, just maybe, i can help at least one person. (it's worked in the past so maybe it'll work this time too...)

anyway, here's the deal. i read everyone's responses to my previous threads and i appreciate the compassion and the love that y'all have shown me. (even, and maybe especially, the "tough love" ) i appreciate the resources that y'all have sought out on my behalf and i WILL be contacting these agencies. i WILL!

but for now, this is the plan: right now, today, in this moment, i'm trying to resist taking anything. i HAVE to take SOMETHING though because if i don't, i'll have a seizure. (i've had grand mal's in the past from medication withdrawals so this has to be handled very delicately.) yesterday morning i took 4 before i even got to work. so today, i cut that back to 2. (i know, i know. some of y'all think i'm "oversharing" or whatever but really, if we don't talk about this then it'll happen to somebody else ~ maybe even to YOU!)

this medication is supposed to be taken every 4 hours. so my plan is to wait it out FIVE hours before taking any more. (or AT LEAST four...) i took 14 yesterday i *think* (who the he!! knows anymore???) and i plan on only taking 6 today. (like i said, i HAVE to take them. i HAVE to ween down because i'll have a seizure if i just quit cold turkey.)

i'm going to try to stick with just 6 today and 4-6 tomorrow and go down from there. i will be staying with renee this weekend and she will have complete control over my medication and will administer them to me on a schedule and will help me to ween down even further so that by monday i can hopefully be clean, or at least a lot closer to being clean than i am right now.
and from there? idk. i'm going to talk to renee some more and see what she can help me to come up with so that i don't relapse or anything. i need help. i need support. i need guidance. but most of all... i need friends. i need people in my life that truly care about me and that truly want to help me. i don't like being like this. i've always been a very strong individual and being addicted ~ to ANYTHING!... being dependant on that crutch is just sucking my soul out. it hurts. it really does.

but y'all know me. y'all know that i am a survivor and that i WILL get through this! somehow, someway... things will work out in my favor and I WILL BEAT THIS!!! i beat the laxative addiction and i'll beat this one too. i have a reputation to live up to for y'all and i can't do that if i'm an addict. i can't help anyone else if i can't even help myself. **sigh** so... maybe this isn't so bad afterall. right? maybe this will turn out to be a learning experience and another way that i can help others in the future. that's how i choose to look at it anyway.

so, this isn't goodbye. i'm just going to try to be on "pause" for a little while. but i'm still here. and as i said above, i'm still reading. and i love all of y'all. thank you so very much for everything that y'all have done for me, today... yesterday... last week... last month... last year... forever. it really means so much to me and i hope that y'all can understand and appreciate where i'm coming from.

transfer addictions ~ how do i save myself before i o.d.??? please help me...

**sigh** ok, idk if you guys remember or not but earlier this year i had problems with laxatives (dulcolax, specifically) and in the fall of last year (and the summer and spring too i think) i had an addiction to chocolate ex-lax, although i didn't dare admit to that one. well now it seems that i'm addicted to pain pills, nausea suppositories, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills and pain/nausea shots for migraines. (<--some of the migraines are for real, some are not.)

for example: sunday i took (at least) 18 phrenalins which is butilbital + tylenol. and for no reason too except that i hurt ~ inside ~ a LOT! my job is potentially going down the toilet, my girlfriend just left me, i just moved and have a hernia from doing it all by myself, my finances are all gone to sh!t and idk what to do with myself anymore since i can't eat my feelings and since i don't KNOW anyone. seriously, i have NO friends irl. NONE! and yesterday i only (*ONLY!*) took 6 of these but today i've already taken 10 (and it's still early yet...)

i WANT to be okay, i WANT to be healthy ~ and i know what you're going to say "get thee to a therapist... PRONTO!!!" but i can't. my insurance doesn't cover any mental health stuff and i can't afford it on my own and i (currently) make too much money to get on a sliding fee scale.

so... what to do??? please help me. i can't die. i just can't. my daughter would go to my ex who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER CORRECT NAME!!!! and that would be the worst thing in the world

the claddagh, what a crock!

a traditional irish wedding ring called "the claddagh", the circular band forms two hands holding a heart with a crown on top, and signifies a bond of love, loyalty, friendship and lasting fidelity between the giver and the wearer. the ring is given with the phrase of the claddagh: "with these hands i give you my heart and crown it with my love."

girl scout cookies

here i sit, a failed relationship in my lap, a dysfunctional family that's causing me to tear my hair out, a job that's going kaput and what do i do? i stuff my face wtih all abouts. i have sat here and eaten half a box of girl scout cookies in the last two hours. just cramming them down my throat, one after another...

and then comes the weekend...

my boss went down to tuscaloosa today along with his boss, his bosses boss and the IT guy on sort of a recon mission to find out wth's going on and what we need to know about it. they weren't invited to go but they took it upon themselves to try and gather some information about how *safe* our jobs are right now. apparently we might also lose our jobs to some people in tuscaloosa. we *might* be offered those positions too (as well as the ones in manila) but I JUST GOT THROUGH MOVING!!! i can't move again right now!!! i have a hernia and haven't even finished unpacking from our move LAST MONTH!! and not only that, i don't even KNOW anybody in tuscaloosa and i CERTAINLY don't know anyone in MANILA!!! heck my family is an hour away which makes it tough enough for us to live HERE! can you imagine how difficult it would be for me and my daughter to be living EVEN FARTHER away from our family? jeez...

oh and btw, it's homebuyer's weekend too which means that i'll be working all weekend. (just so i can come in monday morning and find a pink slip laying on my desk...)

i'm at peace now

i've been thinking and thinking and trying to get a game plan together and here's what i've decided to do. i'm currently in the process of getting my work samples together so that i might have a nice portfolio when this is all over with. and i've also got my resume together and have put out a few "feelers" to try and test the market and see what i can come up with *just in case* this actually happens.

i've decided that i'm going to basically ride it out and see what happens. several people in my department have already decided to jump ship and that means that they will be needing the remaining team members to pick up the slack in the meantime. so, that means overtime for me and several others until the "end". so i will accept this overtime and sock the extra funds away until i need it. they've also mentioned the possibility of a severance package but i have no idea at this point what exactly that would entail.

and IF it actually happens? **sigh** i guess i'll go apply for unemployment, food stamps, section 8, cma and any other assistance that i might possibly qualify for. and i guess while i'm waiting for that to happen i'll hit the library and look through all the old phone books for any advertising agencies in the surrounding areas, any publishing firms ~ ANYTHING that i can think of that would be in sync with what i already know and that could possibly provide an outlet for future professional growth. and in my spare time i guess i'll have that yard sale that i've been yapping about for months now, lol!!

heck i could probably live quite nicely on the earnings from that, lol! because i have practically an entire wardrobe ranging in sizes from 26 womens all the way down to 16 childrens (i currently wear a 12/14 childrens *usually*) and i also still have every toy we've EVER bought for my daughter from birth to present (and she's about to turn 9 so that's a whole heckuva lotta toys!!) not to mention all the little knick-knacks and do-dads that i have lying around. (i'm quite the pack rat in case you didn't already know! )

so in light of all the above, i think that we'll be "okay" for a little while. maybe this is really a blessing in disguise afterall. i mean hey, when else would i possibly be able to spend quality time with my daughter on a daily basis and STILL earn a paycheck (of sorts)??? i'm still concerned about the insurance bit but i reckon i'll just have to suck it up and shell out the extra $ for cobra coverage, expensive as it is... because i sure can't afford to be WITHOUT insurance, knowing how MY body is! so i guess i'll just consider this a nice long paid vacation and try to get my life in order in the meantime.

and did i mention that i'm at peace with all of this? i mean, not REALLY but considering the fact that it's pretty concrete at this point and there's no changing the big-wig's minds... i suppose it's best if i just accept the fact and DEAL with it. so i am. i'm grieving for the potential loss of my job and the loss of my tenure and the loss of the camaraderie that i have here with people who actually *GET* me (fellow graphic artists and newspaper employees... we have a unique sense of humor and sense of self and the general public just doesn't really understand i guess )

The five stages of grief are:

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Bargaining

4-Depression

5-Acceptance

so since i've gone through all of the above listed stages... does that mean that i'm *done*? i've accepted what's *most likely* going to happen so now can i just... move on?

please help me

apparently the whole "move to manila" thing that i was so concerned about last week is going to be happening a lot sooner than we anticipated. actually, in all honesty, i may not have a job come september 1st. so now i'm trying to get into "self preservation" mode and trying to figure out wth i need to do to ensure that my daughter and i aren't just left out in the cold with nowhere to go. i dug through some old documents yesterday and found my old resume and did some tweaking and updating. here it is, lemme know what you think and if i need to tweak and/or change it some more. (btw, if you double click on the image it should open up entirely in a window by itself.)

BITCH!!!!

god i hate how easily influenced by other people i am. have you ever heard the saying "insanity is contagious"? well, it's true. especially for those whose sanity is already somewhat in question (as mine most definitely is.)

i'm extremely angry right now. i've been dealing with increasing migraine attacks over the past couple of months and have been trying to gain control over the situation with the help of my new neurologist and new pcp. we've made progress but as i'm sure you already know, there is no CURE for migraines. the only thing you can do is TRY to prevent them and TRY to treat them as the occur. but there's no guarantee that the preventative measures will work or that the treatment will work once a migraine is already in place.

and this is something i'm having a hard time making katie understand. every time i have a migraine now she thinks i'm faking it. every time i need to go to the doctor or to med plus or to the hospital or anything she gets angry at me and starts an argument with me or (good lord!!!) wants to talk about our "relationship" while i'm in the midst of a migraine! (IDIOT!!!!)

this weekend i had a migraine that had been following me around since monday of last week (or was it sunday? idk, i can't really remember...) anywho, saturday i told katie that i needed to go to med plus for a shot and asked her if she could be my driver since they won't give me a shot without a driver and also since i don't know anybody else around here that could or would do that for me. she wouldn't go saturday night because a) she planned on just going home after work and going to bed and then after we talked some more she decided that b) she had a cookout that she had been invited to and would rather do that instead and then c) AFTER i went to med-plus and was told i could come back the next day for a shot and i went ahead and took the pills that they prescribed THEN she decided that she wanted to take me up there THAT NIGHT instead of in the morning (after hem-hawing around about it for a good hour and a half!) and since i can't get a shot until four hours after taking the pain meds i COULDN'T go back for a shot saturday night and HAD to do it sunday morning even though she had then decided that she would rather sleep in sunday morning. so basically, i have to suffer with a migraine until she's good and ready to take me to med-plus for a shot. (FUCKING BITCH!!!!)

so then sunday morning we went up there for my shot and when they called me back they discovered that my blood pressure was EXTREMELY low because i was EXTREMELY dehydrated from not being able to eat and drink the previous few days and from dry-heaving all the night before. every time i went to stand up my vision and hearing would go out and i would nearly fall down unless i sat down quickly. then after sitting for a few minutes my vision and hearing would slowly return and as it returned the pounding in my head would increase 10-fold. the doctor witnessed all of this and said that i needed to hang out there for a couple of hours for an iv because of how dehydrated i was. she couldn't even give me any phenergan because of how low my blood pressure was. (phenergan lowers your bp and she was concerned since it was already so low and since i hadn't had any medication yet.)

katie got pissed off and said that she would go check on kensie and to call her when i was ready to go. so they gave me two bags of saline and a pain/nausea shot but she really wanted to give me at least one other bag and honestly, i should've taken it. actually, i should've taken about TWO more bags but i knew that katie was pissed off at me for needing medical attention again (she ALWAYS gets like this! it has to always be all about her or she gets pissed off and complains that i am always sick, etc.) so i told the doctor that i was fine and could go home then. i was BETTER for sure but not completely okay but i just didn't want to hear katie bitching and complaining about having to take care of kensie on her off day.

uggs! so now me and katie are arguing about THAT. i just sent her a text message this morning about how they gave me two bags but that i'm still really dehydrated and should've accepted the other bag that she was offering me but i didn't because i was trying to be respectful of katie and her time. so she got pissed off and said something like "here we go again! don't do this today!!!" or something like that. i was shocked and said "what? what did i do?" and she started yelling at me through texts about how i'm always starting stuff with her. umm... starting what? a conversation??? i'm really confused here.

so we got into this big long argument about how i'm always sick (no, not always. but yes, i DO have medical issues that require medical attention. and i SEEK medical attention instead of suffering! duh!!!) then she sent this: "I am mad at life! I deserve to be alone! Thats it!"

me: "please call your therapist baby. i really don't like you talking like that. i love you. please get help. i know you're hurting but you don't have to."

her: "Ya i do i have dealt with this my whole life. I am taking time for me thats why i left. I have to figure this out. I cant be in a relationship because i cant even take care of myself. I want you to understand that."

"That sounds awful but i really hope you can understand."

me: "ok but don't take it out on me. it hurts too much that you're gone and then add all this on top and it makes me not like you very much at all. i mean, how can we even consider ever getting back together when we can't even get along as friends? you hurt me more and more each day and it seems intentional."

her: "I have problems please stop bringing it up. It does not help."

"Please"

me: "you have to take responsibility for those problems katie or else we can't talk at all. for my own mental health, i can't constantly be around that. i hope you can understand. i love you. but i hate the way you're behaving."

her: "I got in trouble for my phone. Have to go."

her 20 minutes later: "We have to be friends before anything"

her 10 minutes after that: "So maybe we can be friends?"

her again, 30 minutes after THAT: "Guess not"

me about an hour after that last text from her: "wtf? i put my phone up for a couple hours so i can work and you flip out! that's exactly what i'm talking about katie."

her: "Ok."

"I will talk to you later. I have to figure things out ok? Because we cant be together with me like this."

me: "ok. i love you."

her: "I love you."

so apparently she thinks that i should be sitting right here with my cell phone in my hand just waiting for her to text me and i should respond IMMEDIATELY and just exactly the way she wants me to or else it's the end of the world. wtf!!!! am i crazy? do you guys see the insanity that i have to deal with here?? i'm not crazy, am i? well, i KNOW that i am but in this case... i'm NOT... am i?

and the emotional eating begins again...

well, not really. i haven't done anything bad *yet* but i know that i will. we just had a meeting at work and discovered that about 90% of our department will possibly be unemployed in the new year. great. just fucking great. i've been here for 5 years this coming monday. i've put in a lot of time and effort with this job. i know the people that i work with and get along with them fairly well. i also know the clients that we handle and know what sorts of ads they prefer. and now? they're going to outsource our jobs to MANILA??? wtf! i thought that was a type of envelope!

do you have a cell phone?

because i have a cell phone. and i have unlimited texting on it too. do you have unlimited texting dear readers? do you ever get bored during the day and just wanna text to cheer yourself up? because i get that way sometimes. wanna text me? i'll give you my number if you have unlimited texts and we can be texting buddies ;~P

lols, j/k, but not really. so pm me with yo numba if you ever wanna text back and forth and i'll pm you back with MY numba.

ArtistMonday@hotmail.com

have a great day everyone.

ok so here's the deal

so wednesday of last week katie was off of work (as usual) and was attempting to set the house up after our move. the thing is though, she has add (undiagnosed but still...) and can't focus on any one thing for very long. so when she does things like this and i come home it looks like she hasn't done ANYTHING because she's partially done SOME things (but never completes ANYTHING!) so she started working on kensie's closet (we had to add another bar to fit all of our clothes into these tiny closets) but didn't finish that, then she started working on kensie's ROOM but didn't finish that and she also said that she was going to do the dishes but she didn't touch them at all.

so she's texting me all day long (seriously, idk how she ever accomplishes anything because she's constantly texting me. no joke, when i talked to t-mobile and put her line by itself the rep told me that in that particular month she had SENT OUT over 10,000 texts!!!) and then finally she goes "i just want you to know that i'm trying so when you get home you won't get mad or anything. i'm just really tired though and want to rest some. but i'm trying but i won't have anything finished." that pretty much meant that she wasted all her time texting me and watching tv and didn't get anything done.

i texted her back and said ok but that this part of the move was pretty much going to be all her because of my hernia. i told her that my surgeon said for me to not lift, push or pull ANYTHING for the next 4 weeks and then to not lift, push or pull anything over 10 pounds for the 2 weeks after that. she got pissed off at me and said for me to not start this right now because she's already stressed out enough as it is. i was all like "wtf??? what are you even talking about? start what? i'm just telling you what he said." and it pretty much just escalated from there.

she kept saying for me to not talk to her like that (like WHAT? i just told her what my surgeon said!) and that if i kept on that she was going to leave. so i told her to be very certain that that's what she wants before she leaves because if she leaves there's no coming back. and... she left. and immediately regretted it and thought that i should let her come back home that very night. WTF!

well we've been texting and talking since then and we're trying to work on things together and trying to work on getting back together but it's going to take some time...

anywho, now you know.

migraine.

sudden and severe. i'm about to throw up. dizzy, can't see straight or really control my movements. and i'm sweating a lot. i'm in the aura phase i guess. can't see straight and get dizzy when i change what i'm looking at. it's like i have thick coke bottle lenses in my glasses. i've never had aura before. everything's really loud too. and my hands/arms are really heavy.

i'm single again

yeah, you read that right. katie and i broke up. and i really don't have anything else to say on the matter right now. maybe later on (today? idk...) i'll feel like giving details but right now i'm just not up to it so i'm just going to concentrate on working.

she pisses me off so damn bad!!!

*sigh* i want to choke my girlfriend. i love her to pieces but sometimes (99.99% of the time...) she can be the biggest fucking BABY!

so we're in the midst of moving, right? and i spent my entire vacation week working on things in the garage (going through stuff from our LAST move and getting rid of things/putting things in storage so we won't have so much clutter and won't have so much to deal with when we move) and then when we got the u-haul truck last weekend (not the most recent one but the one before that) i spent all day saturday loading the damn thing and then did everything sunday as well (except for loading the freezer, washer and dryer ~ i had help with those things) and THEN i UNLOADED the truck by myself sunday night with the exception of the freezer, washer and dryer. (and she bitched, moaned and complained about THAT too!! wtf yo??!? that's what she DOES! she works for rent-a-center and moves freezers, washers and dryers BY HERSELF every day!!!)

katie is off work on wednesdays and she keeps promising me that she's going to spend all of that day at the old house packing and loading up the car and moving things to the new house. well, last week she didn't feel good. she had an appointment with some place to get groceries and she also went to see her psych doctor. then instead of going to the old house and packing and moving things she decided to stay at the NEW house and rearrange the things that i had already unpacked and placed in the house. WTF??? we need to finish getting all of our stuff over here and THEN we can worry about where we want to put it! just fucking GET IT HERE first!!!

well then this past saturday i spent several trips going back and forth between the old and new houses BY MYSELF because katie was working and then when she got off work i asked her if we could make one more trip before going home and relaxing and she swore to me that if we could just go home then we'd make an EXTRA trip the next day to make up for it. then sunday rolled around and we slept in (personally, i was exhausted! and katie ~ well obviously she just really doesn't give two shits about this move.) then when we got up we didn't have time to move anything because we had to go to decatur to spend the day with kensie since she hasn't been home in forever and we miss her like crazy. and when we got home from that we watched a movie and then i went to work at 10pm (homebuyers weekend, yay!!!) and worked until 2:30am and then went home and went to bed. so, no trips on sunday at all!

then monday and tuesday after work i made two trips between the two houses BY MYSELF and had the car jam packed with stuff so i could get a lot done. so it's wednesday again. katie's off work. we have until thursday night to finish this or we have to pay extra rent. (prorated but still...) so i'm at work and katie's bitching and moaning and complaining about how we need to take a break and we need time to relax and blah blah blah and she doesn't feel good, she's dizzy, she's nauseated, she lost her balance and fell down, etc, etc, etc.

ok here's the deal. pretty much everything is already in boxes. all she has to do right now is put those boxes in the car, drive to the new house, take those boxes OUT of the car and then go back to the old house and do it again. if she loads the car up right she should be finished with the bedrooms and bathrooms (and possibly the kitchen, den and living room too!) in 3 trips. 4 max! and then that just leaves the garage for me to deal with (3-4 trips as well.)

well she drove me to work at 8am this morning and i assumed that she was going right on over to the old house to get started. no. that didn't happen. she didn't go over there until about 11:30-11:45 and then immediately started texting me and telling me that she doesn't feel good. she's such a damn drama queen! she hasn't finished even ONE trip yet! in fact, she hasn't even loaded the car up! and then she texted me and said that she lost her balance and fell. i didn't respond because i have better things to do right now than to try to placate her by offering her platitudes. then she sent another one that said "you there?" so i asked her if she was okay and she said that yes but she wishes her new meds would kick in. (her psych doctor put her on a new med last week and instead of going out and filling it she waited until YESTERDAY to fill it!!! and hasn't been on any mood medication AT ALL in the meantime so she's going through withdrawals from her other med too!) and then said said that yeah she's ok but she doesn't know how much she can get done but that she's going to try.

so i was in the middle of texting her back and trying to give her a pep talk and some direction so she isn't just standing around there picking her nose and she sent me two texts back to back that said "o my god i am going home and crying i am so sick" "and i am so damn fat i just broke this white chair on the front porch" when i asked her wtf, what happened and if she's okay she said "i just completely blacked out"

basically what those texts mean is that she was overwhelmed by the amount of work that we still have to do and was feeling lazy and didn't want to deal with it so she's faking an illness and exaggerating the little things that DO happen. like, she probably DID lose her balance and fall. and she probably DID break the chair when she fell. but i doubt she blacked out. and i ESPECIALLY doubt that she COMPLETELY blacked out. she just doesn't want to work on the move. plain and simple. so now i'm going to have to bust my ass today and tomorrow to try and finish up so we don't have to pay any extra rent because obviously it's all on my damn shoulders which pisses me the fuck off!!!!!

my commitment to better health

here lately i've noticed that the carb monster has had a strangle-hold on me as well as the chocolate demon and i've got to stop that in it's tracks. i've gained a bit of weight (thanks to my new migraine med, elavil) and i want to fix this before it gets out of hand. (i've only gained 10 pounds but still, that's 10 pounds more than i like to see. it could all be water weight but i really think this carb/chocolate issue needs to be dealt with asap.)

my plan is pretty much to try to get back to basics and cut out the unnecessary carbs and sweets (<--always been a downfall of mine) and get back into the swing of exercising when we finish moving. we’ll be done moving by this weekend regardless but i’m hoping that we can wrap it up tomorrow night. we’ll see though i guess.

so i went to the grocery store last night and bought some protein shakes because i was out and didn’t feel like messing with powdered protein. my meal plan for the next 3 weeks will consist of the following (and yeah, i mean every single solitary day. i might mix up WHEN i have each thing but this will be my intake for the next 3 weeks.)

breakfast:
1 slice kraft deli deluxe swiss cheese
1 kellogg’s all-bran fiber bar apple cinnamon
1 24-ounce fiber drink

snack:
eas advantedge carb control chocolate fudge shake

lunch:
3 ounces of tuna with light mayo, shredded sharp cheddar cheese, kraft classic melts four cheese, oscar mayer ready to serve real bacon pieces
1 24-ounce fiber drink
1 12-ounce diet pepsi

snack:
eas advantedge carb control frensh vanilla shake

dinner:
3 ounces of tuna with light mayo, shredded sharp cheddar cheese, kraft classic melts four cheese, oscar mayer ready to serve real bacon pieces
1 24-ounce fiber drink

totals:
calories 1200
fat 48 g
sodium 3850 mg
carbs 133 g
fiber 90 g
protein 121 g

this is exactly on target for calories but everything else is a bit high. i usually aim for these goals:

calories 600-1200
fat 10-40 g
sodium less than 2,000 mg
carbs 40-80 g
protein 60-120

but the carbs are mostly fiber so i don’t stress about those too much because i NEED the fiber. the protein is at the high end of my goals but it’s okay because i’m trying to build muscle right now anyway. and the fat grams are just barely outside of my range so that doesn’t concern me and the sodium is okay too. i’ve been having light headed spells a lot lately and was told to increase my sodium anyway so that’s fine.

i don’t really have time for exercising right now because of the move but i AM spending a lot of time moving boxes and furniture and packing/unpacking so i guess that might count a little... but when we’re finished i will be walking my dog AT LEAST one hour every day (gonna shoot for two though) and will also be doing weight training at the ymca every monday, wednesday and friday and will be spending every sunday (all day) at point mallard which is the local water park. idk if that counts as exercise or not (LOL) but it sure is a lotta fun!!!

anywho, hopefully by the end of the 3 weeks i won't have such a craving for carbs and chocolate anymore and will be back at my maintenance weight again. this isn't a "diet" or anything either. this is very filling for me and actually makes me HAVE to eat CONSTANTLY just in order to get it all in. this will keep my hands and mouth busy and my pouch full, will meet my nutritional requirements AND won't leave very much room for anything else

btw, does anybody else drink the eas advantedge carb control shakes? i just came across these at wal-mart last night and i'm in love!! these are a bit more (quantity-wise) than my 50 gram slams but the taste is similar and the price is a bit better so i think i'll probably be sticking with these for awhile.

a little white lie?

so yeah, i lied. i posted a thread on oh.com today that claimed that i am 103 pounds when in fact i am 113 pounds. but i WAS 103 pounds just three weeks ago (i swear i was. i even took a picture of the scale to prove it!!) but i've been taking elavil lately to help prevent my migraines and the neurologist warned me that it'll make me want to eat a lot and to be careful. and he wasn't kidding!!! seriously, EVERYTHING looks so yummy to me right now!! it's like i've got a bad case of the munchies or something, lols!!

i wasn't really all that concerned about it though because i was thinking i was getting to be too little for awhile there. but then i had katie take my 20 month out pics today and i compared them to the last time i had pics taken (at 18 months) and you can TELL that i'm 10 pounds heavier! you can SEE it in my butt, hips and thighs and i hate it. i want this 10 pounds GONE!!! originally i had said that i would be a-ok with gaining up to 20 pounds (to be at my original goal of 123) but now, looking at these pics, i'm not ok with that at all. 123 pounds is just too heavy for my 5'0" frame. i'm sorry, but it just is!

so, starting today i am going to be making a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to only eat what i NEED to be eating and to exercise. i will NOT be a slave to chocolate and carbs! i will NOT waste my coins in the vending machine! and i WILL NOT be a fat cow again!!!!!

gonna dot his eye!!!

i swear man, wtf's up with all the rude-ass people these days???

there's this guy (old man really) that works across the alley from where i work. every morning when katie drops me off in the alley beside our back door he comes FLYING up the alley and honks his horn at us and throws his hands up in the air like "wtf??!?"

my god man!! it takes me two seconds to get out of the car, gather my belongings and say goodbye to my girlfriend. you can't wait two seconds??? instead of having two seconds worth of patience you're gonna come flying up the alley and stop less than an inch from my back bumper (no lie dood!! less than a friggin' inch!!!) and honk your horn at me and yell obscenities and try to ruin MY day? oh HELLS no muthafucka!!! i'll dot yer eye old man!!! i'm 30 years old and i'll whoop yer ass ya sumbitch!!!!

pics from the memphis zoo this weekend